I had several level one traumas going on, not the least of which was #homelessness. And you can call it #God, and I do, or you can call it I'm just fucking smart, and I am, but I'm not as smart as God, and this was the clearest thought I ever had. Still true.

"4% of some amount of money homes some number of people in perpetuity." And it opened up like a #lotus. I knew immediately what it meant. I had to document it. No money, driving #Doordash in a #Sequoia, out of my fucking mind in anguish and rage. 405 was 85. #Covid driving.

And I was coming home one day after a particularly good day, but I had to rush to get my #beer and #weed so I could forget that I was still breathing. (I know that there's a lot of people there right now. #MissKitty is not.) And at the bottom of the off ramp to head up to the store, stood a man...

... in 38° and rain in what weren't really clothes anymore. And he was there every day. Who knows if he made it through that #winter. And I gave him $5. And he said #God bless you. I pulled away, and I started to sob. And I started to scream. Who the fuck am I? I was hopeless. He said God bless you.

And you can't hear me #screaming today either, but I have been. Thinking of him and all of the things that I have seen. All of the numbers I have calculated against #human #life. I have to stop the #rage otherwise I could hurt myself like with a heart attack or something. I am so furious.

And I got drunk for a year and a half because I was brand new in #transition also and I didn't know anything then, so many funny stories. So many painful ones. And one day in August of '23, I could look up the day, God said if you don't write that book you're going to lose all #self-respect.

I picked up all the #paraphernalia and walked it across the street to a bus stop garbage can and went back inside and sat down and wrote 80,000 words and published it in 48 days. Facts. The truth. Fucking brutal. And I delivered it like #Schwarzenegger with spikes on my hands. God made me unpublish.

I had done it wrong. I had torn flesh from bone and then powderized the bone. I left nobody alone. I said things that were right on the line. I know the #laws around #defamation. I was within my rights to say what I said, even #legally. But it was brutal nonetheless. Unacceptable.