What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire.

One afternoon, a 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandma. As she played with her dolls, her grandma busily dusted around the house. Curiosity sparked in the little girl, and she suddenly looked up and asked, "Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?"

Without missing a beat, Grandma smiled and replied, "Oh honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day. The TV evangelists keep me company and lift my spirits. The comedies make me laugh. I’m perfectly happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Satisfied with the answer, the little girl went back to her dolls while Grandma turned on the TV. But the picture was all fuzzy, and no amount of knob-twisting could fix it. Growing frustrated, Grandma started giving the TV a few good whacks, hoping that would solve the problem.

Just then, the doorbell rang. The little girl ran to the door and opened it to find Grandma’s minister standing there.

With a warm smile, the minister asked, "Hello, young lady. Is your grandma home?"

The little girl, without hesitation, responded, "Yep! She’s in the bedroom, bangin’ her boyfriend!"

A woman went to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lived with a female roommate, Maria. Throughout the meal, the mother couldn’t help but notice how lovely Maria was, and as the evening progressed, she began to wonder if there might be more between Anthony and Maria than what met the eye. Sensing his mother’s thoughts, Anthony quickly said, “I know what you're thinking, but I promise, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony and said, “Ever since your mom came for dinner, I can't find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t think she took it, do you?”

“I really doubt it,” Anthony replied, “but I’ll email her just to be sure.”

So, he sat down and typed:

Dear Mama,
I’m not saying you did take the sugar bowl, and I’m not saying you didn’t take it. But the fact is, it’s been missing since you came for dinner.
Love,
Your son, Anthony.

A few hours later, Anthony received a response from his mom:

Dear son,
I’m not saying you do sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying you don’t sleep with her. But the fact is, if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Your Mama.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird...

So I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads.

Adults: Behave!

Me: Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrive home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who should be in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems. Without me, nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over. Without me, you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.""I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I’m responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him. In a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood became toxic.
They all finally decided that the rectum should be the boss.

Moral of the story: Even though the others do all the hard work, the ass hole is usually the one in charge.