brooklynmarieAnybody else having a real hard time socializing? I don't go to parties or bars nor anything indoors at the moment, because, well, pandemic; I do meet up occasionally with friends outdoors. But it has become horribly painful and awkward. I feel old and weird and like I blurt out stupid shit and hold forth on all the boring stuff that's in my head. I have no idea how much this matches the reality, but it sure makes things painful.
I also quit drinking (temporarily? maybe?) for health reasons and that has just shown me exactly how much I depended on alcohol to drown out the social anxiety I didn't realize I was carrying around for so long. I have no idea what to do about it except retreat back to where I've been, behind a screen. If anybody has been through this and come out the other end, I'd love to hear from you. This is a very uncomfortable and awkward way to live.
Finally, I was 42 when this pandemic began; I'll be 46 this year. I feel like those were important transition years between "I'm still young enough to hang out with the younguns" and "oh holy fuck, society has moved on without me." I think fighting disinfo and all that other shit has added to the general feeling of being at right angles to a lot of the rest of society, except for the few (wonderful) people who are just like me and don't mind my awkwardness.
Anyway, I guess I needed to let it out a bit, just a little Saturday morning emo shitposting before this server goes away, as a treat
Scott Campbell@brooklynmarie Thank you for sharing and for your vulnerability. As someone who is sober and has terrible social anxiety yet also aches to connect with others, I feel I can relate to what you're experiencing. I have no solution or suggestions, just gratitude for your opening up and knowing that we're not alone in going through this.
@susurros Right back at you. It's really weird, huh? Especially since I didn't really tell anybody I'd quit drinking -- I just stopped one day and decided to see where it went -- and now I run into people I used to get plastered with and sometimes they get super weird about it, like I quit drinking AT them or something.
Kim Scheinberg@brooklynmarie @susurros
Oh boy. That thing where people take your sobriety personally, like it's a silent judgment on their drinking?
I was a teetotaler until I was 43. Never had a sip of alcohol or a recreational drug until I started working on Wall St. and I learned early on to lie about my reasons, kinda like the way women know to give men fake phone numbers rather than shoot them down.
I'm 55 now and no longer GAF about what people take personally, but I appreciate how hard it can be.
TheJen@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
Just because you're invited for a beer doesn't mean you have to drink one. :)
@JenWojcik @kims @susurros That's true, but I've had a few past experiences where I've been out there with my nonalcoholic drinks getting heavily pressured. I don't have problems saying no, but I also don't like having to explain myself over and over again, you know?
@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
I get it. Absolutely. So those people who pressure you? Yeah, not your friends. Friends don't do that.
@JenWojcik @kims @susurros I realize that, too. I just wish I could stop finding out people I've thought for years were my friends aren't really my friends.
@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
That's the part you'll grieve. Been there. Fortunately, this opens the door to finding relationships that fit you better. :)
@JenWojcik @kims @susurros Sorry, to elaborate -- I'm not sure if my trust in others will grow back after the last decade, and I'm not certain I'll ever have what I need in order to maintain any new friendships. It's a terrible feeling
@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
Understand that too. Be gentle with yourself. The last few years have been super traumatic for everyone. Some folks will try to cope by reaching for "the old days". You, however, have clearly moved past that and have grown.
@JenWojcik @kims @susurros Appreciate that. I feel completely socially rudderless. On the plus side, I am getting a ton of reading done!
@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros
Ha, me too! That's me for other reasons, but also: Pandemic is still happening. :)
@kims @susurros @JenWojcik TRUE. That's a big part of it. I feel very much at odds with people who seem to be hellbent on pretending the pandemic is over. It makes me very angry with a lot of folks, too.
@brooklynmarie @JenWojcik
The hardest thing I've ever gone through was the betrayal of a trusted friend. Not gonna lie, it took me years to get past. Well, not quite *get past*, more like make peace with.
A combination of therapy, a handful of books (particularly _The Betrayal Bond_) and the right drug made a world of difference. But I went through a whole lot of trial and error before finding the things that got me out of the hole I'd retreated into.
I'm very sorry you're going through this.
@kims @JenWojcik One of my best friends in the whole world turned into a big time right-wing operative, seemingly overnight, and stayed that way. She's so out there at this point that I wonder if she hadn't simply befriended me in order to try to glean media tactics; her nonsense was international news about ten years ago (she was the face of "concerned parents" who "had questions" about yoga in schools.) A hugely devastating betrayal.
Yeah. That was my whole family. I get it.
@JenWojcik @kims Oh, I'm so very sorry. Heartbreaking.
It's ok. Really. Just said that so you know I get it. As we get older (I'm 50), friendships are harder and you have to work at them. Look forward. Not back. You can create healthy relationships with people who actually care about you.
Look for them in supportive spaces. :)
@brooklynmarie @JenWojcik
There's a weird consistency there though. I was a big contributor to AFU a million years ago (when Babs Hamel wasn't yet a glean in David's eye) and part of some people's skeptic personality is similar to cultists who like to feel "in the know." The dramatic right wing turn feels like horseshoe theory.
That said, despite knowing what happened in my case was more about who they were and not about who I am, it didn't make it any less devastating. And unmooring.
@kims @JenWojcik YES. Very much so. That's another thing that's quite isolating. I approach counterdisinformation and fact-checking from a different perspective than the reflexively skeptical, which as you mentioned is a major problem. I've seen them go down terrible roads. But that means because I'm not like that, because I'm not out there tearing down belief systems that hurt no one in favor of dismantling harmful ones, I'm considered a crank.
@brooklynmarie @susurros
The easiest one — which is to say that one that got no pushback — was, "I'm taking meds that are contraindicated for alcohol." No one ever asked which med.
The other one was self-deprecatingly asking, "Do I strike you as someone who needs disinhibitors?" but that only works if you have no history of drinking with the people who are asking.
(And the best talk I ever gave was a 14 minute story on how I ended up taking that first drink.)
Tex@brooklynmarie @kims @susurros I mean, I just tell people that the hangovers are too awful now. I used to be able to get over them in a couple of hours, now even 2-3 drinks will ruin my entire weekend