brooklynmarieAnybody else having a real hard time socializing? I don't go to parties or bars nor anything indoors at the moment, because, well, pandemic; I do meet up occasionally with friends outdoors. But it has become horribly painful and awkward. I feel old and weird and like I blurt out stupid shit and hold forth on all the boring stuff that's in my head. I have no idea how much this matches the reality, but it sure makes things painful.
I also quit drinking (temporarily? maybe?) for health reasons and that has just shown me exactly how much I depended on alcohol to drown out the social anxiety I didn't realize I was carrying around for so long. I have no idea what to do about it except retreat back to where I've been, behind a screen. If anybody has been through this and come out the other end, I'd love to hear from you. This is a very uncomfortable and awkward way to live.
Finally, I was 42 when this pandemic began; I'll be 46 this year. I feel like those were important transition years between "I'm still young enough to hang out with the younguns" and "oh holy fuck, society has moved on without me." I think fighting disinfo and all that other shit has added to the general feeling of being at right angles to a lot of the rest of society, except for the few (wonderful) people who are just like me and don't mind my awkwardness.
Anyway, I guess I needed to let it out a bit, just a little Saturday morning emo shitposting before this server goes away, as a treat
Since I'm just letting it all out, I'll add something else: I didn't realize until I wasn't doing it any more how much time I was spending essentially peacocking; I didn't realize how vain I was, how hung up on my appearance, how much my self-esteem demanded the admiration of others. It makes me wonder how much of my identity has been just social scaffolding. I don't know if I'll find out until I start trying to get out again in earnest, which won't be any time soon.
Dyke on her Bike@brooklynmarie
I think there are a lot of us in this position. In your case you suspect it's age and possibly sobriety related, in mine it's because I got lost in politics mania and also buried myself inn sewing, so coming back into society I feel like I'm only talking about subjects no one else is interested in. For friends of mine, they feel vulnerable, and don't want to be around people who don't take EVERY precaution...
I think there are a lot of us in this position. In your case you suspect it's age and possibly sobriety related, in mine it's because I got lost in politics mania and also buried myself inn sewing, so coming back into society I feel like I'm only talking about subjects no one else is interested in. For friends of mine, they feel vulnerable, and don't want to be around people who don't take EVERY precaution...
@Angry_RN Oh absolutely same regarding vulnerability and talking about things no one else is interested in. All I can talk about is destroying Nazis and no one wants to know about all the Nazis!
@brooklynmarie Yeah, I alternate between fashion design (my friends: "who ARE you??") and the damned Leftie purists who refuse to be allies in the fight against Nazis (my friends: "Ah, there you are").
And it's hard to remember there are other subjects.
I figure I'll balance out eventually, as will they.
Although I wish they were a little more concerned about the Nazis...
And it's hard to remember there are other subjects.
I figure I'll balance out eventually, as will they.
Although I wish they were a little more concerned about the Nazis...
@Angry_RN ME TOO. If more people were concerned about fucking Nazis we could take a bit of a rest from thinking about them!
mf MD 
@brooklynmarie @Angry_RN but i do i do! especally now that the predictions i made back in 2017 have become evident.
Larry Rubinow@brooklynmarie I went to a bar last night to see a friend's band, and even though I was sitting with friends (and even though many of the patrons were "of an age"), I felt horribly out of place. I love these people and was not enjoying myself at all.
So yeah. You're not alone. (Though I expect you want to be, so, backing away now.)
@el_rubino No, I want the solidarity, don't worry! I am discovering I'm not as social as I once was but that my social bonds, although fewer, are increasingly precious to me.
@brooklynmarie
Bottom line, I think all of us are feeling a little awkward and jittery and uncomfortable, and giving off vibes that may be read as negative feedback, When really it's their own discomfort.
We're just going to have to give ourselves time to get used to being around others again.
Bottom line, I think all of us are feeling a little awkward and jittery and uncomfortable, and giving off vibes that may be read as negative feedback, When really it's their own discomfort.
We're just going to have to give ourselves time to get used to being around others again.
@Angry_RN That really super helps. I hope we're able to.
J. Jacoby (gender explorer)@brooklynmarie I am the same age as you and having the same thoughts. I also don't drink. It's just a personal choice.
This mid/late 40's thing is not very easy for socializing. Add the anxiety over going out to public places and that's where we are.
I hope you're able to get out from behind the screen and find your group.
@jacobyaudio Me too. Yes! It's something I consider my own personal choice too. I was the drunkest person at the party for years; I think I've given alcohol plenty of love in my lifetime. I don't judge drinkers now, though it seems to make some people feel judged. I just wish mocktails were more normalized. I very much identify with this article: https://qz.com/762868/giving-up-alcohol-opened-my-eyes-to-the-infuriating-truth-about-why-women-drink
PedestrianError 
@brooklynmarie @jacobyaudio I do drink, but I’ve been appreciating lately that many of the same independent breweries that offer outdoor beer gardens for safer socializing also have multiple NA options - nitro cold brew coffee, kombucha (with virtually all the alcohol removed), craft sodas &/or NA beer.
@PedestrianError @jacobyaudio This is interesting. I've been looking for just that!
Darwin Woodka@PedestrianError @brooklynmarie @jacobyaudio I LOVE a good outdoor beer garden! We took a trip to Germany last May and it was so comfortable to be there. Lots of health precautions and the huge outdoor beer gardens for drinking and socializing outdoors. It was great.
Mammal Among MammalsHi Marie, I guess you could say I gave up drinking and am on the other side. I have a rich full life including lots of time with dear friends who either don't drink or don't drink around me.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and Alcoholics Anonymous has been a big part of figuring things out and putting together my new life.
#RecoveryPosse has a lot of posts by people who have overcome drinking or other issues through many paths. Good luck.
@jacobyaudio @MammalAmongMammals Thanks very much for this! <3
@brooklynmarie @jacobyaudio of course! Let us know how we can help, that's what a lot of us are here for 🙏💚
Scott Campbell@brooklynmarie Thank you for sharing and for your vulnerability. As someone who is sober and has terrible social anxiety yet also aches to connect with others, I feel I can relate to what you're experiencing. I have no solution or suggestions, just gratitude for your opening up and knowing that we're not alone in going through this.
@susurros Right back at you. It's really weird, huh? Especially since I didn't really tell anybody I'd quit drinking -- I just stopped one day and decided to see where it went -- and now I run into people I used to get plastered with and sometimes they get super weird about it, like I quit drinking AT them or something.
@brooklynmarie It is most definitely weird. Especially those encounters with folks one used to drink with. I love how you put it. The bafflement and guilt-tripping that sometimes emerges is frustrating and unhelpful, as if I stopped drinking to ruin everyone else's fun. A lot of folks have a long way to go towards understanding and empathizing.
Kim Scheinberg@brooklynmarie @susurros
Oh boy. That thing where people take your sobriety personally, like it's a silent judgment on their drinking?
I was a teetotaler until I was 43. Never had a sip of alcohol or a recreational drug until I started working on Wall St. and I learned early on to lie about my reasons, kinda like the way women know to give men fake phone numbers rather than shoot them down.
I'm 55 now and no longer GAF about what people take personally, but I appreciate how hard it can be.
TheJen@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
Just because you're invited for a beer doesn't mean you have to drink one. :)
@JenWojcik @kims @susurros That's true, but I've had a few past experiences where I've been out there with my nonalcoholic drinks getting heavily pressured. I don't have problems saying no, but I also don't like having to explain myself over and over again, you know?
@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
I get it. Absolutely. So those people who pressure you? Yeah, not your friends. Friends don't do that.
@JenWojcik @kims @susurros I realize that, too. I just wish I could stop finding out people I've thought for years were my friends aren't really my friends.
@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
That's the part you'll grieve. Been there. Fortunately, this opens the door to finding relationships that fit you better. :)
@JenWojcik @kims @susurros Sorry, to elaborate -- I'm not sure if my trust in others will grow back after the last decade, and I'm not certain I'll ever have what I need in order to maintain any new friendships. It's a terrible feeling
@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
Understand that too. Be gentle with yourself. The last few years have been super traumatic for everyone. Some folks will try to cope by reaching for "the old days". You, however, have clearly moved past that and have grown.
@JenWojcik @kims @susurros Appreciate that. I feel completely socially rudderless. On the plus side, I am getting a ton of reading done!
@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
Ha, me too! That's me for other reasons, but also: Pandemic is still happening. :)
@kims @susurros @JenWojcik TRUE. That's a big part of it. I feel very much at odds with people who seem to be hellbent on pretending the pandemic is over. It makes me very angry with a lot of folks, too.
@brooklynmarie @JenWojcik
The hardest thing I've ever gone through was the betrayal of a trusted friend. Not gonna lie, it took me years to get past. Well, not quite *get past*, more like make peace with.
A combination of therapy, a handful of books (particularly _The Betrayal Bond_) and the right drug made a world of difference. But I went through a whole lot of trial and error before finding the things that got me out of the hole I'd retreated into.
I'm very sorry you're going through this.
@kims @JenWojcik One of my best friends in the whole world turned into a big time right-wing operative, seemingly overnight, and stayed that way. She's so out there at this point that I wonder if she hadn't simply befriended me in order to try to glean media tactics; her nonsense was international news about ten years ago (she was the face of "concerned parents" who "had questions" about yoga in schools.) A hugely devastating betrayal.
Yeah. That was my whole family. I get it.
@JenWojcik @kims Oh, I'm so very sorry. Heartbreaking.
It's ok. Really. Just said that so you know I get it. As we get older (I'm 50), friendships are harder and you have to work at them. Look forward. Not back. You can create healthy relationships with people who actually care about you.
Look for them in supportive spaces. :)
@brooklynmarie @JenWojcik
There's a weird consistency there though. I was a big contributor to AFU a million years ago (when Babs Hamel wasn't yet a glean in David's eye) and part of some people's skeptic personality is similar to cultists who like to feel "in the know." The dramatic right wing turn feels like horseshoe theory.
That said, despite knowing what happened in my case was more about who they were and not about who I am, it didn't make it any less devastating. And unmooring.
@kims @JenWojcik YES. Very much so. That's another thing that's quite isolating. I approach counterdisinformation and fact-checking from a different perspective than the reflexively skeptical, which as you mentioned is a major problem. I've seen them go down terrible roads. But that means because I'm not like that, because I'm not out there tearing down belief systems that hurt no one in favor of dismantling harmful ones, I'm considered a crank.
@brooklynmarie @susurros
The easiest one — which is to say that one that got no pushback — was, "I'm taking meds that are contraindicated for alcohol." No one ever asked which med.
The other one was self-deprecatingly asking, "Do I strike you as someone who needs disinhibitors?" but that only works if you have no history of drinking with the people who are asking.
(And the best talk I ever gave was a 14 minute story on how I ended up taking that first drink.)
Tex@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros I mean, I just tell people that the hangovers are too awful now. I used to be able to get over them in a couple of hours, now even 2-3 drinks will ruin my entire weekend
Golfhaus still uses emoji: ⛳🏠@brooklynmarie These are all feels that I've felt too. I also turn 46 this year, and each year feels like I'm getting further and further from "the good years." Not because age is inherently bad, but because the world is just getting worse. If society collapsing doesn't get us, the diseases will, and if the diseases don't, climate change will. And part of me just wants to hole up even further and not think about it.
@golfhaus YES. And I keep wondering: Where will we be in a decade, as a planet? Will we even be alive? And then I start thinking about people my age -- our age! -- who have died, and how many people we knew who aren't around any more, way more than it should be at our age, and it's just so goddamn sad and anxiety producing. I sure wish we could get that satisfying turnaround I am so craving
@brooklynmarie @golfhaus we lost a good friend end of January, only 53. Probably Covid related since we know he was exposed around the end of December. Kept trying to get together with them but they were "too tired" to get out. And then just passed away in their sleep. Really tough. Hugs.
@darwinwoodka @golfhaus Goddamn. I bailed on someone I personally considered a major mentor of mine (I was so scared to potentially infect him that I put off a visit for months) and by the time I felt I was ready he was dying of cancer and couldn’t see anyone. I’ll carry that regret with me forever.
@brooklynmarie @golfhaus I don't know if we just shouldn't have accepted the "too tired" excuse or if it would have done any good anyway. We heard from other friends they had been trying to get him to take better care of himself but he just wasn't listening. I've reached out to our other friends today and asked them to please let us know if they need ANYTHING though. Sigh.
@darwinwoodka @golfhaus I’m so terribly sorry. I don’t think it would have made a difference had you pushed. Definitely don’t blame yourself though. I know how easy that mindset can be to fall into.
AlexAPagliuca@brooklynmarie You’re not at all alone. I identify with all of this. After spending too long staring into the abyss of far right fever swamps, and their recruitment methods, I am pretty on edge constantly in social situations. Like I’m going to end up having to say, “You might just be parroting Fox News, but you also might be a Nazi who’s succeeded in making people want Fox News to parrot you, and I don’t want to care which,” and knowing 90% of the world will not back me up lol
@alexapagliuca OH MY GOD SAME. That's an awful side-effect of all of this. And I deliberately gave myself Twitter brain for years so I could fight those fucking narratives and now I don't know if I can ever fully detoxify.
@brooklynmarie Yeah, I’m 100% with you. I’ve come to the conclusion that I just can’t go anywhere with anyone who is not going to back me up if I say, “I don’t want to talk about this, we need to change the subject.” Anyone who decides to continue after that deserves what they get, however it goes lol
Left Field Farm@brooklynmarie I admire your willingness to be vulnerable, even from behind a screen. The last four years have been horrible for everyone but the 1% -- the rest of us have been coping however we can. It hasn't been pretty or graceful.
@leftfieldfarm It sure hasn't, has it. I wonder what we'll be like in a few years.