Jesus: impossible to kill, reproduced asexually. Jesus is canonically a fungus. Clearly the part the Romans crucified was a fruiting body of some kind, leaving the bulk of the organism below ground, safe and secure. And every Easter, we find Jesus' multi-colored spores hidden in dark places. The rabbits tried to warn us. But now it's too late. He's metastasized across the whole planet. Soon enough, he will come again, and when he does, no cross in the world will be big enough to keep him at bay.

*Twilight Zone music intensifies*