A lot of my experience of #ADHD has been a constant, direct philosophical confrontation with what it means to "try"
When one "tries" to do something, does that necessitate a degree of discomfort? Does "trying" logically imply forcing oneself to suffer to some degree? How much? What is the "normal" amount?
Because I can get myself to do things I need to by accepting a degree of pain. I just don't know how much of that pain is normal, and how much is me torturing myself into fitting a mold.
This is even more confusing when my hyperfocus kicks in and I just do stuff without trying — without forcing myself to suffer. Why should I intentionally inflict pain on myself when there's clear evidence that action without effort is possible?
When my executive function decides to check out, what am I supposed to do? At what point is a task so important that it justifies torturing myself into action? Is that ever justified, or is that just a maladaptive habit?
I feel like this is the root of most of my depression. I constantly feel like I'm not trying hard enough unless I'm suffering — and that my productivity is determined by my pain threshold, which always has room to grow.
But why do anything if I need to torture myself to do it? What's the point? Why not just lay here in bed all day? It's so much easier.
It's not surprising that I spiral into the abyss when my thinking goes in this direction.
I don't just have executive dysfunction, I have *meta* executive dysfunction.
What I mean is when I'm struggling to get myself to do something there's an additional level of stubbornness and refusal to act that comes from the idea that I *shouldn't* be struggling at all. Maybe I could do the thing if I make myself suffer, but why should I make myself suffer? Why is this thing so damn important that I have to slowly kill myself to make it happen?
I don't know how to escape this loop.
Actually, that's incorrect. I do know how to escape the loop: stop trying entirely.
If I can exist in a state of effortless action, then the problem becomes moot. The challenge with that strategy is that by definition, I cannot guarantee what I will or won't accomplish. I do what I do.
It's hard to let go like that.
The "I should be able to..." makes it seem like internalized ableism?
I was raised with very strict and impossible NT-centric and fully abled expectations; I totally understand. Self worth gets wrapped up in trying to meet expectations that are not only not feasible, but are just plain wrong on any level.
🩵 The way we see it. How NTs think about action, effort, performance, productivity, routines... is probably completely inapplicable to us.
And I'm sure it's wrong for NTs too, because there's a lot of ideology (and old philosophy) mixed up with those concepts.
We sometimes try to go back to the drawing board and rethink those ideas from scratch or deconstruct them.
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