brooklynmarieAnybody else having a real hard time socializing? I don't go to parties or bars nor anything indoors at the moment, because, well, pandemic; I do meet up occasionally with friends outdoors. But it has become horribly painful and awkward. I feel old and weird and like I blurt out stupid shit and hold forth on all the boring stuff that's in my head. I have no idea how much this matches the reality, but it sure makes things painful.
I also quit drinking (temporarily? maybe?) for health reasons and that has just shown me exactly how much I depended on alcohol to drown out the social anxiety I didn't realize I was carrying around for so long. I have no idea what to do about it except retreat back to where I've been, behind a screen. If anybody has been through this and come out the other end, I'd love to hear from you. This is a very uncomfortable and awkward way to live.
Finally, I was 42 when this pandemic began; I'll be 46 this year. I feel like those were important transition years between "I'm still young enough to hang out with the younguns" and "oh holy fuck, society has moved on without me." I think fighting disinfo and all that other shit has added to the general feeling of being at right angles to a lot of the rest of society, except for the few (wonderful) people who are just like me and don't mind my awkwardness.
Anyway, I guess I needed to let it out a bit, just a little Saturday morning emo shitposting before this server goes away, as a treat
Golfhaus still uses emoji: ⛳🏠@brooklynmarie These are all feels that I've felt too. I also turn 46 this year, and each year feels like I'm getting further and further from "the good years." Not because age is inherently bad, but because the world is just getting worse. If society collapsing doesn't get us, the diseases will, and if the diseases don't, climate change will. And part of me just wants to hole up even further and not think about it.
@golfhaus YES. And I keep wondering: Where will we be in a decade, as a planet? Will we even be alive? And then I start thinking about people my age -- our age! -- who have died, and how many people we knew who aren't around any more, way more than it should be at our age, and it's just so goddamn sad and anxiety producing. I sure wish we could get that satisfying turnaround I am so craving
Darwin Woodka@brooklynmarie @golfhaus we lost a good friend end of January, only 53. Probably Covid related since we know he was exposed around the end of December. Kept trying to get together with them but they were "too tired" to get out. And then just passed away in their sleep. Really tough. Hugs.
@darwinwoodka @golfhaus Goddamn. I bailed on someone I personally considered a major mentor of mine (I was so scared to potentially infect him that I put off a visit for months) and by the time I felt I was ready he was dying of cancer and couldn’t see anyone. I’ll carry that regret with me forever.
@brooklynmarie @golfhaus I don't know if we just shouldn't have accepted the "too tired" excuse or if it would have done any good anyway. We heard from other friends they had been trying to get him to take better care of himself but he just wasn't listening. I've reached out to our other friends today and asked them to please let us know if they need ANYTHING though. Sigh.
@darwinwoodka @golfhaus I’m so terribly sorry. I don’t think it would have made a difference had you pushed. Definitely don’t blame yourself though. I know how easy that mindset can be to fall into.