canberratimes.com.au/story/912…
It's been a terrible year for men.
Sure, it's not like they are murdered by their partners every other week but it's still a terrible year for men.
And it's not like men are the victims of rape and domestic violence every other hour but it's still a terrible year for men.
Why terrible? Because men, many, many men, are not changing. They are not turning away from violence. They are not turning away from trying to control their partners. They are being called to account - but unless they seize this moment to make change, they will forever be trapped in their man box, a term coined by US violence prevention activist Paul Kivel. What's the man box? All the ludicrous expectations of masculinity. All the horrifying entitlements of masculinity.
Imagine being groomed to become a perpetrator.
I'm not even sure that groomed is the right word - but something terrible continues to happen to men and to boys.
We now know the impacts of the problem because we have seen the detailed recommendations from the state coroner, Teresa O'Sullivan, who presided over the inquest into the murder of Lilie James, the young woman who was murdered in the toilet at the school where she'd worked for two years. We know because of the man who went back for his hat a second time, Bruce Lehrmann. This week he lost his second attempt to have his name cleared. I doubt it will ever be cleared - particularly given the appeal judges left it in an even worse place.
Kate Fitz-Gibbon, professor at Monash University, was called to the Lilie James inquest as an expert adviser to the crown solicitor and she reviewed the evidence. Fitz-Gibbon sat through the entire proceedings. Absolutely heartbreaking. Lilie was young. Her murderer, who later took his own life, was also young.
"It's an opportunity for us to think about young people and their role as bystanders. It's really important to understand that no one in that friendship group is responsible for Lilie's death ... but when we look back in hindsight, there's absolutely learnings in terms of what could be gained by improving capacity amongst young people to act as bystanders and to be able to identify risks for themselves as well as others."
Which is tough, because who wants to be the drag in the lively group chat, the one to point out someone's being a dick.
The recommendations are thorough and slightly overwhelming. The coroner says we need more education to raise community awareness of how to identify and respond to coercive controlling behaviours. It's become even tougher now because it's been normalised to share locations. We must all learn to think much more critically about how technology is used to track and abuse. Lilie James's murderer was tracking her location on Snapmaps and her friends just thought it was a sign of affection.
Those of us aged between 16 to 24 need much more awareness of what looks cute but can be controlling and calculating - and universities, TAFE and other forms of higher education better get their skates on.
Remember the ridiculous Coalition fuss about respectful relationship education. We need it. Sure, girls need it but boys need it more. How do we get boys to become kind and nurturing and caring and not violent boofheads? Someone out there knows (try Matt Tyler from Jesuit Social Services, wrangling the Men's Project).
As for me and my kind, journalists need to stop quoting idiots who say that these murders, these rapes, are "out of character". Or that, heaven help me, these murderers were delightful. Murderers are not delightful and all the alleged delight was expunged the minute they chose to murder.
First, let me introduce you to Peta James, the mother of Lilie. The coroner said she spoke "powerfully about raising her daughter to be brave and strong. Peta's words - that we must teach boys to respect and value women's opinions and choices, and to accept rejection - resonate deeply. It is my hope that Peta's message, and the lessons learnt from this tragedy, echo beyond this courtroom and contribute to meaningful change."
Now let me introduce you to Justice Michael Lee, who found Lehrmann was "so intent upon gratification to be indifferent to Ms Higgins's consent and hence went ahead with sexual intercourse without caring whether she consented". The appeal found more and said Lee "should have found actual knowledge on the part of Mr Lehrmann that Ms Higgins did not consent to sexual intercourse".
Value women. Accept rejection. Brittany Higgins did not consent.
This is where we are today - when the most obvious observations about how we should live our lives are not, indeed, observed. As a result? We can't imagine those final moments of a woman's life, when she knows she is going to die, when she is begging the perpetrator to stop, shouting she will do anything to make the violence stop. We hate to imagine the many moments every day when a woman is begging a man to stop his assaults.
This year we have had further insights into the minds of men who rape and murder, who threaten and bully, who track the object of their obsession every minute of every day. We've heard from the family of Lisa Lynn, first wife of Greg Lynn, the man now serving a decades-long sentence for the murder of Carol Clay, 73. We now discover that Lynn had intervention orders against him, that he threatened his wife, the mother of two small boys. She was found dead on her lawn and police said it was suicide. That didn't satisfy the family then, given the previous threats they had reported, and it doesn't satisfy them now.
All too often I hear that police don't do a good job of family violence investigations.
Fitz-Gibbon is clear on this - the coroner in the Lilie James case has made really specific recommendations that are relevant to every single state and every single territory in Australia.
"We have a national crisis in this country. These recommendations will progress much needed actions - if fully implemented and resourced, they will save lives."
#FsckRWNJs #FsckThePatriarchy #FsckMisogynists #FsckSexists #Feminism #WomensRights #WomensRepresentation #misogyny #sexism #DomesticViolence #DieDickswingersDie #WomanNeedsManLikeFishNeedsBicycle #MaleViolence #WomensSafety