My wife said she’d won a raffle for a meal for two, which is great, but what I thought I heard was that the prize was a milf or two, so for once I actually felt disappointed at getting free food.

This year I almost got sentimental and gave my family my address.
Thank god I snapped out of it

Take it from me, yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

seriously what kind of bullshit trade is tears for fears

audrey turns irate
loretta goes into a snit
evelyn becomes vexed
harriet has a fit of pique
dorothy gets slightly miffed

keeping your enemies "close" isn't good enough. ask them out. live together. have children. attempt renovations

My friend just finished an Ironman and I just pulled a muscle falling off the couch after getting my foot stuck in my blanket