🍹Early to RISA 🧉Anon checks up on a childhood friend
yardratianSomangl, this is partially why I enjoyed deleting facebook in 2012. The ability to just impulsively compare myself to others is far too common on sites like that, so the freedom of not even having to worry about mistakenly glancing too long at an old friends profile is never a concern I have.
B0raxTbh a reminder to get your shit together every once in a while might be beneficial to some
Sometimes it takes a while. Run your own race, not theirs. I didn’t figure out what I wanted to do till I was 30. Before then I was absolutely anon, living in a room with a mattress, a PC and a pile of empty vodka bottles i sold plasma to pay for. Now I’ve got a career, a family, a home.
Dont compare yourself to others. Everyone has their own course to follow and their own struggles to get through.
I feel the same. I don’t have everything I want in life but I heard somewhere, “Some are late bloomers, but everyone, blooms.”
Avoid the trap though. Things won’t just “happen” to make your life better. It takes actions and effort on your part to guide your life in the direction you want it to go.
rockerface🇺🇦I’m 29 and definitely nowhere near ready yet. This gives me hope
Pardon me asking (and feel free to ignore): Isn’t that scary to have a child so late in life? I’m worried about the impact my age will have on my relationship with my kids and I’m roughly a decade younger.
I just don’t see the point in worrying about it. I haven’t been scared since I found out and Idon’t think I will be now that’s it’s about 4 weeks away. I’ve been too busy buying and planning things and then I’ll be too busy changing nappies.
I’m just going to get on with it and not worry about it. The good news is that I’m already waking up in the middle of the night for a pee so I’m somewhat practiced at that.
We were trying, yes.
Also back to your relationship question that I probably didn’t answer. I already know someone in advanced age with a kid and they have a great relationship. I haven’t even considered it. As long as I live a while longer I’m sure I’ll have a healthy relationship. I’m quite a chill person and young at heart and genuinely don’t see that as an issue.
If anything I think it might even be better! I genuinely think it will be beneficial that I’m not trying to grow up at the same time as my kid and can act as a caring and relaxed parent without any additional stress.
inkYes and there are no guarantees anyway, even if you are younger. My dad died when I was 16, he wasn’t old. I had some when young then some when older, it’s different for sure, more resources less energy but certainly better emotional regulation, less easily annoyed does help.
Congratulations!
That doesn’t sound fair to the child?
You’ll be barely up to keep up with them by the time they’re 10 you’ll be 60 and close to retirement. You’ll probably die of old age before they ever get married or to have you around to help them figure out adulthood.
200 years ago people also had kids quite late.
And we live so much longer than even 40 years ago. Life is so much better and safer now.
200 years ago people were having kids t 15-16
And at 40 and 45, since there wasn’t birth control.
I was honestly surprised when I looked at a genealogy site, so many of my ancestresses got married at 28-30, I guess reading Little House on the Prairie when I was a kid made me think all those women of old times married young but nope, that did not seem to be the case.
gandalf_der_12teyou can compare to some people to a good wine, the longer it matures the more taste it develops …
SibshopsI would rather have a family than play fucking games. Wasted my childhood on that shit. it feels like I’m suffocating when I remember those times. He doesn’t seem to enjoy it very much. Neither do I. Nor would any sane person.
No sane person would enjoy playing video games OVER having something more precious, like a family. At some point games just become a waste of time and detrimental to the goal.
You surely can enjoy video games, if it doesn’t stand between you, and your desires. Which in a lot of cases, it does.
That’s just not true. There are a lot of ways to lead a fulfilling life, and having kids is just one of them.
I get it, I have kids and have a satisfying life. I also know people who have kids and regret that decision. It’s not for everyone, and certainly not required for a fulfilling life.
What you consider a fulfilling life is a complex mix of philosophy, religion, and personal value system, and for many people, having children isn’t part of that equation. For some, it’s getting involved in charitable orgs, for others, it’s accomplishing some feat (say, climbing Everest), and for others, it’s raising children.
I can see video games as being one such fulfilling option, but it’s also a fallback when people don’t know what brings them satisfaction or feel like they can’t pursue it for whatever reason. I think it’s important to not disparage people’s choices here, while also suggesting new ways to find satisfaction with life.
I personally love video games, and I love my kids, so I play video games with my kids, or when I have time after other obligations have been satisfied. But I don’t see video games as a pursuit in itself, it’s merely a hobby I do when taking a break of other worthwhile pursuits, which in my case are raising children and bettering myself in line with my religious beliefs.
Doesn’t seem like he’s enjoying his life, though.
More often then not, the friend is putting on a performance. I’m not saying people don’t have happily ever afters, but I am saying that people mostly show the best part of whatever they do.
I don’t feel a need to show off whatever I do, don’t even have a social media account. Apparently I am the strange one because I don’t feel a need to broadcast everything I do to anyone I have met.
Most people, not everyone. Like you, the only social media I have is anonymous. Yet, every friend and coworker has a Facebook filled with happy family pictures and breezy vacation photos. Its definitely a thing.
TrackinDaKrakenMy childhood friend of 20 years was much smarter than I am. He graduated with a college degree and landed a high-paying job, bought a house, got married, all that. He invited me to go on a European vacation that I simply could not afford, that’s when I realized I needed to walk away. It was clear he was heading in a direction I couldn’t follow. Life isn’t like it is in the movies.
I’ll be honest, if I was inviting a friend of a few decades to a vacation I would both check that he could afford it and if not just outright sponsor the whole thing.
🇰 🌀 🇱 🇦 🇳 🇦 🇰 🇮 I also feel like I am still in the character creation menu. I have never developed, like, a solid self-identity due to having BPD; which feels like just constantly changing my character and never hitting the finish button.
CognitiveBehavioralDuctTapeAddressing that is the primary goal of a dialectal behavior therapy values assessment. Did a post about that fairly recently actually.
Finding Yourself Made Easy (lol) - Divisions by zero
### Clarify Your Values and Goals [https://wiki.dbzer0.com/diymentalhealth/dbt-modules-and-core-skills/emotion-regulation/clarify-your-values-and-goals/] Weirdly enough I honestly think the finding who you want to be part is easy, it’s the staying that person that’s difficult (see the Clarify Your Goals bit). Legitimately though this is one of my favorite skills to teach that makes a big difference really quickly. A lot of people who feel super lost / confused about their life or have low self esteem really benefit from a good solid re-framing to put themselves back on track. Oh and I may as well share mine: - be physically comfortable - make the world a safer place - be as benignly WEIRD as possible (please enjoy these animated gifs of the sacred geometries [https://kbin.earth/m/OphanimBagels/t/1922058])
the more different characters you try, the more experience you gain in life, so keep trying.
BurntWitsI’m married with a newborn, to the envy of my friends, who are all either single or in casual relationships. At the same time, I’ve got a shit job with shit pay and no education beyond high school, while all my friends are either working good jobs in their field or working on their masters degree. I’d love more than anything to have a steady job with good pay, even if it was a boring job, but with no education I don’t think that can happen. I’m very jealous of my friends and wish I could have what they have, meanwhile they look at me and say the same.
All that is to say, no one has it perfect, even if you think they’ve got everything you want, I can guarantee they wish they had something different, possibly something you’ve got. Don’t be so hard on yourself, comparing yourself to others.
LongLiveDon’t waste your time on jealousy
Sometimes you’re ahead
Sometimes you’re behind
The race is long, and in the end
It’s only with yourself
[…]
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t
Everybody’s Free (to wear sunscreen), Baz Luhrmann
Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen
The race is long
and in the end is death. don’t race your life to “get ahead”. Take as much time as you desire.
The “Wear Sunscreen’ speech by Mary Schmich:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97:
Wear Sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worry is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind. The kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.”
-Mary Schmich
aaaaaaand now I’m sad because that is my life.
Make steps towards the life you want. I know that sounds big and scary but it’s small things and doesn’t have to (and shouldn’t) be all at once.
Are you allowed a pet where you live? Sometimes all we need is a little affection and responsibility.
I have a rescue cat. She’s the reason why I haven’t offed myself yet. She’s my life
Your cat would want you to be happy. As long as you don’t forget to fill up the food bowl.
As depressed as I get, and as much as I don’t want to do anything, I ALWAYS make sure my girl is looked after. Clean litter, water bowl full and food twice a day
I don’t know you or how you’re feeling, but do you feel like you deserve the same consideration you give your cat when it comes to yourself?
I’ve been depressed so I know there’s a solid chance that answer is no and you probably feel pretty settled about why, but ask yourself if you were judging someone you love (maybe your cat) by the same metric would your answer for them be the same?
Depression is a real rough process, we’re rooting for you.
Positive interpretation:
That means that you still have lots of potential inside you, while your friend already used up all his potential.
That means that you still have lots of potential inside you, while your friend already used up all his potential.
Yeah bro, how you spend your days is how you spend your life.
Clean and decorate your home. Develop a sense of style. Go out and do things and meet people. Challenge yourself to do something interesting every week. Talk to people, get out of your shell.
Sincerely, the first of her childhood friend group to get married
Clean and decorate your home. Develop a sense of style. Go out and do things and meet people. Challenge yourself to do something interesting every week. Talk to people, get out of your shell.
literally every single one of these things are things that i don’t like
- decorating. i love no decoration, no bullshit, bare-bones approach
- style. a way for fashion corporations to sell you a new t-shirt every week
- just do things^TM^. an agenda to make the economy run hot. consume things. visit the zoo. be part of our great imperial society.
- “Challenge yourself to do something interesting every week”. In other words, never just be happy with how things are.
- get out of your shell. finally, the instruction to leave your natural living habitat and, again, contribute to our great imperial society.
Sounds like some defeatist bullshit. Playing games all day is no way to live.
Doing things is a way to be happy. I used to go out every week in my early 20’s, still do but not as constantly now that I’m in my 30’s. I love meeting people, making friends, falling in love, playing and seeing live music, working with my hands as an electrician, renovating my home, taking care of and loving my dog, traveling, exercising, biking. Hell I volunteered and planted trees with my city’s local government just because I was kinda bored the one summer. I’m engaged to the love of my life and my future and career is bright. I do all of this for my own fulfillment and for those that I love, the “contribute to society” stuff sounds like a 13 year old’s idea of the Joker. I don’t even have social media, unless you count lemmy I guess, so it’s not to “show off”
Style is more often than not just grooming yourself and looking presentable. Nobody is saying buy a t shirt every week.
“Never be happy with the situation” is also just a pessimistic viewpoint. If you put yourself in new and interesting situations, then you’ll be surprised how much fun or fulfillment or challenging mentally physically whatever they can be. If you don’t like it, then change it and don’t do it. Or don’t, and sit inside all day. It’s your life.
If you have a hobby… that hobby is legal, it causes no harm to others and it brings you enjoyment… and anyone… ANYONE… puts you down for it, berates you, mocks, makes out your enjoyment is purile, childish… that person is a wanker… plain and simple. They think they everyone else must live their life according to their standards, their idea of fun and anyone who doesn’t conform to their beliefs is a lesser person who deserves to be ridiculed.
There’s only 1 real rule in life.
Don’t be a wanker.
Counter points:
I don’t have a counter point. This is just a matter of opinion.
Buy fancy clothes from a yard sale or something. I like to get old time formal wear because it just looks well put together.
You can go out and do things without spending money. Have a walk in the park, go to the library.
I don’t know why you associate challenging yourself with not being satisfied. I think challenging myself is fun. It has the “put in the work, reap the rewards” kind of structure. I draw as a hobby, so I mostly challenge myself by trying to draw in unfamiliar art styles.
This is just kinda sad. You’re aware that having friends isn’t imperialist, right? Friends are a part of every human culture, imperialist or not. Humans are social creatures, and we are very dependent on social interaction. Talking to others is the main way we compare our thoughts and perception to reality–we get a second opinion.
If you really feel that way, I’m sorry to hear that. It can be really hard to try and function ethically in the modern world, so you have to put in some effort to find ethical ways to do things. I hope you get to a point in your life where you feel good about your situation and your role in the world.
Have a nice day.
What they’re describing sounds like depression imo
thanks for the kind words :)
i’m actually ok with my life overall and i do talk to other people; it’s just that i think that the quality of the interactions matters more than the quantity and so i also stay at home a lot :D