Mastodawn

I need advice from friendly, but faceless, strangers. Something has become clear to me this holiday visit. Since Mom died, Dad has dealt with it so poorly that I have, in almost every way, lost both parents. He will barely speak to me.

His process, if you can call it that, has been so self-centered that no one else has been given space to grieve, and I’m actually really angry about his behavior. And I don’t want to hear about how everyone grieves differently, because taking your grief out on other people is NOT an appropriate process.

But what would you do? It’d be great if we could talk it out, but we’re northern Minnesota stoics, and that’s not a great option for either of us.

Any ideas out there? Advice?
#advice #grief #fathersandsons #death #parents

EDIT: Big thanks to all for the thoughts and advice. I still don’t know what’s going to happen, but I appreciate all of the input. If nothing else, I thank you for listening to my outpouring of baggage. Thanks, all.

secretsloth Jan 1

@adammoe2022 quite often, (from what I've seen in my family,) men of older generations wee not raised to share emotional labor, which includes things like grieving. Your mom probably did a lot of comforting, and now he doesn't know what to do because the person who took care of him emotionally is gone. He doesn't know how to comfort himself, much less how to comfort others or include them in his grief in a healthy way. It probably wasn't something he ever had to do, and now he has lost his wife.

secretsloth Jan 1

@adammoe2022 I'm not offering this observation as a defense of the behavior, just 🤔 maybe as a way to approach it? By knowing he doesn't have the tools, it might be easier to get him the right kind of help, if he will accept it? I could be totally wrong here, obviously, and whatever is going on, I'm sorry, both for your loss and the situation. I really hope he figures himself out so that you can both start to heal.

Maxilo Overit Jan 1

I'm afraid you're going to have to be the bigger person and confess his behavior has made you super sad, mad, or whatever.

MCDuncanLab Jan 1

No advice, only sympathy, and solidarity.

@adammoe2022 maybe you could send them a letter explaining how you feel but in an empathetic way and a care package or something and give them a bit of space, then at least they won't think of you poorly but have a bit of time to figure out their life without negatively affecting you, idk

Deep Breath; Start Again Jan 1

@adammoe2022
If dad's not open to support, see what you can do for you. Many hospice agencies offer free grief groups, and there may be some online as well. They may be able to give you useful insight on the situation. Please take care of yourself first.

trachelipus Jan 1

@adammoe2022 Is he screwing up his life so badly that professional intervention is needed? If not, give him (and you) some space while still gently, insistently reminding him you could be part of his life if he chooses. Drop him a weekly note reminding him of something you once shared: "Saw a canvas canoe like the ones we used to see on the lake. Miss those days. Don't miss the snapping turtles. Love you." Give him a monthly call to check on his mood and needs.

Madeline Bodin Jan 1

@adammoe2022 I’m so sorry for your loss. Since my mom died, my dad seems to really enjoy talking about all the parts of his life that didn’t include my mom. He talks about her only very briefly. Still too painful, I think. I recommend asking some gentle questions, either about a memory you both share that doesn’t include your mom, or about his childhood, or the job/military/sports topics my dad enjoys. Start anywhere. Search for his comfort zone. Be patient. Best wishes.

Duckbilled Plattypus.Jan 1

@adammoe2022 This is so hard. One sister did the same thing when our mom died. I listened on the phone for almost six hours as she complained bitterly about her miserable life, and ignored my loss completely. Finally I said "I get it. Your life is the worst. You have it harder than anyone else. No one is more miserable than you. Your husband and kids are horrible. No one cares about you. I have listened to you patiently for almost six hours, but, I'm sorry, I can't listen anymore about how you have it the worst because my mom just died, so, when you are ready to hear about someone else's life, you can call me. Not before. I am hanging up now."

She hasn't called in 13 years. I have accepted that, because I believe in agency.

You could write to your Dad and send him condolences for his loss, and tell him you lost your mom, too, and really miss having a dad because you love him.

But be prepared to grieve both losses. People are not always predictable, rational, or able to act in ways that are meaningful to us.

I'm sorry.

RobertJackson Jan 1

Have you told him you love him?

@adammoe2022 won’t talk, can’t help. Options that don’t include talking are, like, using a squirt bottle to try and train him with classical conditioning to do better.

It’s a tough thing. If you decide to limit contact with him, you should probably tell him you’re considering it when asking him to shape up, one last time. A talented family therapist can help navigate this process, if he’ll go.

keeps vis.social running Jan 1

@adammoe2022 I'm just going to acknowledge that having a close family member fail to acknowledge your own grief, or give you space for your grief, is really hard. And for them to take out their grief on others, is miserable to experience.

All I can advise is to protect your grief and yourself. And to acknowledge the grief of your whole family.

If it's possible, maybe mention 'hey, she was my mom and I miss her too'. Maybe. But he might not be able to hear that right now.

keeps vis.social running Jan 1

@adammoe2022 You're in a really tough situation, and it's not fair. I wish I knew how to help you make it better.

I see people have mentioned letters. Maybe that could be helpful, at least for you. If he doesn't come back from that, there isn't must you can do. Sadly.

Maybe mention that you miss him, in the letter, and hope he will come back from this.

My heart is breaking for you. I hope that he comes back to you.

@adammoe2022 There's a self help book called something like "Let Them", which I've been told suggests that it's often pointless to try to understand or change or influence people, and it can be helpful to just step away, let them mess up in their own way, and just focus on your own stuff. I'm finding the idea quite useful, though haven't read the book.

Steven Heywood Jan 1

@adammoe2022
Some people (myself included, I admit) withdraw when faced with adversity and that sounds like what your dad is doing. It isn't intended to hurt anyone else but it does. I was lucky when my mum died as the cricket world cup had just started so I went round and watched each match with my dad. If we talked at all it was about the game, it was a while before he could mention mum, months before he could talk about his grief. And all the while I was angry that everyone expected me to make all the funeral arrangements and help my dad establish his new routines for living and not having my time to grieve. I still haven't properly processed that anger though it isn't directed at my dad but at others (even though we'd split up my ex provided the support my family didn't). Your dad isn't able to give you the support he needs you to provide by just being in contact. You need your space and support to grieve but you need to look elsewhere.

I'm sorry for your loss. Good luck.

Steven Heywood Jan 1

@adammoe2022
If his grief (or anyone else's) involves lashing out at you, back off and leave them to it. Don't retaliate, don't escalate, don't give them the opportunity to stoke up the drama, just quietly remove yourself from them. No words, walk away, hang up, whatever. You're the only you you've got. Your need to process your grief is more important than their need to vent at you.

Yes, *that* dawn person Jan 1

@adammoe2022 @beadsland caution brutal approach (Finnish grounding).

Build or source a short list of (suggest because culturally alignment) Lutheran resources on grieving. Hand it to Dad saying “Your selfish pain is pissing everybody off. Learn how to live through and past this, or nobody’s gonna be there for you. You big asshole.” Handshake/arm touch optional. Turn and walk.