HatA man hands you a box. Telling you it is full of your worst fears. The reality is the box is empty but oh how you fill it still.
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I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please.
Jome: popcorn button doesn’t work on the microwave
him: what happened
me: it’s still broccoli
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that's why it's on fire
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Roxi Horror 💀🌸Could a depressed person do this? [drinking soup out of a wine glass]
SirEviscerate 
ME: I'm afraid I don't have enough to make rent. Maybe there's some *bites my bottom lip seductively*.... other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Boss: if you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Moose Allain"Must be cool being a pasta chef, cooking all these… big tubes and stuff"
"It's 'cannelloni', actually"
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that"
"It's 'cannelloni', actually"
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that"
[Park]
Stranger: your dog is unusual looking
Me: yeah, he's interbred
Duck *waddles up* I'll tell you who else is into bread
Abby. Yep. That oneGuy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more