Evening sweethearts 💕

This is another one of my posts. CW. Those not in the mood for a little self-obsessed, albeit happy, sharing, feel free to give this a miss. No hard feelings. Many times, I would have done so, too, in your shoes. In my defence, one reason I feel able to post about personal joy now is that for much of my life, it has been very, very different

Anyway, for those still with me, I'll keep it brief

Since the time I had fallen out of the closet as a trans woman once and for all and began transitioning with my full commitment, I have not seen my mother. I still have not, and btw, I haven't seen her for over 15 years

She was not a great mother. Partly that's personal to her. She is a difficult, very repressed, socially conservative, self-centred, vindictive, judgemental.. <ahem> okay, I couldn't go on, but I won't. But there is another part. No one deserves the way my father treated her. Given the psychological and sexual abuse she endured, there were extra reasons why she was unable to love her children

So I left, went far away, and for many years, was entirely out of touch, but after my father died I reached out and we have had a distant but constant, by phone only, mother-son relationship that I have managed carefully to ensure neither of us gets hurt

Anyway, against this background, it wasn't surprising that she was the last person I came out to as a trans woman. Surprisingly (to me), that went quite well. She had no idea what trans meant, but she became quite accepting. However, there has been one thing I've resisted, despite her increasingly heartfelt requests.. sharinv with her a photo of myself as I now live. As a woman.

Tbh, I dreaded doing so. I feared seeing the reality would be different for her. I feared her tolerance thus far existed only because she hadn't really connected to the reality. Today, something trivial occurred that made me decide I'd roll that dice and let what happens happen. She once again and then repeatedly (absent mindedly) misgendered me and used my old name. I decided only seeing would be believing, took a decent selfie, and sent it

The range of responses I'd accounted for started with utter horror and ended with, at best, a self-controlled but insincere 'thanks for the pic'. Not in my wildest dreams did I consider the reaction I got to be on the cards

She called me back

'You look so much better as a woman than you ever did as a boy. So, so much prettier. I can't believe how pretty you are. I see this was always meant to be. You look so much more feminine than many women'

This difficult, traumatising, cold woman who neglected and frankly persecuted me throughout my childhood made my heart sing and gave me the greatest gift imaginable. Her words went a long way to silence my own inner transphobia, mg own cruel, self-punishing inner critic, and to make me believe in myself

That phone conversation is going to stick with me forever

That's all. Sorry for going on about myself like this. I just had to share with someone.. and you lot were there

Love you all. Know this - the darkness can seem eternal and then.. it can just lift. Thanks for reading lovelies. J can't be bothered to check for typos and edit this one. You'll work it out 😉 Have a great evening, peeps 💕

#transfem #trans #lgbtqia #Pride2025

Something personal. I can't always tell what is oversharing, what may seem or be self-obsessed, and what may be self-indulgent. But I hope this sincere sharing will be a good thing, so here goes. Another long one 🤷🏼‍♀️💕

Nearly a year and a half ago, the fortress that contained and hid my transness from myself and the world crumbled. It was as tho a dam had burst. In just a weekend, a lifetime of repression was transformed. Immediately, I understood everything had changed. It was and remains an ecstatic release of cleansing life force. There was no return, and I recall feeling 'well, this is going to be challenging'

But here, I want to just mention one aspect. My wife of now 27 years, my soul mate, my long suffering partner in crime, with, believe it or not, her own internal existence, had at that time (and to a tragic degree still is) been deeply agoraphobic. None of you here know her, so I don't believe she will mind me mentioning this much so that I can describe one particular challenge of many that I personally have faced

By the time of that fateful weekend, years and years of personal struggles had brought us both to a state of profound isolation, but this is a sharing about my own experience

I had to step out into the world as a trans woman alone. This had at least two aspects. First, that took courage. That weekend, I went shopping and haven't touched (literally!) my old clothes again. And I am deeply proud of myself for having possessed the courage, regardless of who I would meet, to step out into the world, never to hide again, every day since. So, I began the liberating process of transition. It was not an event but a process of growth and self-discovery that had begun. Not one that required will or my imposition on reality. Instead, it was beautiful nature working her magic, and all I had to do was yield. In just under a year and a half, so much has changed. Everything

But across that time, I have mourned not having my wife by my side. There to witness my courage, to see those social aspects of myself flourish, to provide her moral support, to share in a whole half of what I was experiencing and to escape those negative circular neuroses, to bathe herself in nature, nourished by new experience. To help me make female friends and learn how to relate differently to the world. To be caught up in the energy of my healing and find her own

It was meant to be this way. In this long period at the beginning, I was meant to walk alone in full public view. I held several perspectives that helped. I accepted she would find her own way when she could. I have faith that life unfolds in ways that are wise, known only to itself, and that are magical. And I'm quite a rewriter of personal narratives 😉. I knew that whichever direction our lives took, I would be able to transform the story into one laced with meaning and gifts for us both

But, oh my, I have had to dig deep for patience. I mention those qualities because they are objectively true. Equally true is that I can be irrepressible and impatient. So when, day after day, I stepped outside and she stayed home, it felt hard. I had to resist feeling guilt at liberating myself. I had to allow her to face the challenges that my liberation presented to her. And each day, I returned to find her seeming to be in the same dark place. And each day, I kept the faith

Now we have reached the happy outcome stage of my sharing 😊💕

Over the last few weeks, like a hedgehog coming out of hibernation, she has started to appear. I have been able to show her some of the secret footpaths through woodland that I have discovered. We have walked together along the canal, smiled at passers by together, sat under my favourite sitting tree, and had a packed lunch by the river. By her own choosing, she had a proper haircut at the local hairdressers (ie not one I've learnt how to do via YT videos)

This is monumental for her

And for me? I can't tell you how much this means. It feels indescribably wonderful and a huge relief to be in this world, as a trans woman now, with her. Another liberation. Another release of Nature's flow, tho a more gentle and gradual one, with, no doubt, twists and turns still ahead

So here is a short video I recorded while with my love and my soul mate of 27 years, at a spot by the divine local river just a gentle walk down the canal from home, each of us yielding to change

I offer it as 2 minutes of inspiration to yield to the flow 😘

Love ya all 🥰
https://youtu.be/YQaJbLP6-To
#trans #lgbtqia #healing #nature

Pondering personal experiences of transphobia..

It is remarkable that here in this rural Welsh town, I have experienced very few transphobic reactions, and what there has been has not amounted to more than a few sour looks. And then, only once from someone I knew to be a local (we get many English tourists). That singular example was from a grey haired, miserable ol' guy who stuffs animals for a living and has a concrete bust of Enoch Powell in his back garden, so not entirely a surprise there

But any whiff of transphobia has been entirely swamped by friendliness and ready acceptance. It's just not a big deal for almost all. If I seem entirely happy and natural about it, then they are. And then there are numerous gems. Women mostly, who enthuse a warmth and personal regard that I never experienced before

I feel visible as a human at last. People know who I am, they understand my nature and character, it makes perfect sense, and mostly, they seem to appreciate it. I'm a bit of colour about town. Someone being their true, slightly curious self. And many, even tho I don't imagine I pass any close examination, easily accept me as a woman. I've never needed or wanted to mention pronouns

To be honest, my most constant experience of transphobia is my own. What I would never inflict on another, I seem to have no problem inflicting on myself. Thanks, toxic upbringing! Thanks, my own worst enemy.. me!

I felt like sharing these experiences because they stand in stark contrast to what you'd expect from our media and political climate. Perhaps Wales is different from England, and much of that tone is set by England. Wales certainly is different. There is still an undercurrent of the Under Milk Woods about the place. They appreciate their characters and whether they strictly approve or not, have an instinctively tolerant approach to life, when not being riled up UK national political influences. So that may explain some of my experience, and I love the Welsh for it. Thank the Lord I'm Welsh, as she said

But there's a more important point. Most people, left to their own devices, just want a happy life, would like others to find happiness in whatever way they see fit, don't need to understand everything and don't see threats where there are none. Any impression to the contrary is entirely the product of manipulation, created by those who hope that if they create an illusion of fear, people will follow.. and often they do

Of course, this doesn't mean many people are vigilant and prepared to come out and bat for you. Their private lives and struggles understandably preoccupy them, and it takes a personal connection to motivate much solidarity. Politics often feels like war and who wants to go to war, even for a noble cause unless they must? Not me.. and not them either. So I get that

It's a little unfortunate, tho, because there is a minority that could get out of control. And they are a minority. No one naturally harbours such damage and hate that they are motivated to persecute another for their own satisfaction, and it takes wretched life experience to create one who does. But this minority can be very good at creating the illusion that they are many, that their dark cause is real, and that the imperative to address it without consideration is urgent. These people, angry people, damaged people, hateful people, cold-hearted people, and power-hungry people are a menace despite being few. And there are many more capable of falling under their spell

So this slightly dreamy and very lovely Welsh town is not as safe as it now feels. All that could change quite quickly. I know that. But it's important to remember that this is the reality. Most people are indeed wonderful. But there is a darkness about.. and sometimes, we need to face it before it arrives at our door

For my sake, if nothing else! 😉💕

Love ya all 😉😘🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🏳️‍⚧️

#transphobia #transfem #trans #lgbtqia