Tina Okoli-AzzalarabI Forgive You, But Also… Why?
Hey everyone, Tina here. Pull up a chair, grab a coffee (or something stronger, I don’t judge), and let’s talk about the emotional equivalent of a “check engine” light that just won’t go out: Resentment.
I saw this quote the other day that hit me like a bag of wet flour:
“Resentment is weird because yes, I want to forgive you wholeheartedly, but my mind is struggling to comprehend why did you do that to me.”
Oof. My soul felt that. It’s that exact, frustrating tug-of-war between the person you want to be (the Zen goddess of grace and moving on) and the person you actually are (the one sitting in the car, 20 minutes after arriving home, replaying a conversation from 2019).
The Myth of Cinematic Forgiveness
Forgiveness is marketed to us as this beautiful, sweeping cinematic moment. You say, “I forgive you,” a dove flies by, the sun breaks through the clouds, and suddenly your blood pressure drops.
But in reality? It feels more like a glitchy software update. My heart is over here saying, “Tina, let it go. Being angry is exhausting. We like peace. Peace is chic.” And I agree! I really do. I want to be the bigger person. I want to be so big I’m practically a giant.
But then my brain—the Petty Internal Investigator—pipes up with: “Okay, cool, cool… but seriously, WHY though?”
Why We Struggle with the “Why”
It’s the “Why” that gets us. We can forgive the action, but the logic? The logic is a Rubik’s cube with missing stickers. We drive ourselves into a literal frenzy trying to understand the motivation behind someone else’s choices.
Common Questions We Ask Ourselves:
- Did they not realize it would hurt?
- Did they realize and just not care?
- Is their brain made of actual ham?
We think that if we can just understand why they did it, the resentment will vanish. We become amateur FBI profilers. We look for childhood traumas, Mercury in retrograde, or perhaps a temporary lapse in basic human decency to explain why they said that thing or did that thing.
The Mental Toll of Overthinking Betrayal
The humor in it—if you can call it that—is how much rent-free space these people take up in our heads. I’ll be trying to enjoy a perfectly good taco, and suddenly my brain is like, “Remember when they did that? Let’s analyze their facial expressions from that day for the 400th time.” Thanks, brain. I was just trying to enjoy my carnitas, but sure, let’s do a deep dive into the psychology of betrayal instead.
The Annoying Truth About Closure
Here’s the annoying truth I’m learning: Sometimes, there is no “Why” that will satisfy you.
People do things for reasons that are messy, selfish, or just plain stupid. And if you wait for a logical explanation that makes sense to your kind, empathetic heart, you’re going to be waiting a long time. It’s like waiting for a cat to explain why it knocked a glass off the table. It just did. It’s a cat. It’s chaotic.
How to Protect Your Peace and Move Forward
The struggle mentioned in that quote is the gap between our values (forgiveness) and our ego (the need for justice or understanding). When I feel that “But WHY?” spiral starting, I try to do a few things:
1. Acknowledge the Weirdness
I tell myself, “It’s okay that you’re still confused. You’re a person who values logic and kindness, and this was neither.”
2. Stop Profiling
I am not a mind reader. If I haven’t figured out their motive after three months of overthinking, I’m probably not going to find it in the fourth month.
3. The “Ham” Theory
Sometimes, I just decide their brain was indeed made of ham that day. It’s not a satisfying answer, but it’s funny enough to break the tension.
Forgiveness and Confusion Can Coexist
If you’re sitting there today feeling like you’ve “failed” at forgiveness because you still have questions—you haven’t failed. You’re just human. You can hold forgiveness in one hand and “What the heck was that?” in the other. They can coexist.
Eventually, the “Why” matters less than your own peace of mind. It’s a slow process, and some days you’ll be better at it than others. And on the days you aren’t? Well, there’s always tacos.
Stay messy, stay human, and maybe stop trying to solve mysteries that don’t have clues.
Love, Tina
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Bryan King
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