Mike ShewardThe officers approached the door, a brief nod between them, and they knew it was time to begin the familiar sequence. The first officer knocked loudly three times, while the second took on a speaking role.
“Police! Open up!!”
After a few moments of quiet, a gruff voice, muffled behind the closed door, spoke up.
“Come back with a warrant,” came the unwelcoming reply.
“Oh, but we have one. We have a signed search warrant for this property, so come on out,” the officer confidently replied.
“I wanna see it, then,” the voice from inside countered. “Slide it under the door.”
The officers looked puzzled, no one had ever asked to actually see the warrant.
“Well, we don’t have a paper copy of it,” the first officer said.
“Right, everything is on Docusign these days,” the second chimed in.
“Put your phone through the letter box then, I’ll take a look at it on there.”
“I’m not going to give you my phone,” the second officer replied, his phone now in hand. “What’s your email address? I can forward you a copy.”
The gruff voice provided an email address to the officers.
“Ok, I’ve sent that it should be in your inbox now.”
“Nothing.”
“Ok, check spam - sometimes they go into spam,” the first officer interjected.
“Ah yes it’s in spam. But it’s not opening, it says I have to login to my DocuSign account. I don’t have a DocuSign account?”
“Well. Can you just sign up then?” Asked the second officer.
“I ain’t paying for DocuSign!” The voice replied abruptly.
“I don’t think you have to pay, it’s free to view documents.”
“I don’t wanna risk it, I have so many subscriptions,” the voice inside responded.
The officers contemplated their next move.
“Do you have a printer?” One asked.
“Yes,” the voice inside responded.
“Ok, does it have AirPrint?”
“I think so? How could I tell?”
“What’s your wifi password? We’ll join the network and we’ll be able to tell,” the officer responded.
“Ok. Wifi password is $42xnskwfgewzfgekueod!&3.”
The first officer rolled his eyes.
Fifteen minutes later, after breaking the WiFi passcode into manageable chunks, the officer was finally connected.
“Ok. I see the printer. It has AirPrint. Thank God. Ok, I’m printing now.”
“Nothing is happening,” said the person inside the house.
“Ah, it just said you’re out of yellow ink. Do you have any more yellow ink?”
“I do not, but why do you need yellow ink? Just print it in black and white?”
“Yeah these new printers want you to have all the inks before you print.”
“No way. And yet, I’m the criminal?” The voice inside replied.
“Right?” The officers laughed, before finally becoming resigned to their fate. “Ok, we’re going to go print the warrant at the station. I’m out of daily printing credits so will have to wait for them to reset at midnight. Please don’t go anywhere or remove any evidence from the property until we come back.”
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