JulesI finally watched this* clip which has been going around, a beautiful duet with a past self. It's lovely.
But man does it give me complicated gender expression feelings. I can't really express them yet but they're definitely there.
YouTube
Going into a difficult meeting (at work) wearing a binder and favorite dress shirt feels like wearing armor.
It makes me stand straight and tall, it makes me feel protected, it reminds me of what I am and what I can do.
RepconnPhone conversation the other day
Guy on the other end: "So would that be all, Mr. ... Uhm. (Hesitates) Uhh, I didn't ask, hence I'm just assuming. Sorry, I got a 'sorta male' vibe, is that correct?"
My agender ass: "'Sorta male' is actually right on the money, thank you."
Considering how weird my gender is, it's wild that he nailed it like that tbh.
Years ago, a co-worker saw me getting ready for my bike ride home as it was sleeting outside. I was wearing boots, a knit cap, a dark grey jacket over a knit sweater.
My co-worker said, "you look like a honest dock worker" and that is still giving me the right (a)gender feelings ☺️
One of my kids likes to kick a ball around sometimes and doing that with them somehow gives me all the gender feelings.
The body language around football (not just playing, but applauding a good move, shouting "nice!" or "noooo!" or "goal!") feels both very male-coded *and* strangely right and good.
So, binders!
They're neat. I like how my upper body looks like in them. I mostly like the compression sensation but the restriction of movement is weird. They're warm, and I don't like the process of putting them on and off.
My posture is better when wearing them. Less slouching.
K3, who likes to grab my breasts during cuddle time, doesn't appreciate them though. In fact, they're strongly opposed.
Being misgendered by random people is sort of okay for me: they call me a woman, whatever.
Being misgendered by people close to me... apparently really isn't okay for me: it hurts.
I took a selfie in a new t-shirt and binder and it's giving me all the good gender presentation feelings 🥲
Went swimming with the kids and had the peak nonbinary experience of visiting all the bathrooms.
(Women's with K1. Men's with K2 because the women's had a large queue and it was urgent. Wheelchair accessible one because that's where the diaper-changing facilities are.)