Mastodawn

Here's the thing, the second this person decided to call me "he," the why didn't matter, the information didn't matter, the proof didn't matter.

The only thing that mattered is that this person felt entitled to define MY reality and MY existence.

He decided he could say who I am.

As soon as that happened, I was stripped of my humanity. There is nothing else I'm going to talk about. I'm not talking about my childhood or my hormones or my dressing as a man or my vagina or any other fucking thing because not a damn bit of that is any of his fucking business.

The only thing I'm going to talk about is that some fucking old white guy thought it was okay to tell me who I am, and are you going to stay there and tell me we have nothing else to talk about ever? Or are you going to apologize for doing the same thing that generations of old white men have done to generations of my ancestors, and I'm not having it.

And they want to activate their frame, so there's going to be a lot of "Well it is true that you…" and "Well I do know that you…"

Nope.

You know nothing about me. Nothing. You don't know my history, you don't know my biology, you don't know what my body is shaped like, you don't know what's in my pelvis, you don't know a fucking thing about me.

I don't know what you think, I don't care what you think, because I don't HAVE to care what you think.

Whatever you THINK does not matter because that's not the question. The question is "Are you going to treat me with the same level of respect as you treat anyone else?"

And unless you can name 10 other women you have done whatever background investigation to give you whatever information you claim to have. Unless you can name 10 other women you decided to call "he" before respecting them, then the answer to that question is "no, you are not going to give me the same level of respect as anyone else." and this conversation is over.

Because here's the thing: Nobody would ever decide to change that person's identity. That person does not randomly go around calling other women "he."

And any suggestion that they are right in making that mistake or that it's "understandable" is wrong. Because they have not made that mistake with ANYONE ELSE.

"It's an understandable mistake? So you are saying I DON'T have a right to the same respect as anyone else?"

Do not leave that frame. That is the only thing you talk about.

And they will try to activate that frame as much as they can. They will say things to placate you, to tell you that they think Trans people are valid, that you should be able to live however you want, all kinds of insipid bullshit.

It's all a lie.

What they are trying to do is say "Gotcha!"

Again, the frame is "Are you due the same level of respect that anyone else is?" That's it. That's the entire discussion. There is NOTHING else to talk about. NOTHING.

Am I due respect? Yes or no?

If yes, then apologize, fix your shit, and don't let it happen again.

If no, then this conversation is over.

THAT IS THE WHOLE DISCUSSION.

So, going into this discussion, I have one singular goal: Open the frame of whether I am due the same respect as anyone else.

See, that's a VERY DANGEROUS frame for them, and why they want to avoid it. That's why they go straight into invalidating you. Because once the frame of my humanity is activated, they have two choices: 1) Apologize profusely and admit their own wrong, or 2) Admit that I am not due the same respect as anyone else.

That's it. They cannot win that argument.

They will try to, but every attempt will be to reactivate the frame that you are invalid, because that's an argument they can win. All of society is on their side. Don't activate it.

So, here's how I think about that.

Am I due the same respect that anyone else is due? As a scientist, as a woman, as a person?

That is the frame.

That is THE ONLY frame that I will engage with. I will not respond to anything they say. I will not talk about changing my name, I will not talk about changing my records, or my hormone levels, or ANYTHING. Because none of that matters. None. All of that is smokescreen.

See, here's the thing, if someone decides to suddenly start calling a woman "he" or a man "she," then they have already decided that person is not due the same respect as anyone else.

That is the frame.

You see, they are trying to frame the issue as them having the RIGHT to misgender you. That's their baseline. You reacting to that validates their right to demand proof from you.

But you don't have to.

Because the argument is not "am I a woman who deserves to be called she." That's what they want it to be, but that's not what the argument is.

The argument is "do you respect me as a person?"

Black folk know this strategy well because it is used against us all the time. A good bit of Morrison's speech was dedicated to that. When I was publishing news outlets on race, people would attack me regularly demanding justification, but whatever I say is never good enough.

Because they don't want me to be valid, the point is making sure I know I am INvalid.

So, don't respond. Don't react.

Here's a slightly richer take on reacting, something you see in Democratic discourse all the time.

Responding activates their frame.

Here's the thing, if someone says anything about you, and you argue back about whether that thing is true, then you have validated the truth of their argument simply by responding.

The moment this man calls me "he," he activated the frame he wanted activated. From that moment on, any argument with him happens in the framing of "I am assumed to be a man and must prove otherwise."

If I say anything to counter this, then what I am doing is validating the need that it is an argument he was entitled to make.