Mastodawn

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to respond to this co-worker who suddenly started addressing me as "he." I thought about writing this up, both to work through my thoughts as well as provide some words and ideas others could use in similar situations.

A lot of this comes from my absorbing the work of many many Black feminists and Black writers. At the core, anti-trans issues are rooted in anti-Black issues, and those crossover for Black trans people.

Also, this is not "How to clap back" so much as "things you can think about in formulating your own response."

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

One of the main lessons I have learned, both from Black feminists and as a long time public-facing Black writer, is that this is a battle I do not want to fight on their ground.

Toni Morrison said this very well in her A Huminist's View speech. She was talking about the social battle, but I have found that this applies to the individual battle as well.

What does fighting on their ground mean? It means responding. It means reacting. If someone misgenders you and then tries to justify it IN ANY WAY, then you are already on their ground. Because they have already decided they know who you are.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

If you respond to their questions, their justifications, you are reacting.

They will ask you what you were born as, they will ask you what your mother called you, they will ask you what your driver's license says. What they are doing is forcing you to prove your own validity.

But here's the truth, like Morrison said: There will always be one more thing.

Because the goal is not to ensure your validity, the goal is to ensure you are invalid.

This is not an honest fight. They will keep going until they find some proof that you are a lie. But here's the thing… if you are talking about this, they already believe you are a lie. Nothing will shake that. This is their ground.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

Here's a slightly richer take on reacting, something you see in Democratic discourse all the time.

Responding activates their frame.

Here's the thing, if someone says anything about you, and you argue back about whether that thing is true, then you have validated the truth of their argument simply by responding.

The moment this man calls me "he," he activated the frame he wanted activated. From that moment on, any argument with him happens in the framing of "I am assumed to be a man and must prove otherwise."

If I say anything to counter this, then what I am doing is validating the need that it is an argument he was entitled to make.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

Black folk know this strategy well because it is used against us all the time. A good bit of Morrison's speech was dedicated to that. When I was publishing news outlets on race, people would attack me regularly demanding justification, but whatever I say is never good enough.

Because they don't want me to be valid, the point is making sure I know I am INvalid.

So, don't respond. Don't react.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

You see, they are trying to frame the issue as them having the RIGHT to misgender you. That's their baseline. You reacting to that validates their right to demand proof from you.

But you don't have to.

Because the argument is not "am I a woman who deserves to be called she." That's what they want it to be, but that's not what the argument is.

The argument is "do you respect me as a person?"

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)

So, here's how I think about that.

Am I due the same respect that anyone else is due? As a scientist, as a woman, as a person?

That is the frame.

That is THE ONLY frame that I will engage with. I will not respond to anything they say. I will not talk about changing my name, I will not talk about changing my records, or my hormone levels, or ANYTHING. Because none of that matters. None. All of that is smokescreen.

See, here's the thing, if someone decides to suddenly start calling a woman "he" or a man "she," then they have already decided that person is not due the same respect as anyone else.

That is the frame.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

So, going into this discussion, I have one singular goal: Open the frame of whether I am due the same respect as anyone else.

See, that's a VERY DANGEROUS frame for them, and why they want to avoid it. That's why they go straight into invalidating you. Because once the frame of my humanity is activated, they have two choices: 1) Apologize profusely and admit their own wrong, or 2) Admit that I am not due the same respect as anyone else.

That's it. They cannot win that argument.

They will try to, but every attempt will be to reactivate the frame that you are invalid, because that's an argument they can win. All of society is on their side. Don't activate it.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

And they will try to activate that frame as much as they can. They will say things to placate you, to tell you that they think Trans people are valid, that you should be able to live however you want, all kinds of insipid bullshit.

It's all a lie.

What they are trying to do is say "Gotcha!"

Again, the frame is "Are you due the same level of respect that anyone else is?" That's it. That's the entire discussion. There is NOTHING else to talk about. NOTHING.

Am I due respect? Yes or no?

If yes, then apologize, fix your shit, and don't let it happen again.

If no, then this conversation is over.

THAT IS THE WHOLE DISCUSSION.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

Because here's the thing: Nobody would ever decide to change that person's identity. That person does not randomly go around calling other women "he."

And any suggestion that they are right in making that mistake or that it's "understandable" is wrong. Because they have not made that mistake with ANYONE ELSE.

"It's an understandable mistake? So you are saying I DON'T have a right to the same respect as anyone else?"

Do not leave that frame. That is the only thing you talk about.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

And they want to activate their frame, so there's going to be a lot of "Well it is true that you…" and "Well I do know that you…"

Nope.

You know nothing about me. Nothing. You don't know my history, you don't know my biology, you don't know what my body is shaped like, you don't know what's in my pelvis, you don't know a fucking thing about me.

I don't know what you think, I don't care what you think, because I don't HAVE to care what you think.

Whatever you THINK does not matter because that's not the question. The question is "Are you going to treat me with the same level of respect as you treat anyone else?"

And unless you can name 10 other women you have done whatever background investigation to give you whatever information you claim to have. Unless you can name 10 other women you decided to call "he" before respecting them, then the answer to that question is "no, you are not going to give me the same level of respect as anyone else." and this conversation is over.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

Here's the thing, the second this person decided to call me "he," the why didn't matter, the information didn't matter, the proof didn't matter.

The only thing that mattered is that this person felt entitled to define MY reality and MY existence.

He decided he could say who I am.

As soon as that happened, I was stripped of my humanity. There is nothing else I'm going to talk about. I'm not talking about my childhood or my hormones or my dressing as a man or my vagina or any other fucking thing because not a damn bit of that is any of his fucking business.

The only thing I'm going to talk about is that some fucking old white guy thought it was okay to tell me who I am, and are you going to stay there and tell me we have nothing else to talk about ever? Or are you going to apologize for doing the same thing that generations of old white men have done to generations of my ancestors, and I'm not having it.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

If he gets heated in any way, if he demands his frame be activated, rather than respond to anything, what I will say is this

"Every other women in this office you treat with respect, and you treated me with respect as well for a year. But all it took was the faintest rumor for you to decide you can define who I am.

What that tells me is that EITHER you never had any respect for me in the first place, or that you are a threat to EVERY woman in this office unless we conform to whatever ideals you have about what we should be for you."

#MisgenderingResponse #misgendering

Ytterleggåandes Bloma🌹Mar 9

@FinalGirl The idea of grounds as a sense of reality is something I often think about in regards to politics, although I have used other self made terms. It is a forceful realization how this changes the landscape of the conversation just like you have demonstrated here.

The grounds is an act of normalization. Its like how the term [political neutrality] makes us normalize being apathetic. Or how [pro-life] grounds makes us disempower women.

verified_transgender

@FinalGirl thank you for sharing your thoughts on this

Matilda Love Mar 9

@FinalGirl thank you so much for this, and all the work you do

Gwen the Loitering Fox

@FinalGirl this was an incredible thread. Thank you for writing this down and for all the work you do of spreading information about the black feminists that would be much better known in trans spaces

@FinalGirl This is really powerful, thank you for sharing your thoughts. This is especially helpful for me as an ally with trans folks close to me and as someone who tends to get argumentative easily.

I have a question; answer if it's life-giving, just fav this and move on if you don't have the spoons for it, or whatever.

You mentioned not responding; would the reframe then be something you do "to their face", eg. asking why they're being disrespectful? Or more of a non-verbal, let your actions speak to their disrespect going forward?

Tyla (Combat Waifu Yuri Arc)Mar 8

@joshg That's situation specific. In my case, I went to my manager and explained the situation (to cover my own Black ass) and that I wanted to address it personally and not involve his manager (who's a white dude I can't read) or HR.

Then I sent an email saying basically in that meeting you kept referring to a "he" and I eventually realized that you were referring to me. I don't know why that would be and I very much hope I misheard that.

And that's it. Not what I'm due, not a plea for respect, just "I heard this, and that better not be true."

And I have a weekly meeting with him. So the next meeting I'm gonna say "What was that about?" And if he comes at me with ANYTHING other than an apology, then I'm immediately going to say "Am I due the same level of respect as any other woman in this office, yes or no?"

And I'm not going to engage with anything other than that question. Nothing. The only other thing I will engage with is to ask how many other women has he referred to as a man and what are their names. That's it.

June BlueSpruce Mar 8

@FinalGirl @joshg Sending care and support your way. Thanks for sharing this powerful, incisive clarity. May it cut through the crap you’ve experienced.

@FinalGirl thanks. 💜

:EA DATA. SF:Mar 9

@FinalGirl @joshg

Thank you for the tips on how to have the discussion on your terms, not theirs.

It's a tough needle to thread and this is full of practical advice on how to be heard but still be seen as "professional". You've got a way to frame it so they will be seen as the "squeaky wheel" if they keep at it while still giving them a way to save face if they'll take it.

This is really good stuff.

The Squeakaphelagic Zone Mar 12

@FinalGirl @joshg as someone who fears this kind of confrontation, all this information is very useful. It's helpful to know I actually do have a ground to stand on, and that it is not on me to justify my offense at their social failures.

They'll play cacophony, call it music, and ask you to dance to it.

mx alex tax1a - 2020 (6)Mar 8

@FinalGirl going to try and keep this in mind going forward, thank you

K-ZO da Snowman Mar 8

@atax1a @FinalGirl yup, chiming in to say thanks for sharing your thoughts and the reframe response. Simple, powerful, and protective. Sorry you're having to deal with that bullshit!

Rachel Gustave Lee Mathes Mar 9

@FinalGirl This is such a helpful explainer for intention and framing, thank you so much for this!