@alice @axnxcamr @actuallyautistic

I have never (not even now) felt "clever"

Other people have said it. They even used that word to deny me things I was interested in and used it to direct me towards more academic interests.

I was a shy, nervous kid with a stammer. Bookish and nerdy. I read A LOT, didn't think anything of that. I thought every body read loads. After all that's why we had a library!

Turns out reading dictionaries and encyclopaedias was seen as a bit "odd" in an 8/9 year old.

My stammer was seen as an embarrassment . My speech therapist enrolled me in the afterschool acting club without my permission.

I felt singled out. The teacher's pet who knew all the answers was also the swot who got beaten up every breaktime.

I became library monitor mainly to avoid the bullies but also to be close to the one authority figure who seemed to "get me".. the Librarian.

I went to Uni. Thought it would stop. Soon My professors were asking me to mentor others. To lead study sessions and help the weaker students with their work.

Then One suggested I join a club he was in. Mensa. I said I didn't think I qualified but he argued otherwise. he gave me a form. I filled it in. I got a form back I paid my fees and went for an exam, then was told I was a member of this club.

I hated everyone and everything associated with it.

I left quicker than I joined.

I may have sailed through school and university academically but it was never plain sailing. Many a times I was nearly swamped by waves of work, or left battered and broken by a storm of bullying and jealousy.

Many a time I nearly sunk. There were even times when I felt like abandoning ship but I sailed on.

I was in my mid 40s. My ship was patched up and creaking. It let in water occasionally and at times I spent more time bailing out than sailing when I got my diagnosis.

When I realised my little ship was a little autistic-schooner and not a neurotypical super yacht I realised that the high expectations set on me by teachers, parents and professors alike were not in my best interests.

I'd never sail round the world unaided but I could happily visit islands of interest and sail around then for weeks at a time exploring every little nook and cranny, every inlet and outcropping until I lost interest and found a new island of interest.

I hate the two letters I and Q in that order. It was even mentioned in my diagnosis report about how my "obviously high intellect gave him coping mechanisms"

No I didn't cope any better... they just blinded observers to my failings. All they could see were my bright highlights.. not the deep dark holes of my needs and issues.