Nerviest Initial

Jesus: impossible to kill, reproduced asexually. Jesus is canonically a fungus. Clearly the part the Romans crucified was a fruiting body of some kind, leaving the bulk of the organism below ground, safe and secure. And every Easter, we find Jesus' multi-colored spores hidden in dark places. The rabbits tried to warn us. But now it's too late. He's metastasized across the whole planet. Soon enough, he will come again, and when he does, no cross in the world will be big enough to keep him at bay.

*Twilight Zone music intensifies*

Mar 27, 2024 at 6:06amWeb
Show threadMastokarl 🇺🇦Mar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie the only logical explanation
Show threadMastokarl 🇺🇦Mar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie I see an Emmerich movie.
Show threadNerviest InitialMar 27, 2024
@Mastokarl
Honestly, I'm surprised Emmerich hasn't already made a Second Coming of Jesus movie.
Show threadCharlie StrossMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie Also conveniently overlooked is the bit in the gospels where Jesus rises from the grave and returns to walk the Earth, accompanied by a horde of shambling zombies he bought along for shits and giggles. Jesus literally led the zombie rising! And the second coming will be Night of the Living Dead, Part Two.
Show threadDan SugalskiMar 27, 2024
@cstross @intransitivelie does this mean that communion isn’t just ritual cannibalism but is spreading the spores and infecting people in preparation for the Great Zombie Uprising?
Show threadCharlie StrossMar 27, 2024
@wordshaper @intransitivelie Yes, ask yourself just WHY Jesus saves—and for what necromantic ends?
Show threadGeoff 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿Mar 27, 2024
@cstross @intransitivelie See Tim Minchin's wider take on this (I don't think they broadcast this in the end) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_SFdUJLebzU
WoodyAllenJesus by Tim Minchin (on Jonathan Ross)

YouTube
Show threadCharlie StrossMar 27, 2024
@_thegeoff @intransitivelie It's video and I don't do videos on YT. Text summary, plz?
Show threadGeoff 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿Mar 27, 2024
@cstross @intransitivelie He compares Jesus' attributes to Woody Allen, Derren Brown, Shaun Of The Dead, Marvel superheroes, animals capable of parthenogenesis, psychics, quantum phenomena and Tim Minchin, in a gospel style. "Woody Allen Jesus" for lyrics etc.
Show threadOriel Jutty Mar 27, 2024

@cstross @_thegeoff @intransitivelie
Tim Minchin on the Jonathan Ross Show (December 2011). He sings a song, accompanied on the piano by himself. Lyrics transcript:

Jesus was a Jewish philosopher
had a lot of nice ideas
about our existential fears
much admired by his peers
short, and Jewish, and quite political
often hesitant and very analytical
praise be to Jesus
praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
Woody Allen Jesus!

Jesus was a great entertainer
doing cool tricks all of the time
turning water into wine
making stormy weather fine
even now his stunts confound us
kind of did what Derren Brown does
praise be to Jesus
praise be to Magic Woody Allen Jesus
Magic Woody Allen Jesus!

[key change]

Jesus died, but then came back to life
so the Holy Bible said
kind of like in Dawn of the Dead
like a film by Simon Pegg
try that these days, you would be in trouble
geeks would try to smack you with a shovel
praise be to Jesus
praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus
Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus!

Jesus ascended into heaven
he was an incredible guy
you don't often find fellas that fly
disappear right into the sky
and only once did he use his ability
with great power comes great responsibility
praise be to Jesus
praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Jesus
Jesus!

Jesus's mother gave birth to him
without having sex with a dude
no, she would never be that rude
never even been nude with a dude
breeding without the opposite gender is
commonly known as parthenogenesis
other animals that don't need males
include a lot of lizards and various snails
praise be to Jesus
praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Komodo Dragon Jesus
Jesus!

Jesus can communicate with the deceased
like psychic Sally
Jesus lives forever, which is pretty odd
but not as odd as his fetish for drinking blood
Jesus is in more than one place at a time
like an electron or Schrödinger's feline
Jesus pulled off that water-walking miracle
he was as handy as an amphibious vehicle
Jesus had bare feet, long hair, and a beard
- look, I'm not saying it's me
I'm not saying that I am Jesus
I'm not saying that I am Jesus, I am Jesus
praise be to Jesus
praise be to Woody Allen Jesus, Woody Allen Jesus
praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Komodo Dragon Telepathic Vampire Quantum Hovercraft (Me!) Jesus!
peace

Show threadGeoff 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿Mar 27, 2024
@barubary @cstross @intransitivelie Thanks :) Not criticising you for a moment for posting the entire lyrics, I was tempted to, but didn't as I was a little paranoid about stepping on somebody's IP/copyright? I realise there's thousands of sites that do that...does any one ever get upset about it?
Show threadNerviest InitialMar 27, 2024
@_thegeoff @barubary @cstross
I think if you appropriately credit, it's like closed captions and may be covered under fair use. You're not claiming ownership or trying to make money off of it. But IANAL.
Show threadDigital GeeneryMar 27, 2024
@cstross @intransitivelie He's clearly a Lich King.
Show threadNerviest InitialMar 27, 2024
@cstross
Fungal zombie Jesus, a la The Last of Us?
Show threadMike EdeyMar 27, 2024
@cstross @intransitivelie
Show thread@stevewfoldsMar 28, 2024

@cstross @intransitivelie Amanita Muscaria hallucinations may have been involved in Christianity’s & the LDS’s foundings.
Joseph Smith’s Vermont revelations were in a forest thick with them.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sacred_Mushroom_and_the_Cross

The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross - Wikipedia

Show threadCharlie StrossMar 28, 2024
@stevewfolds @intransitivelie ... Or he might just have been a corrupt grifter who wanted to farm his followers for money and extra wives. (Not that different from L. Ron Hubbard or Charles Manson (except Manson skipped writing the holy book and went straight to FAFO))
Show thread@stevewfoldsMar 28, 2024
@cstross @intransitivelie L. Ron Hubbard’s drug intake was prodigious. Manson’s LSD cult doesn’t match w/personal experiences w/acid as a Dead Head in late ‘60s. :)
Show threadMariusMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie
"Jesus comes again and spreads his spores", 1.7 million views on pornhub
Show threadBen CurthoysMar 27, 2024

@intransitivelie You know who else is technically a fungus but is also humanoid and mobile? Orks from WH40K.

Jesus says MOAR DAKKA!

Show threadBen HammondMar 27, 2024

@intransitivelie

the part of the Easter story that feels most authentic:
when the woman who knew him the best goes to grieve over his body, only to find that it has been stolen by one of the rich followers.

And the living man presented as the risen Christ, _is not recognisable_ to the woman who knew him the best

Show threadSteen Comer (dba mediapathic)Mar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie I see you’ve discovered gnosticism.
Show threadMichał "rysiek" Woźniak · 🇺🇦Mar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie yeah I did hear he's a fungi.
Show threadAndré PolykanineMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenin_was_a_mushroom
Lenin was a mushroom - Wikipedia

Show threadWe Can Be GyrosMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie the wisest thing I've read this year.
Show threadNurse SawaMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie "you cannot kill me in a way that matters"
Show threadNerviest InitialApr 1, 2024
@nursesawa
Tell me the name of god you fungal son of a bitch!
Show threadFrank SkorniaMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie Does this mean that when people trip on 'shrooms they are likely communing with God because they have consumed the body of Jesus?
Show threadPhanuelMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie making fun of brain-dead dogmatic religious thought or (at its worst) religious teaching twisted to justify bigotry and hate is fine. They *should* be exposed for the farces and cancers they are. But please don't make fun of the guy whose only addition to the "formal" rules of behavior (the commandments) was to ask us to "love one another as I have loved you."
Show threadDigital GeeneryMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie He's actually a Lich.
Show threadC.Suthorn Mar 27, 2024

@intransitivelie

@BlumeEvolution

Show threadrakooMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie

Jesus: "Take; eat; this is My body"
Me: eat shrooms
Show threadACCOUNT MOVEDMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie @lisamelton Given your (important) discovery combined with the fact we already describe Him as “zombie Jesus”, I’m beginning to think He was patient zero for the Cordyceps outbreak
Show threadeyrea 🇨🇦Mar 27, 2024

@intransitivelie (checks replies)

Doesn't anyone read The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross anymore? There's an entire book about Christianity as a mushroom drug cult.

Show threadMadies ScythianMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie Since Jesus=His Father then Maria was just an incubator for this fungus, which is clearly parasitic.
Show threadJacob Christian Munch-AndersenMar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie That is pretty much the premise of Command & Conquer.
Show threadNerviest InitialMar 27, 2024
@NohatCoder
With Jesus? Wow, I'm sorry I missed that game.
Show threadJacob Christian Munch-AndersenMar 28, 2024
@intransitivelie Some liberties were taken in making this comparison. Jesus is not explicitly mentioned. But there is the cult that treats tiberium like it is the second coming, while it is consuming the Earth.
Show threadJoe  Mar 27, 2024
@intransitivelie , clever fungus, great way to spread the message of love.
If only we had listened instead of committing genocides time and again!
Show threadcλémentdMar 28, 2024
@intransitivelie Okay, that's a storyline I can get behind