5/5
#BADGOOSE HAS COME FOR MONEY AND TO FILL THE WORLD WITH JUNK
AND TO CLEAR AWAY THE LAW MAN, HE HAS BROUGHT WITH HIM #GUNSKUNK
THIS PAIR OF EVIL BASTARDS HAS THE SPIRIT AND THE GUMPTION.
TO FULLY FREE THE SURP FOR HUMAN CONTRABAND CONSUMPTION.
THERE’S MORE THAN SEVERAL FORTUNES IN THIS STICKY SWEET BROWN GOLD
AND WITHOUT THE #MOOSECOP BUTTING IN, THOSE FABLED RICHES MIGHT BE KNOWN.
THEY ROLLED IN FROM THE BORDER JUST IN TIME FOR SYRUPFEST
AND IT’S NOT CLEAR HOW THIS ENDS; PERHAPS ONE DAY WE’LL KNOW THE REST.

SO THIS IS WHERE WE STAND, MY SCATTERED FEDIVERSAL FRIENDS:
BAD GOOSE, GUN SKUNK, AND MOOSE COP RACING TOWARD A BITTER END.
WILL ANTLER PASS’S FINEST FEED THESE CRIMINALS THEIR TEETH,
OR WILL THEY FIND TWELVE FEET OF DIRT TO PUT MOOSE COP BENEATH?
WILL THEY EVER FIND THE KILLER WHO STRIPPED MOOSE WIFE AWAY
LIKE SO MANY STRIPS OF BIRCH BARK ON THAT BLACK DECEMBER DAY?
WILL OUR LOCAL LAWMAN WALK THIS LONELY NORTHERN BEAT?
MY MONEY IS ON MOOSE COP, BUT OUR STORY’S INCOMPLETE.

#AntlerPass #MooseCopHulu

4/5
#MOOSECOP IS MORE THAN A MERE ANIMAL; HE IS A NOBLE BEAST
HE BATTLES WITH HIS DEMONS, NO LESS THAN YOU OR ME.
BUT MORE THAN THAT, I THINK HE’S SAD, ALTHOUGH IT’S HARD TO SEE
EVER SINCE HE LOST HIS #MOOSEWIFE, I THINK HE HAS PTSD
YOU CAN READ IT IN HIS FEATURES WHEN HE GOES TO THAT DARK PLACE
HER DEATH IS ANTLER PASS’S ONLY UNSOLVED MURDER CASE.
THE FROZEN GROUND, THE TRAIL OF BLOOD, THE SWIRLING WINTER SNOW;
THE CROWDED STATE PARK PARKING LOT WHERE HER KILLER’S TRAIL RAN COLD.
---
A NOTE TIED TO A ROCK AND THROWN CLEAR THROUGH A CABIN DOOR
MIGHT MAKE A LESSER LAWMAN DOUBT HIS RESOLVE TO ENDURE
THE THREAT OF CERTAIN VIOLENCE MANY SMALL TOWN COPS ABHOR
BUT THIS IS FUCKING MOOSE COP AND HE’S ITCHING FOR A WAR
COULD THIS BE MOOSE WIFE’S KILLER? COULD IT BE A SYRUP SMUGGLER?
PERHAPS IT’S A COP KILLER OR A JILTED MOOSE COP LOVER.
IT NEVER HAS BEEN EASY FOR A LAWMAN AND A MOOSE
BUT I DOUBT IT COULD GET HARDER THAN A VISIT FROM #BADGOOSE.

#AntlerPass #MooseCopHulu

3/5
IT’S NOT ALL WINE AND ROSES IN THIS NORTHERN TWO-HORSE BURG;
THE TOURIST MONEY COMES AND GOES; THE SKIING’S GETTING WORSE.
THE PEOPLE FROM THE CITIES BOUGHT UP COUNTLESS PROPERTIES
AND LEASE THEM OUT TO TOURISTS AS THOSE DAMNED AIRBNBS.
BUT AS FAR AS BORDER VILLAGES THAT FILL THE WOODED SPACE
‘TWEEN WASHINGTON, ONTARIO, MONTANA, AND THE LAKES,
QUEBEC AND NOVA SCOTIA, MINNESOTA AND SAULT SAINTE,
#ANTLERPASS MUST BE THE FINEST, BECAUSE ITS FINEST IS SO GREAT.

SLOSHING THROUGH THE MUSKEG OR CHEWING WILLOW BRANCHES
HE’S ALWAYS UP FOR FEEDING CRIMINALS A #MOOSECOP KNUCKLE SANDWICH
THERE’S NO LINE HE WOULDN’T CROSS, NO UNBURNABLE WOOD BRIDGE.
THE ONE THING KEEPING HIM IN LINE MUST BE HIS PARTNER, MIDGE.
WHETHER ON A STAKEOUT OR SHAKING DOWN A SYRUP SMUGGLER,
MIDGE ALWAYS TROTS OUT GOOD COP BEFORE MOOSE COP MAKES A BLUNDER.
ALTHOUGH MOOSE COP’S POLICE INSTINCTS MIGHT SEE HIM WHALING ON A PERP,
MIDGE BUTS INTO THE RAMPAGE AND ASKS: “WHO’S TRYNA #FREETHESURP ?”

#MooseCopHulu

2/5
JURISDICTION’S JUST ANOTHER WORD THAT #MOOSECOP DOESN’T KNOW
BECAUSE WHEN SOMETHING DOESN’T SET WITH HIM, THAT SOMETHING’S GOTTA GO.
HE DEFENDS LEGAL ABSTRACTIONS WITH ZEAL THAT BEGGARS BELIEF;
MOOSE COP’S OFTEN AT LOGGERHEADS WITH ANTLER PASS’S CHIEF.
“OUR BUDGET ISN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO COMMANDEER
A LOGGING TRUCK AND RAM IT THROUGH GRANDPAPPY’S SOUVENIRS”
MOOSE COP KNOWS THE DRILL AND HE WILL OFFER UP HIS GUN
BUT IT NEVER TAKES TOO LONG BEFORE HIS UNPAID LEAVE IS DONE.

THE LOCALS UNDERSTAND MC HAD CRIMINALS TO CATCH
AND HIS UNGULATE CHARISMA IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MATCH
HE CUTS A HANDSOME FIGURE IN HIS AVIATOR GLASSES,
WOODLAND KHAKI UNIFORM AND ANTLERS: TALL AND MASSIVE.
THE FOLKS AT CITY HALL ALL KNOW THAT MOOSE COP IS THEIR MAN,
AND IF PAPPY HAS A CLAIM TO FILE, HELL, THEY DAMN WELL UNDERSTAND
THE COST OF CHASING ORDER—COULD IT BE TOO HIGH TO PAY?
IF THE COST IS LOSING MOOSE COP, IT’S A COST THEY WILL NOT PAY.

#AntlerPass #MooseCopHulu

1/5
NOW GATHER ‘ROUND AND LISTEN CLOSE TO THE BALLAD OF ANTLER PASS
WHERE EACH AND EVERY LOCAL LEARNED THAT LOGGING JOBS DON’T LAST
THE SAWMILL SWALLOWED UP THE WOODS AND BROUGHT REMUNERATION
BUT THE FICKLE WINDS OF FORTUNE DO NOT FAVOR DISTANT STATIONS
SHE CLOSED HER DOORS WHEN THE PRICE OF BOARDS FELL TOO LOW TO COMPETE
AND THE SACKLERS LOOSED KING IVORY UPON THE RUTTED STREETS.
THE SPECTER STALKED FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE AND FILLED THE TOWN WITH NEED
AND SO IT FELL TO #MOOSECOP TO POLICE THIS LONELY BEAT.

MOOSE COP MIGHT BE A BASTARD, LIKE EVERY COP WHO CAME BEFORE,
BUT DAMN IT, HE’S OUR BASTARD, AND OF THIS YOU CAN BE SURE.
HE METES OUT WOODLAND JUSTICE AND HE METES IT OUT THE BEST
THE LAW’S HIS ONLY LOVER, AND ITS BREAKERS HE DETESTS.
THE SOFTEST VIOLATIONS HE WILL MARK OUT FOR ARREST;
LIKE SPEEDING IN A SUBARU OR SPORTING BLAZE ORANGE VESTS.
BUT LOOMING IN THE FOREST IS A STICKY SITUATION:
FOR BOOTLEG MAPLE SYRUP MAKES ITS WAY INTO OUR NATION.

#AntlerPass #MooseCopHulu

Handmade deer antler lamp from Antler Pass Home Decor & More. Locally made in Antler Pass- home of Moose Cop, internationally known purveyor of peace.

#moosecop
#moosecophulu
#antlerpass

"AIR TRAVEL AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE," HE SPAT. "SECURITY CHECKS, WIND TURBINES, DRUG DOGS, YOU NAME IT. IT AIN'T WORTH IT." #BADGOOSE PECKED OPEN HIS FOURTH CAN OF THE AFTERNOON, MARLBORO ULTRALIGHT STILL SMOLDERING IN HIS BEAK. "YOU WANNA GET AROUND THESE DAYS, NOTHIN' BEATS THE EL CAMINO."

"EL. CAMINO. EL EL CAMINO." #GUNSKUNK LIKED PRESSING BUTTONS, AND WANTED TO FIND THE LINE WITH BAD GOOSE IN CASE HE NEEDED TO WALK IT LATER.

BAD GOOSE WAS DISTRACTED, EYEING ROAD SIGNS. THE BACK ROADS WERE A NECESSITY. LESS BORDER SECURITY, MORE PLACES TO PEEL OFF AND UNLOAD CARGO, AND EVEN A LITTLE SCENIC NATURE. "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, BUD. LOT HARDER TO FIND A PLACE TO TAKE A SHIT ON THE DAMN HIGHWAY. I MEAN, FUCK. IS IT REALLY SO HARD TO PUT IN A PLAYGROUND NOW AND THEN?"

THE INCORRIGIBLE GUN SKUNK FLASHED A SMILE. "THE FRONT IS LIKE A CAR AND THE BACK IS LIKE A TRUCK."

"EVER HEAR ABOUT THE DUNNING-KRUGER EFFECT, G.S.?"

"NO. EL CAMINO. EL EL CAMINO."

"YOU'D LIKE IT." BAD GOOSE ASHED HIS CIGARETTE.

"UH HUH. THE FRONT IS WHERE YOU DRIVE AND THE BACK IS WHERE YOU FU-"

BAD GOOSE BRAKED HARD, SENDING THE UNBUCKLED SKUNK SHOOTING INTO THE DASHBOARD WITH A THUD. A STRONG WING GRABBED THE LITTLE MEPHITID HARD BY THE BACK OF THE NECK. "YOU'RE ALMOST ON MY NERVES, NOW." BAD GOOSE'S METERED TONE BELIED MENACE. "SO HOW'S ABOUT YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A COUPLE MILES."

DAZED AND BLEEDING FROM HIS NOSE, GUN SKUNK WHIMPERED. THEY PLIED THE WOODS IN SILENCE, A WALL OF TALL PINES ON EITHER SIDE OF THE ROAD.

"WELL, WE CAN'T GO THROUGH MILL RIVER. BETSY AT THE TAP 'N CAP THERE STILL BELIEVES IN MATING FOR LIFE." BAD GOOSE CRUSHED HIS EMPTY, TOSSED IT OUT THE WINDOW, AND PECKED OPEN HIS FIFTH. CHEAP SHIT, HALIFAX LOGGER, BUT AT 6 PERCENT HE WASN'T COMPLAINING. "CAN'T DO MINNOW FALLS, NEITHER. TOO MUCH ATTENTION LAST TIME."

GUN SKUNK SIGHED HARD. HE JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF THE CAR FOR A MINUTE, BUT SUSPECTED THAT HIS COMPANION WOULD LEAVE HIM AN HOUR FROM NOWHERE IF HE GOT THE CHANCE. "SO, WHERE TO?"

"I GOT SOME BUSINESS IN #ANTLERPASS. KEEP YOUR HANDS LIMBER. THERE'S ALWAYS TROUBLE IN ANTLER PASS."

THE SUN SWUNG LOWER IN THE LATE WINTER SKY. INCONSISTENT INCHES OF DIRTY SNOW ROSE AND FELL ALONG THE SHOULDER. A NEGLECTED SIGN FOR ANTLER PASS SAILED PAST, AND THEY PULLED UP TO A LONG-SINCE-PROUD MOTEL.

"I DUNNO, IT SEEMS ALMOST CHARMING." GUN SKUNK SLUNG HIS DUFFEL OVER HIS SHOULDER AND CARRIED IT UP TO THE ROOM.

"IT'S AS BAD AS ANY PLACE." BAD GOOSE CRUSHED OUT HIS CIG OUT ON THE RAILING AND LIT ANOTHER. "WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF HEAT ON US REAL SOON."

GUN SKUNK'S EYES CROSSED. "I THOUGHT THE POINT WAS TO GET NO HEAT, EVER."

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE'RE NOT JUST RUNNING THE UPS AND THE DOWNS." BAD GOOSE BLEW TWO RINGS OF SMOKE, AIMED HIS WING AT THEM, AND BLEW THEM APART WITH A GUST OF BREATH. "WE'RE HERE TO KILL #MOOSECOP."

#MOOSECOPHULU
[P.S.: GENTLE REMINDER TO THE MUCKETY MUCKS AT HULU TO CALL BEIGE.PARTY UP WHEN THE WGA STRIKE ENDS.]

Elk Detective let out an ugly cry that prompted many 911 calls. A number of people thought another high pressure line ruptured at the Antler Pass Cider Mill while others thought somebody was blasting Yoko Ono a little too loud It turns out that Sgt. Elk couldn't contain his/their joy and wailed after Jinkx Monsoon won Season 7 of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars.

#moosecop
#mooswcophulu
#elkdetective
#antlerpass
#jinkxmonsoon

So much fuss has been made of a meme featuring Moose Cop. He's such a sensation that a casual photo of him in the Antler Pass Memorial Hospital lobby makes it into national tabloids. Moose Cop was simply paying a visit to a friend who accidentally severed an artery while fishing. Our cervid celebrity was eating on plants the hospital provides for all the elk and moose who pass through.

Much ado about nothing....

#moosecop
#moosecophulu
#antlerpass