It's so tricky because people like me as a woman. They think my name is beautiful. They think my singing voice is beautiful. They think I'm pretty. And I just kind of have to smile and nod along. And I feel like the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to actually come out. Like, people will be super attached to the person they've known for a long time.

2/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

And it breaks my heart to think that people who like me as a woman might end up thinking that I'm throwing away a good thing or something. Or that they may try to stop me, simply because they would be scared for my safety, what with the state of the world and my country right now. Or, they might think I am just looking for an "instant fix" to my problems.

3/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

And that last part is so ironic, because, well, coming out as trans might actually remedy a shit ton of my mental health woes. But, then again, it would create a whole slew of new problems, too. But the difference is that perhaps I would actually want to face my problems for once. Face my future. Face the rest of my life. Actually envision and chase something for myself, you know?

4/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

Sigh. It's just so confusing. It's all so confusing. Plus, I'm always doubting myself. Totally in denial. Imposter syndrome. Like, what if it's just me looking for a way to fit in or something? Well, there's gotta be easier ways than that. Maybe it's just neurodivergency making me think I'm trans? They do go hand in hand a lot, after all.

5/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

Or what if I am just misogynistic, and running away from being a woman? I don't exactly think that's the case, as I know women are just as capable of anything as men, and no one has ever made me feel like I was inferior for being female or anything. But, then again, what if it is just a subconscious thing?

6/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

Or, what if I am afraid of the possibility of me being in a sapphic relationship someday? That wouldn't exactly make a whole lot of sense though, because I don't have anything against gay people. In fact, that would probably be the easier path, to just be a gay cis woman, or a bi cis woman, or whatever.

7/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

Am I a misogynist if I think it's cool to be a man? Or that I would feel better/cooler if I personally was a man? And if people of any gender can act, talk, dress, express, and do things that any other gender can, what do I have to base this off of? How would I ever know whatever the hell I am?

8/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

I don't even know if I could explain why I want to be a man, or feel like I am a man. Shouldn't there be reasons why I think/feel this way? Shouldn't there have been a bunch of clear signs all throughout my life thus far? Or have there been, and I just haven't noticed them? Maybe I am just more stupid and unobservant than I thought I was, and just hadn't seen it for what it was.

9/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

It's just weird. I feel like I am coming to a proverbial fork in the road here. Like, there is a reckoning with myself on the horizon. Something has to happen, has to change. Some sort of gender transition, be it social or medical or both, just looks better and better by the day. But I feel so much shame, guilt, and fear over it + like I am betraying people who know me a certain way.

10/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

The more I wait on this, the more stuck I get. My life force, as in motivation and drive to do anything, to be inspired, to be productive, feels like it is sapping and ebbing away. My good feelings come back a bit from time to time, but it always gets weaker, and not as long or frequent as before. I can't move forward with my life until I know who I am, who I'm putting out there.

11/?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc

And is my apathy/amotivation/what have you, due to my being closeted trans/in denial? Or maybe because of my meds? Idk. Just felt like I needed to vent. As usual, if anyone has any advice for me, I'd be happy to hear it, but whatever is cool.

12/12?

#lgbtq #transman #transgenderman #ftm #ftmquestioning #transgender #lgbt #transmasc #transmasculine #masc