Install Linux!, they said. Wifi works now!, they said
OK after about six combined reboots of both the phone and the Linux machine, and turning on USB debugging and connecting ADB which seems like it shouldn't be relevant but Stack Overflow thought would help and somehow does actually seem to have helped, I have successfully got my phone to USB tether to my linux laptop .Wifi remains purely a hypothetical
@mcc This situation's so bad that there's a XKCD about it: https://xkcd.com/1785/
Wifi

xkcd

@mcc never had issues with wifi personaply

otoh bluetooth *never* worked and trying (accidentally) sometimes crashed the entire os into a recovery mode

so uh... yeah

@norado Bluetooth doesn't really work for me on commercial OSes either tho
@mcc Steam seems to be the only piece of software ever to make bluetooth work even semi-reliably
@mcc Sixty percent of the time, it works every time

@mcc funny how sound and wifi are two things revolving around air waves* and both of them are broken on that OS

(*simplified for the sake of this poop toot)

@mcc have you tried plugging in an ethernet cable? I heard it makes for a great antenna or something about packing traveling better through copper
@mcc depends on the day and color of the usb stick your installing it from. :)
@mcc would you like help, or are you just venting?
@hp I do not currently have need of assistance
@mcc Your hardware and experiences always seem to be deeply cursed despite asking very little from them.
@keen456 This one might have been Sony's fault actually, it's hard to tell
@mcc sometimes i'm afraid that my luck at never having much linux hw problems is somehow balanced by terrible mishaps of everyone else…
@mcc anyways, my apologies if it is indeed so.
@mawhrin I'd just be happy someone is benefiting from my (literal) misfortune