Two days ago, I sat down with my mom and had a tough discussion about the upcoming #election. My family are staunch #conservatives and I am not. I let her know of one issue in particular: same-sex marriage.
I let her know how tough it’s been to be gay, married, and to know that every time there’s an election she and my father and siblings have all voted for people who actively want to take this away from me both at a #state and #federal level.
I’m emotionally fatigued but still at peace.
I specifically said that I would need an undetermined amount of time and space away from them for my own mental health and safety.
I am the happiest I’ve ever been. My mental health is the best it’s been. Spiritually I’m in a good place. Physically I’m making progress. I feel I’ve been backed into a corner being #gay in #Indiana and I told my mom that I am going to do everything I can to fight for my relationship.
To be honest, I was calm. I knew I was doing the right thing here.
From the start, I wanted my mom to know this was a matter of #MentalHealth and setting #boundaries.
I was also prepared for the #gaslighting. My mom thinks any sort of boundary is estrangement and is me saying I don’t love her. I pushed back so that she knew I would always love her and not wish any ill-will upon her or anyone else. This was a decision I made for my and my husband’s safety.
My mom isn’t very politically aware. She doesn’t really watch the news or follow current issues. It’s been made worse as she cares for my terminally-ill father over the last 18 months.
She doesn’t understand that if you vote for a candidate, you’re partially responsible then for their decisions and policies. Even beyond Donald Trump, #Indiana has #MicahBeckwith now running with #MikeBraun and he is violently #anti #queer. She was completely unaware of any of this.
I came out in early 2011. Needless to say, my #conservative #Catholic family has had plenty of time to research, ask questions, and consider this topic. They have either chosen not to, or they’ve decided my happiness is not a dealbreaker for them when choosing candidates.
And while I cannot choose who they #vote for, I can choose who I allow into my life and my space. I am not giving up the peace, love, joy, and happiness I’ve found for anyone.
I’m sharing this to let other #queer folks in #conservative places or with right-wing family members know that separating yourself from your biological family for your own mental health, peace, safety, and sanity is ok.
Setting firm boundaries is so important.
It’s also extremely sad. It’s been two days and I’ve not stopped thinking about it. I’m emotionally fatigued. But I don’t have any regrets. Don’t let the fear of feeling emotions keep you from peace and joy.
Setting boundaries is not a love/hate argument. I will never not love my parents. But that doesn’t mean they can continue to impact my life this way. Actions have consequences.
And if you’re #queer and in #Indiana and need some family, you’ve got me and a ton of other queer folks who are ready to stand our ground on all sorts of topics from same sex marriage to trans rights and beyond. You’re loved. Be safe, friends.
Great thread. Thanks for sharing your story.
Just wanna thank you for your vulnerability, here. And yes. Boundaries.
I had to step away from family for a little while and I have to say that the experience of advocating for myself changed our relationship postively - in the end.
It was difficult but I think it gave me and my family time to reflect. We're closer now than we've ever been - but it took time and growth.
Thank you for writing this!
@Oldfartrant I disagree. It comes across as #hate outwardly. But the root cause is #fear. Fear is far more powerful than hate.
Recognizing fear helps me humanize folks who are #conservative and hold those values. The fear is certainly misplaced but fear is not rational or logical or sensical. Recognizing it is fear also gives avenues for pulling people out of this state to make progress.
The moment we say they are “hateful” is the moment we can dehumanize them. No one wins then.
@dleszcynski Thank you so much! This problem has been similarly plaguing me, and you have helped me sort through some of my conflicting feelings about setting boundaries around political discussions and voting in elections. I appreciate you sharing your experience here, and best wishes to you! 💜
(Edit: I hope you can leave this post up for a while. I’ve bookmarked it as a resource.)
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