Emily LeeDec 2, 2022
RI DaSēr K

Something I think all survivors of interpersonal abuse and/or toxicity understand, is that after a certain point, questions of whether someone is a good person or a bad person, has good character or bad character, is virtuous or sinful becomes irrelevant.

What matters is their patterns of behavior.

Dec 2, 2022 at 5:47pmWeb
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 2, 2022

In fact, making this distinction has been key to our survival, and to us leaving those unhealthy situations.

Like. Think of the pastor who offers supportive counsel to his parishoners, regularly feeds the hungry etc.......then goes home and beats his wife, every night.

His character is irrelevant. His level of virtue. What matters is that he repeatedly hurts people.

Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 2, 2022

In my experience, abusive and toxic people tend to make a bit deal about not being defined by their past actions, that there's some sort of separation between who they are and how they regularly treat people.

That's a cop-out. That's an attempt to sidestep the reality of their patterns of behavior.

Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 2, 2022

"Why you bringing up old shit??" they performatively weep, while trafficking in the same hurtful, damaging behavior that's left a trail of bodies in their wake (metaphorically speaking).

Like, life DOES give us the opportunity to remake ourselves, if we live it long enough. But if after each "remake" you're maintaining the same habits of harm? The "old shit" remains relevant.

Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 2, 2022

How you treat people — especially marginalized people, especially people you have societal power over — does actually define you as a person.

If that thought sends chills down your spine, well. Might wanna think about treating people better, then.

Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 4, 2022

As I was literally saying! When it comes to people who display repeated patterns of harmful behavior, labeling them "good" or "bad" people is besides the point!! It's about understanding these personality styles and their patterns of harm!!!

https://youtu.be/6MWGIPsyhZQ

Are narcissists bad people?

YouTube
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 4, 2022
"Now when we start getting into the mud about people being bad or good, we oversimplify the human condition, and we lose the opportunity for people to take seriously the harm that narcissistic relationships cause."
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 4, 2022
"In a narcissistic person, just as with any person, there are going to be some things in them that are functional and somewhat decent. We have – all of us – we have some healthy and unhealthy defenses. However, the difference, they key difference, between a person with a narcissistic or an antagonistic personality, and a person with a more healthy, agreeable, and flexible personality, is that the healthier person is often quite self-aware. +
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 4, 2022
"They may have a better handle on what makes them tick, on what might be causing their tough day — they may make allowances for that. They then take the time, mindfully, to not blame others, they take responsibility and do what needs to be done so others don't get hurt. They communicate their feelings. +
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 4, 2022
"For narcissistic folks, the lack of this self-awareness means that they cannot and won't take stock of their inner world, they have no sense of what motivates them, they have a distorted and inaccurate belief that they are more empathic than they are, more self-aware than they actually are, and don't recognize the dynamics within them,  such as insecurity and shame, and how that all plays out for them. +
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 4, 2022
"It is just more self-protective for them to just lash out at everyone else and blame them, and maintain their grandiose arrogant defenses."
Show threadAmeliaDec 2, 2022
@so_treu There is a very long list of people I wish I could make read this post.
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 3, 2022
@mordremoth I feeeeeel you. Lolsobbb
Show threadTQ 🎹Dec 3, 2022
@so_treu oof, yes. It's so true.
Thank you for putting it into clear words.
Show threadcyborgneticzDec 2, 2022
@so_treu
I'm going to talk about that in therapy
the guilt that can come from being like 'I know better. I've seen these behaviors before. Why did I not notice this time'
Show threadAmeliaDec 2, 2022
@Cyborgneticz @so_treu Oof, yes, and the frequency with which our desire to see the good side of people inhibits that pattern recognition and leads to further victimization.
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 2, 2022
@mordremoth @Cyborgneticz or excusing them because "well they're only acting like that because of the trauma THEY'VE endured, I should be more patient........" Meanwhile they're traumatizing you in the here and now 🥴
Show threadcyborgneticzDec 2, 2022
@so_treu @mordremoth
why hello there one of my recent relationships
Show threadRI DaSēr KDec 2, 2022

@Cyborgneticz @mordremoth Literally my last relationship! 😭😭

Solidarity in our healing process. <3

Show threadcyborgneticzDec 2, 2022
@so_treu @mordremoth
<3 <3 <3 <3
Show threadjec&Dec 2, 2022
@Cyborgneticz @mordremoth @so_treu That also gets exploited with the promises of "I can change" and alternated with the "this is not me, you/we bring out the worst in me".

Sorry I can't do CWs from my platform, Friendica.
Show threadTofu GolemDec 2, 2022

@so_treu
I don't doubt that most abusers think they are good and doing the right thing.

Intent doesn't really matter. All that matters is the damage you do and whether you change once someone confronts you about it. If a loved one needs to dissociate from you in order to stop the damage, that's on you, not your victim.

Show threadTheSporkDec 2, 2022
@so_treu same with racism, sexism, antisemitism, etc
Show threadTransitBikerDec 3, 2022
@so_treu no one is a “bad person”. People are not their actions. People should be held accountable for their actions and have their humanity remain intact.
Show threadTQ 🎹Dec 3, 2022
@so_treu this. Oh yes.