Something I think all survivors of interpersonal abuse and/or toxicity understand, is that after a certain point, questions of whether someone is a good person or a bad person, has good character or bad character, is virtuous or sinful becomes irrelevant.
What matters is their patterns of behavior.
In fact, making this distinction has been key to our survival, and to us leaving those unhealthy situations.
Like. Think of the pastor who offers supportive counsel to his parishoners, regularly feeds the hungry etc.......then goes home and beats his wife, every night.
His character is irrelevant. His level of virtue. What matters is that he repeatedly hurts people.
In my experience, abusive and toxic people tend to make a bit deal about not being defined by their past actions, that there's some sort of separation between who they are and how they regularly treat people.
That's a cop-out. That's an attempt to sidestep the reality of their patterns of behavior.
"Why you bringing up old shit??" they performatively weep, while trafficking in the same hurtful, damaging behavior that's left a trail of bodies in their wake (metaphorically speaking).
Like, life DOES give us the opportunity to remake ourselves, if we live it long enough. But if after each "remake" you're maintaining the same habits of harm? The "old shit" remains relevant.
How you treat people — especially marginalized people, especially people you have societal power over — does actually define you as a person.
If that thought sends chills down your spine, well. Might wanna think about treating people better, then.
RI DaSēr K
Amelia