Ms. Que Banh1d ago

Me & my family can relate to what Sharman experienced with her Mother's death. Sharman became a death doula after her Mom died.

We still can't afford any family burial plots. We keep Dad's urn with his memorial altar at home.
I got into death doula work in late 2023, months after Dad died.

When you're poor it is super expensive to be sick & it's also expensive to die. Funeral industry is a racket. I had to take out a small loan to cover all of Dad's funeral/memorial services.

https://mstdn.ca/@thetyee/116319135426441927

#Death #Funerals #PoorFamilies #CostOfDeath #DeathDoulas #EndOfLifeCare #GriefAndLoss #FamilyResponsibility

The Tyee (@[email protected])

Zena Sharman writes with candour about how expensive death is for poor families and the compromises that have to be made after someone passes. https://thetyee.ca/Culture/2026/03/27/Zena-Sharman-Staying-Power-Queer-Family-Rules/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=editorial

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Show threadDeb Nam-Krane1d ago

@PhoenixSerenity One on my son's friends committed suicide. All of 22. Friends launched a GoFundMe for the funeral, because the thousands of dollars needed might be a hardship.

Probably had something to do with why the funeral was fifteen days after death and my son couldn't bring himself to look at the body in the casket.

Show threadMs. Que Banh

@dnkboston I'm sorry your son lost a friend to suicide at such a young age. That's always a difficult loss to process & accept...at any age but even more so when very young. I can relate to your son's loss. Two friends ended their lives before age 19; one at age 15 & the other 17. I don't know about your son but I had some survivor guilt/felt if I was home when one of those friends called - they wouldn't have killed themself. I was sent to therapy to deal with immense grief & survivor guilt feelings.

I was so stressed/overloaded I couldn't set up any fundraiser. I could barely keep myself together & had to arrange almost everything by myself. My Mom & brothers were in worse shape so everything fell on my shoulders. I had to postpone a lot of my heavy grieving until after funeral business stuff was wrapped up.

Mar 31 at 3:55pmWeb
Show threadDeb Nam-Krane1d ago

@PhoenixSerenity I'm so sorry. Two is two too many that young. Postponing deep emotions...yeah, that's a "skill", right?

Yes, my son also had survivor's guilt, and he had talked to his friend just two days before. The 22 year old was a Black transman, and my son is keenly aware that he can get through life with more ease. (He's part Korean, but he looks very white.) I expect that his grief and processing will come in waves, but the first week was pretty hard for him.

Show threadMs. Que Banh1d ago

@dnkboston Yeah...it's a skill that some of us learn, over multiple lived experiences where we need to set aside deep emotions to get legals/business sorted out.

Did you son get any counseling for his grief? Was this a recent loss?
I needed it to understand suicide & to stop beating myself up.

Show threadDeb Nam-Krane1d ago

@PhoenixSerenity He has not gotten any counseling yet. He "lost" his therapist a few years ago--administrative blah blah blah--and it's been difficult to replace him.

Unfortunately, my BIL committed suicide a few years ago, and everyone in my family took it hard. I've been thinking a lot about suicide since then, and some myths have been exploded (i.e., who's most at risk). We talk about it a lot, to varying degrees of utility.

Show threadMs. Que Banh1d ago

@dnkboston
A good therapist is hard to replace. I hope stars align for a well suited replacement 🙏

That's good that you & your family are talking about it. It helps to talk to others who are sharing the suicidal loss of a beloved family member.
I hope your sister is surrounded with loads of support 💗

Show threadDeb Nam-Krane1d ago

@PhoenixSerenity Thank you for your therapist prayers 🙂

My sister and her kids have been seeing a therapist since the loss. Absolutely essential.

Show threadMs. Que Banh1d ago
@dnkboston ❤️🙏❤️ It makes a huge difference in the long healing journey.