Nuki Raccoon: Fedi's Favorite Furry F***posterIf u ever think U have it hard, think of all teh people who had ther buttholes stolen by the #ButtholeThieves, n now they hafta go thru life without a butthole smh jfc 
like dis if u cry evertim
đ "They're stealing our pets."
đ± "They're stealing our buttholes."
Now, you say, "I don't need multiple assault weapons." but what will you say when the police tell you they can't recover your butthole? A single handgun or AR-15 hunting rifle cannot protect you from the onslaught of the #ButtholeThieves!
It occurs to me that all this #ButtholeThieves stuff would become a lot more "general audiences" if I renamed it "#ButtThieves" and toned down the violence a little... Like it's never really explained what the butthole thieves are actually doing or what it means to have your butthole stolen, but if I said they are stealing people's butts and now they don't have a butt to sit on, it's still funny and everything could be changed to that with a simple find and replace, and it would be mostly the same story.
Butthole thieves just sounds funnier to me then butt thieves...
...though it's starting to grow on me as an alternate title.
#ButtholeThieves #Sequel #Shitpost #satire #Microfiction #PenisStealingSkateboarders
The man in the suit spoke loudly on the phone, in that long drawl that Harvard nepo-babies were known for, spewing out a string of financial jargon, "Mmm yes, finance, monetization, dividends, gains... I've bought a lot of shares in the food industry, and I need a return on my investment..."
Suddenly, without warning, there was a loud shriek of metal grinding against metal, and someone whizzed by on a skateboard on the rail
"Augh! Security! This is a place of business! There is no skateboarding in the office Park!"
Suddenly, another one whizzed by him, twisting about on the fly by, making a sudden motion with his hands, and the next thing he knew, his pants were on the ground!
"I say! I'll have you arrested for this!"
But before he could do anything else, a third one came by, making a quick motion with his hand, like scissors in the air...
If I write a sequel to #ButtholeThieves, it might be about radical skateboarders who do high speed tricks that steal penises... The #PenisStealingSkateboarders!
Why do these skateboarders steal penises?
To stick it to the MAN!
"Police!" he shouted, brandishing his badge as he rushed out onto the stage, "I need that microphone right now!"
The confused polka singer stared at him a moment, before holding out the microphone, which he quickly grabbed before speaking over the concerned murmurs of the crowd.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I need everyone to remain calm, but there is a criminal in this building with us." The crowd gasped, "I need everyone to remain very still while we search the audience. If you can remain seated, please do. And whatever you do, don't let anyone walk up behind you: the criminal we're after is a kleptomaniac who has developed some sort of technique which allows them to steal people's buttholes."
The crowd was silent for a moment, then people began to laugh.
"It's not a joke!" he shouted, "You're all in serious danger!"
But the laughter grew, and so, he picked the only reasonable option...
#ButtholeThievesOrigins #ButtholeThieves #comedy #detective #thriller #microfiction
"You stole a butthole..." he said with equal parts horror and disgust, "...that's the one thing no one should ever be able to steal... and the worst part is, I don't even understand why."
The thief looked up at him, and slowly, a wicked grin formed and spread across his face, cold eyes twinkling with abhorrent glee. The detective's hands trembled on his gun as the perpetrator spoke words that chilled him to his very soul...
"To show we could."
The detective breathed harder, faster, and finally let out a roar as he pulled the trigger, firing wildly, emptying his entire magazine in a rain of fury...
...but when the smoke cleared, there was no body. All he could hear was the ringing in his ears, and the cackling of the Butthole Thieves...
#ButtholeThieves #ButtholeThievesOrigins #Horror #Microfiction
"Like the fries?" he finally found the levity to smirk.
She nodded, "Oh definitely all the food, but also stuff like the crime rate. The nature of it all really changed once we implemented solutions to things like poverty and mental health. Now it's pretty much crazy people who do things like steal penises or buttholes or whatever, just to show they can."
He froze, staring at her.
"Don't worry about that. A lot of things I say will make sense by the time you actually find out when I'm talking about..." She waved it off.