This is even more confusing when my hyperfocus kicks in and I just do stuff without trying — without forcing myself to suffer. Why should I intentionally inflict pain on myself when there's clear evidence that action without effort is possible?

When my executive function decides to check out, what am I supposed to do? At what point is a task so important that it justifies torturing myself into action? Is that ever justified, or is that just a maladaptive habit?

I feel like this is the root of most of my depression. I constantly feel like I'm not trying hard enough unless I'm suffering — and that my productivity is determined by my pain threshold, which always has room to grow.

But why do anything if I need to torture myself to do it? What's the point? Why not just lay here in bed all day? It's so much easier.

It's not surprising that I spiral into the abyss when my thinking goes in this direction.

I don't just have executive dysfunction, I have *meta* executive dysfunction.

What I mean is when I'm struggling to get myself to do something there's an additional level of stubbornness and refusal to act that comes from the idea that I *shouldn't* be struggling at all. Maybe I could do the thing if I make myself suffer, but why should I make myself suffer? Why is this thing so damn important that I have to slowly kill myself to make it happen?

I don't know how to escape this loop.

@malcircuit

The "I should be able to..." makes it seem like internalized ableism?