Miriam's on Medical Leavethe irony of my being antsy and not wanting to lie here in bed is that i would have been fine doing that before i became a gym bunny, but i became a gym bunny to prepare for this.
NO, brain, this is NOT a good time for a sex dream!
omfg best poop of my life
i cannot help but imagine my organs shuffling around getting accustomed to the new layout, like clerical workers moving into a new office.
bladder: okay but where do i file my outgoing?
rectum: im wondering the same thing and why are you in my way?
bladder: ive got such a backlog, hold on. oh, i have a handy tube!
rectum: why dont i get a handy tube?
vagina: hey guys!
rectum: who the fuck are you?
bladder: she's the new girl.
urethra: guys? guys? hello? where the fuck am i?!
just casually said the phrase "my labia" and whoa what the fuck
i get to shower tomorrow.
i want to shower today.
now, in fact.
i want to be in a shower right now instead of tooting.
or lets be honest: in the shower and still tooting, just not the fediverse version. 🍑🎺
the optimized sequence of actions in different rooms that comprise my mornings feels an awful lot like those text-based gender bender slice of life games i used to play.
i went OUTSIDE!!! :D
Dammit @NicolaElle we forgot to take a selfie!
anyway Nikki was here. i promise. i have no photographic proof but i swear she was here.
i miss sleeping on my side
well that was a fun emotional freakout trainwreck
brain: you know what time it is?
me: way too early in the morning of a big day for which i should have a full night's rest?
brain: wut?
me: is it sleep time?
brain: pshaw, no, its time for some shadow work!
me: i took you to therapy specifically so you could do this there and then, not here and now!
brain: so shadow work is when we…
bandages off, first look at the results, and wow so many emotions.
not all of them good. but on balance good. and as the day goes on, the balance tips further towards good.
at first look my initial response was, "yep, that's a vulva" with zero emotional response. which was… worrying.
(she also looks like she just had a fight with a wolverine, which probably didnt help.)
it felt like a lot of effort for results that didnt really tip any scales.
then i got to shower, which was an unalloyed good.
afterwards i looked in the mirror again and still felt nothing.
i reminded myself that nothing was still better than bottom dysphoria, but my bottom dysphoria has always been muted and erratic. it didnt feel like a win.
ive also still got a catheter in, and the packing material is secured with really awkward sutures in the perineum, and these things also dont help.
but then it was time to air dry, so i put on some music and laid down on my terrible hospital bed and sort of let things percolate.
how my legs and hips move is… still provisional, because of catheter and packing sutures, but i can kind of sense the shape of things to come, and that is encouraging.
theres also a ton of stubble, which is kind of tactiley terrible but will pass as hair grows back in. i kind of have to willfully discount how that feels.
and lying there, not looking at the swelling and bruising, i very gently explored with fingers and…
yeah, this will do. she *feels* right, even through the swelling and stubble, even if she doesnt look right (yet?). and i expect that to only get better once the catheter is out and i dont need to navigate around it.
and its at that point that i started smiling.
ive still got a long road ahead, but i can feel now that its gonna be good.
okay the air drying is going to drive me fucking bonkers.
this process alternates between transcendant vistas of self-actualization and soooo much worrying about piss and shit
also i have officially joined the This Fucking Catheter Needs To Fucking Go party train. with any luck, tomorrow morning.
fun new variation:
bit of skin: help, im itchy!
me: hold on, let me very delicately try and find where youre at now…
skin: oh wow i so need a little scratchy-scratch
me: hm. i regret to inform you, hon, that youre on the inside and i havent unlocked that level yet.
skin: but—
me: dont worry, tho, you just need to hold on about six hours.
back in the latter half of the "hurry up and wait" routine this morning.
packing and catheter out soon…ish?
so that was an experiene
guess who managed to, in her first dilation lesson, KICK her dilator WHILE it was inserted?
yeah.
im just naturally talented.
nurse explaining the importance of air drying: basically youre going to be naked as often as possible
me: johanne, i have been training for this moment my whole life.
okay but seriously how do you not just fall asleep during dilation?
gonna have a nap while air drying tho
the stereotypical trans obsession with thigh highs makes more sense now tho.
my toes are so cold
its like my hips have been unlocked all over again, and i can feel how, once things heal up and are less swollen, this is only the beginning.
the way i move is gonna be totally different.
O.O
Kelida@miriamrobern Just wait. The freedom to cross your legs without anything in the way is next level.
@kelidanovus oh gosh ive had that since orchi and its been amazing
Juniper 🏳️⚧️🌲@miriamrobern @kelidanovus I've never felt anything but my thighs in the way when trying to cross my legs, but I keep hearing that it changes post orchi, so I'm really curious about that
Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋 
@eruonna @miriamrobern @kelidanovus I never had a problem with it, either. If anything the pressure kept things in place and made me less aware of it, which was a dysphoria win. I got picked on a lot as a kid for crossing my legs like a girl.
Ryan Elainska@faithisleaping @eruonna @miriamrobern @kelidanovus omg same. I didn’t even get why I was being teased about it for the longest time.
I don't remember ever being teased about it, but I do remember a friends mom telling him not to sit that way
@eruonna I don't know if teased was the right term but my mom and my aunts would tell me to stop sitting like a girl. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't remember hearing anything like that, either, but at some point I became self conscious about "sitting like a girl". One of the very early things I noticed post-hatching was letting myself sit in ways that were comfortable. (Not so much crossing my legs, but sitting with my feet tucked under me and things like that.)
@eruonna I'm currently sitting with both my legs off to one side which is such a girl way to sit. 🥰
Teresa 🏳️⚧️@faithisleaping @eruonna @glassblowerscat @miriamrobern @kelidanovus That is exactly how I started sitting on the couch after my egg cracked. I just started doing it without even realizing it. Like my brain said “yeah you can stop pretending now.”
MayaMayaMaya@AppleFangirl @faithisleaping @eruonna @glassblowerscat @miriamrobern @kelidanovus same here, right away. In my case I never even tried to sit like that before or had anyone comment about it that I can recall.
@AppleFangirl @faithisleaping @eruonna @glassblowerscat @miriamrobern @kelidanovus oh funny follow up, I didn't even notice I was doing it for a week until I was wearing a skirt when I sat down and went, "ohhhh wow now this is niiice".
@itsmaya @faithisleaping @eruonna @glassblowerscat @miriamrobern @kelidanovus It's amazing what happens when you stop trying to pretend. 💜