Hate when I’m recording a video ranting about the poor customer service I just received and I’m not looking where I’m going so I fall through an open manhole cover

Megan won in court. Greta sent Andrew Tate to jail. The universe has been very clear, 2023 is for the ladies

The main problem with smartphones is that they don’t make them in novelty food shapes

Everyone around you is fighting a battle you know nothing about. You are a 17th century warrior with ADHD and you are spacing out hardcore on the battlefield rn. For the love of god, focus

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

I don’t pay for Spotify so every time I listen to a song I have to jot it down in my little notebook & take it to my accountant at the end of the tax year so he can mail my top five songs to the federal government