After six years, we are closing the Nanaimo Beacon.

What started as a few cheap jokes turned into a strange, joyful corner of our community.

Along the way, we raised $3,500 for local causes and hopefully a few eyebrows.

Thanks for being in on it. Even when you weren’t.
❤️

Susan, David, and Kris

With cruise ship traffic set to double, #Nanaimo is bracing for an influx of confused tourists asking where the Starbucks is.

Local officials are scrambling to create more attractions, including a "Genuine Nanaimo Bar Experience" where guests pay $20 to watch someone eat one.

City workshops have restarted for residents to practice their "Oh yes, this is the whole downtown" speech. Meanwhile, pigeons at Maffeo Sutton Park are reportedly "thrilled" about the buffet expansion.

🧵 a thread 👇🏻

After a record-breaking year for power failures in #Nanaimo, #BCHydro has introduced a new billing tier: "Surprise Outage Premium."

The plan offers no additional service, but does charge customers extra to experience the thrilling unpredictability of underfunded energy infrastructure.

"It's all about excitement," explained a spokesperson. "Why pay for reliable power when you can pay for a new adventure every storm?"

The first wave of #Nanaimo residents participating in the #psilocybin trial have reported “extremely positive” effects, though most were too busy laughing at the shape of their hands to elaborate.

Therapists say at least one participant got stuck in a loop saying, “Duuuude, this is so Harewood.”

Local RCMP are scratching their heads after someone managed to steal an entire boat from a #Nanaimo marina.

“We assumed boats were just floating houses that never moved,” said one officer. “But it turns out, with the right skills, you can take one.”

Police are urging boat owners to lock up their boats and, at the very least, not leave out the keys labeled "boat keys."

After days of snow-clearing #Nanaimo main streets, city road crews were astonished to learn that secondary routes are, in fact, real.

"We thought they were myths, like Bigfoot or affordable housing," said one worker.

Residents on side streets celebrated cautiously, unsure if they’d be freed from their icy captivity or if this was just a cruel municipal prank.

#Nanaimo bus riders will pay $250 per ride starting April 1, following a decision last night by the RDN.

The new #transit fare will fund an upgrade to bus interiors, and promises benefits like "(mostly) vomit-free seating" and "handrails pre-lubricated with decades of mysterious stickiness."

A Mississippi state bill being debated would ban men from masturbating.

The bill, titled the "Contraception Begins at Erection Act," would make it unlawful for "a person to discharge genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo."

Also, this is real and not satire.