Aurin (ki, ki, kis)

This week's blog post is a conversation with an abuser introject of my twin. It starts with:

🐀 I just... I just want this pain to stop... *sobs*

🐑 Do you know where this pain is coming from?

🐀 FROM YOU!!!!!

🐑 *holds up hands* I am not hurting you.

🐀 BUT I'M IN PAIN!!! IT MUST BE YOU!!!! >:///
IT IS ALWAYS YOU.
You are the weakest link. If you just measured UP, we'd ALL be ok!!!

later:

🐑 You didn't disintegrate from pain, despite the fact that I kept my boundary. Me having boundaries is not an attack on you or constitutes abuse.

🐀 it does

🐑 No, it does not.

We did get somewhere in the end. Felt very enlightening about how our abusers think, how abuse works in our corrupt family system. Granted, this is only coming from an introject, but still.

⚠️ TW for incest, rape, CSA

https://aurin.mataroa.blog/blog/inner-helper-talks-to-the-abuser-introject/

#rapeSurvivor #AbuseSurvivor #Introject #parts #DID #persecutor #ShadowWork #RapeCulture #incest #cocsa #AurinBlogs

Inner helper talks to the abuser introject — aurin

Jun 20 at 7:54pmWeb
Show thread Aurin (ki, ki, kis)23h ago

I do think I know by now what the abusers wanted. They wanted me to be disconnected from my authentic self (having an authentic self at all is seen as cringe, a reason to be dehumanised, reflecting badly on the rest of them, etc) and stop my attempts at reconnecting. Or at connecting to other people's authentic selves.

I was supposed to live mainly in my false self (or pseudopersonality). I guess the authentic self could peek out occasionally, though I don't know what the rules for that would have been. I didn't follow them anyway and they are hypocritical and self-contradictory. They do make a certain amount of sense though once one understands the basis for the double-talk: That disconnect between authentic/true self and false self.