jadedctrl 
My new alarm is highly effective! 
calendar.sh | lp
sleep 15 # Let it print loudly…
mpv --loop-file=inf ~/.local/share/sounds/Panzer\ Vor\!/Panzer\ Vor\!\ —\ Sonorilo\ \(Kuntanke\).ogg
It prints my calendar to my super-loud dot-matrix printer, then plays music until I get outta bet and smack my PC 