𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

1/🧡

You don't play the piano and you don't know anyone who does. What you do have is money. Lots of it. You are either a doctor or a lawyer by profession. The piano is likely placed in a prominent location in your expansive house, such as tucked under the stairs, where the sound can be muffled, or next to a bay window, where it can echo weirdly off the glass. The lid of your grand piano is always closed. There are photographs of you and your wife and kids arranged tastefully on the top and a soft accent lamp on the left hand side of the music desk which absolutely will not illuminate any part of the music adequately.

May 12, 2024 at 9:06pmWeb
Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

2/🧡

You have no taste. Did you mean to order a white piano? On purpose? If yes, you definitely have this bad boy in your living room right next to the fireplace and a tiger print rug. You think you're a real ladies' man but you haven't seen any action since 1983. Your favorite stage show is Siegfried and Roy. You listen to Gordon Lightfoot unironically. You haven't practiced since the Reagan administration.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

3/🧡

You used to play, and you were actually pretty good. But that was before the husband and the house and mortgage and the 2.4 kids and soccer practice and ballet lessons and baseball tryouts and karate and you wonder how your life became so complicated. Your husband works in IT. Your kids attend Montessori schools. You eat tacos on Tuesday and meatloaf on Friday. You doomscroll Facebook and Instagram every chance you can. You're currently late for Pilates.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

4/🧡

You are either a timetraveller from the 18th century, in which case, hello from the internet! How are you reading this? Or, you're the most gullible person in 17 counties. Someone on craigslist convinced you that this was a "grand piano" because it says so right on the case, and you believed them to the tune of $1,500 and a case of Michelob Light. You work a dead end job and live in a 4-bedroom house with 6 roommates. Your dog has fleas.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

5/🧡

You are a music teacher. You value function over form. You are consistently short on both time and money and you have no patience for people who waste either one of yours. You drive a 6-year old Subaru with 100,000 miles on it that's overdue for an oil change. You have a no-nonsense haircut and wear sensible shoes. You haven't been able to find time to practice this week and it's killing you. You have nightly dreams of robbing a bank and retiring to Tijuana.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

6/🧡

This was your mom's piano and it has sentimental value to you. It's out of tune. The sort of out of tune that brings to mind honky tonk old silent movies starring Charlie Chaplin. You always wanted to learn to play piano, and someday you will. Right after tax season ends. Or next tax season. Definitely after the one after that. Your favorite food is something fried, with cheese in it. You have seen every single episode of The Bachelor.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

7/🧡

You are weird. Or a music historian. Or both. You practice for hours every single day, you absolute lunatic. You haven't seen the inside of a pub since Covid. You have memorized the Dewey Decimal system.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

8/🧡

You bought this piano a decade ago when your kids were taking lessons, but they're grown now, and now nobody uses it unless you force them to. Which, now that you think about it wasn't unlike how it was used when your kids were taking lessons. Sometimes you open the fallboard and tinker around a bit. You can play chopsticks and heart and soul, and a little bit of that one Ed Sheeran song. You got your first letter from the AARP last week. You're beginning to enjoy gardening.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

9/🧡

You are in your late twenties. You have two kids, and a third on the way. Your house is a perpetual FEMA disaster site. You found a peanut butter and jelly sandwich under the passenger seat of your minivan yesterday. A whole ass sandwich. Still in the plastic ziplock baggy. You recycle but you wish you didn't. You have a motorcycle in the garage gathering dust and cobwebs. Your 5 year old woke you up at 3AM last night by bringing you the family parakeet. You do not have a family parakeet.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

10/🧡

You are Britney Spears' songwriter.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

11/🧡

You are Jacob Collier. Hi Jacob! Love your stuff.

Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 12, 2024

What Your Piano Says About You: A Thread

12/🧡

You are trans. Your current favorite genre of music is something that ends in -core or -wave. You are in a polyamorous relationship with a demisexual non-binary person, their live in boyfriend, and his trans sister. You have never owned a vehicle. You own no less than 4 different pairs of Birkenstock sandals. You vote Democrat but only because there isn't a real candidate that's further left.

Show threadBlue Witch GwenMay 12, 2024
@Lana hey
Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 13, 2024
@KindlyWizard hey ;)
Show threadAssigned Maleficient At BirthMay 12, 2024
@Lana please Γ” Piano Oracle, share your wisdom with me and tell me what this piano says about me !
Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 13, 2024
@transeignante you like Freddy Mercury.
Show threadAssigned Maleficient At BirthMay 13, 2024
@Lana All praise the mighty Piano Oracle for She spoke the truth !
Show threadCharles ☭ is now tooting from queer.partyMay 12, 2024

@Lana I love all of these pianos and dream of one day living in a piano depot of some kind. I don't actually play piano, but I know how to write a midi generator.

The only piano that I actually own is a toy piano shaped like a grand. I got it after writing a midi controlled toy piano nonette. I sometimes lend it to venues or touring musicians.

I do not have any good pictures of it.

I do actually want a pianola but it will drive my spouse crazy.

Show threadsabikMay 13, 2024
@celesteh @Lana
Why not a photoplayer?
Show threadCharles ☭ is now tooting from queer.partyMay 13, 2024

@sabik @Lana

I would love one of those especially if it had midi io so I could digitise rolls or plug in my own laptop to do algorithmic patterns.

Show threadCharles ☭ is now tooting from queer.partyMay 13, 2024

@sabik @Lana

As in, if you know of any up for grabs in London, I am seriously interested.

Show threadsabikMay 13, 2024
@celesteh @Lana
Sorry, that was just a shitpost playing off your comment about a pianola
Show threadAndrew ZonenbergMay 13, 2024
@Lana Where's the "you're a world-class concert pianist who can barely afford rent" one?
Show threadAdvanced Persistent TeapotMay 13, 2024
@azonenberg @Lana that's the alternative possibility for the first image. It's just that lawyers with lots of money and no musical talent far outnumber concert pianists
Show threadAndrew ZonenbergMay 13, 2024

@http_error_418 @Lana Just because you play a really nice one on stage doesn't mean they pay you well enough to have one at home.

If musicians are anything like visual artists the majority are probably quite broke.

Show threadAdvanced Persistent TeapotMay 13, 2024
@azonenberg @Lana yes but the musician will sacrifice every other part of their life before compromising on their instrument.
Show threadAndrew ZonenbergMay 13, 2024

@http_error_418 @Lana Exactly, so it'd probably look like absolute garbage full of dings and scratches because they bought it at a garage sale or something, but the innards are in mint shape.

At least, my mom is a (now semi retired) piano teacher and that's what hers is like. Sounds awesome, looks like it was found in a dumpster. Nicks and scratches in the wood, some paint chipping off parts of the black keys, but regularly maintained by a very good tuner and the guts are as good as the day it left the factory.

Show threadAdvanced Persistent TeapotMay 13, 2024
@azonenberg @Lana the difference is that the lawyer would have a -new- Steinway whereas the concert pianist would have a refurb (the refurb still costs as much as a new 4-door sedan)
Show threadUniversal Basic FriendMay 13, 2024
@Lana please do me (push-up pianola)
Show threadTilde LowengrimmMay 13, 2024
@Lana Terrifying specificity.
Show threadEleanor SaittaMay 13, 2024
@Lana
Idk, a Fantom is a little mainstream. Maybe an Iridium or an Osmose.
Show threadSolarbird May 13, 2024

@Lana Here, can I offer you one?

#13: You fucking hate keyboards but go ahead, what else are you gonna use for midi input, a _tablet?_ Oh no, no no no. That hell comes _later_.

( xD )

Show threadEmma (has_many_books of old)May 13, 2024

@Lana omg this is my piano.

...trans.
ah that's a miss

...something that ends in -core or -wave.
ah, miss, I only listen to The Cure

You are in a polyamorous relationship...
I will check with my husband

...a vehicle.
ah, no

... no less than 4 different pairs of Birkenstock sandals.
can't afford them: it all went on the piano

You vote Democrat but only because there isn't a real candidate that's further left.
I mean that one's true

Show threadAsta [AMP]May 13, 2024
@Lana stop how dare you
Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 13, 2024
@aud πŸ˜†
Show threadNick PhillipsMay 14, 2024
@Lana You need to do this one... https://www.alexanderpiano.nz/images/466305/20180511_171954.jpg
Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 14, 2024
@nwp Vladimir Horowitz once said "The piano as an instrument was intended to be ten feet long. Anything less is a compromise". You read that and took it as a personal challenge. On the plus side, you also have: two birds in a bush, an early worm, a bunch of eggs in one basket, an elephant in your room, and a hatchet buried somewhere in your back garden.
Show threadNick PhillipsMay 14, 2024
@Lana Thanks! The story of that piano is at https://www.alexanderpiano.nz/page/the-alexander-piano for anyone interested.
Alexander piano- the longest piano in the world

Discover the longest piano ever made by a 20 year old with limited help and experience. Built in Timaru, New Zealand

Show threadNick PhillipsMay 14, 2024
@Lana Thanks! The story of that piano is at https://www.alexanderpiano.nz/page/the-alexander-piano for anyone interested.
Alexander piano- the longest piano in the world

Discover the longest piano ever made by a 20 year old with limited help and experience. Built in Timaru, New Zealand

Show threadNick PhillipsMay 14, 2024
@Lana Thanks! The story of that piano is at https://www.alexanderpiano.nz/page/the-alexander-piano for anyone interested.
Alexander piano- the longest piano in the world

Discover the longest piano ever made by a 20 year old with limited help and experience. Built in Timaru, New Zealand

Show threadAmbient SpongeMay 12, 2024
@Lana I could probably play that. So few notes to remember.
Show threadWoozle HypertwinMay 13, 2024
@Lana I now feel compelled to do an inventive piano arrangement of "Oops, I Did It Again". 😈
Show threadoldguycrustyMay 14, 2024

@Lana

Ha! Harsh. Funny though, but harsh.

Show threadRaineer  πŸ¦†May 12, 2024
@Lana I am number 9, in both β€œpiano” and description. My Yamaha keyboard is all I have room or time for.
Show threadEdelruth, PBS Passport HolderMay 12, 2024

@Lana

"You do not have a family parakeet!" ...🀣🀣🀣🀣

Show threadoldguycrustyMay 14, 2024

@Lana

This whole series is the funniest and 'most seriously on point' thing I have seen in a very long. Brilliant.

Show threadMax_well May 14, 2024
@Lana Half of these is me and I don't even own a piano (but it would be this one if I did)
Show threadStephen FoskettMay 17, 2024
@Lana that’s my piano. We just gave it away.
Show threadAdvanced Persistent TeapotMay 13, 2024
@Lana I had a piano teacher with two of these. His hobbies included transcribing Delius songs and translating Aesop's fables directly from ancient Greek into French.
Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 13, 2024
@http_error_418 LMAO yeah that tracks.
Show threadEdelruth, PBS Passport HolderMay 12, 2024

@Lana

(This actually is our piano, or similar, and it is inherited, and it got tuned and cleaned a few months ago after 20 years of "we really should...", because the grandchild might actually learn - shows aptitude, and the curlicues have all fallen off and I keep promising myself I'll get around to recreating them, but even the very elderly piano tuner couldn't get enthused about that and how did you describe everything else about us/it anyhow? - leaves to search for hidden cameras).

Show threadEdelruth, PBS Passport HolderMay 12, 2024

@Lana

[You missed the onions that ALWAYS go in the fried cheesy thing! Btw]

🀣🀣🀣

Show threadnerdybutcuteMay 13, 2024
@Lana i do NOT watch The Bachelor... but okay yeah the rest
Show threadJo - pièce de résistanceMay 13, 2024

@Lana this looks like my piano (now residing at my cousins) & you described the piano accurately given to me by me grandfather, it has sentimental value to me, it’s out of tune. BUT I learned to play only a little. My hands are too small & I can’t read music at all. And never got into it. I would rather have had drums. I can’t remember even trying anything fried with cheese in it, but it sounds good. Only seen 3 or 4 Bachelor seasons. I do hate doing my taxes.

I still enjoyed the thread.

Show threadRay Coshow πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆπŸŽ¨πŸŽΆπŸŒΏπŸ•πŸ·πŸ“šMay 12, 2024
@Lana I loved this thread, even though this Yamaha is *literally* my piano and most of the attributes were off. But that could just be me.
Show thread𝐿𝒢𝓃𝒢 "not yet begun to fight"May 13, 2024
@rcoshow you sure about that Mr sensible haircut? ☺️
Show threadRay Coshow πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆπŸŽ¨πŸŽΆπŸŒΏπŸ•πŸ·πŸ“šMay 13, 2024
@Lana That one definitely was right on…
Show threadΞ£(iΒ³) = (Ξ£i)Β²May 13, 2024
@rcoshow @Lana Yeah, same here - definitely a yamaha upright, but I drive a 1 year old Nissan Leaf with less than 5k miles on it...
Show threadRay Coshow πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆπŸŽ¨πŸŽΆπŸŒΏπŸ•πŸ·πŸ“šMay 13, 2024
@SvenGeier @Lana yep. Me too, but my EV is the Bolt. Just under 6500 miles.
Show threadDaveMay 13, 2024

@Lana I have one of these in my extended family (same style, different brand). More details fit than don't fit (the Mitsubishi Colt IS well looked after, and the "music" part and "being a teacher" part are both correct, but not connected...)

I'm now worried about what my ~40 year old not-going entry-level Casio sampling keyboard says about me...

Show threadoldguycrustyMay 14, 2024

@Lana

"....sensible shoes.." !!