Mastodawn

I temporarily conducted an orchestra for a month while the conductor was ill. When he passed away I said I couldn't take over full time, so the orchestra disbanded.

In May I quit the community orchestra I'd been conducting for nearly two years, causing them to disband too. It was initially because of the few members turning up to rehearsal but now the relief of not having to do it and all the preparation involved, has made me realise I don't particularly like conducting.

Now I've had another orchestra ask if I'll be musical director (for the second time) because the current one wants to retire. This one's big and well established, 70+ members.

I'm going to say no, because while everyone seems to think I'm good at it, I don't enjoy it, especially the amount of work that goes into it when not doing the actual conducting.

Am I becoming the killer of local orchestras by not wanting to do something that I'm apparently pretty good at, but don't enjoy?

Becca Jul 16, 2024

The "No" has been sent. They replied immediately and left it open with a small guilt trip and an "If you change your mind, you really would be perfect..." but hopefully it'll stop them asking again.

@beccabadger 'No, what would be perfect is if I stood on the podium and you all died of dysentry, but that's not going to happen and neither is me coming back. Toodles.'

Becca Jul 16, 2024

@DarkestKale 😆 We're not quite there yet (I don't think the majority of the orchestra know this is happening so I can't blame them really) but I'll keep it in mind.

Becinator Jul 16, 2024

@beccabadger Yeah, any time someone tries to guilt trip me into doing a thing, I will immediately go out of my way to not do the thing

Becca Jul 16, 2024

@artdragon86 Thankfully I'm inclined to think the same.

Machine Lord Zero Jul 16, 2024

@beccabadger "No! I quit! I'm out! I tried to be polite about this, but you're well past tolerable limits! Stop!"

Rebecca Banner Jul 16, 2024

@beccabadger You are responsible only for what you do, not what others expect you to do.
I ran a church music group but had to stop due to health, and it disbanded. I stayed on a lot longer than I should have because I knew that would be the effect my leaving would have. The end result was the same but staying on harmed me more than if I had left earlier.

Becca Jul 16, 2024

@rebeccabanner Thank you. I think they'll honestly be better off without me. The chances of me finding it all too much and leaving anyway a year or two down the line are pretty high, but with the same effect on me as you had.

BashStKid Jul 16, 2024

@beccabadger It is a ton of largely unthanked work, and hard to summon enthusiasm if it drains you.
On the other hand, *if* you can find at least two others to shoulder the admin burden, and give a gimlet stare to whoever is the biggest troublemaker after rehearsals, you’re enabling a terrific thing.

Becca Jul 16, 2024

@BashStKid They do have a committee dealing with the admin side of the orchestra, but even so it's a heck of a lot of work.

I already play in a concert band and help out wherever required for that, on top of running a small business.

I'm going to be saying no, but I have quite a few connections so will offer to help them find somebody else suitable.

@beccabadger Nope.

'Plz do something you don't like so X thing can continue' is bullshit. It's asking you to sacrifice happiness for a community that can clearly just go out and find someone else.

If another conductor doesn't exist, it's time for them to foster new ones.

Becca Jul 16, 2024

@DarkestKale I will be saying no, as much as it pains me as a recovering people pleaser.

You would think finding conductors around here would be easy, being near quite a large town with a well known professional orchestra, but apparently not.

@beccabadger
is it not easy, or have they not reallllly looked because they know you're around?

Becca Jul 16, 2024

@DarkestKale It's highly possible. They've asked me before and I said no then too, I'm trying to make sure I phrase this response as "no, never" rather than "not now, maybe later".

@beccabadger contention: A conductor is to an orchestra what a GM is to a roleplaying group.

Ask Nick how a Forever GM should disengage from an rpg group :)

@beccabadger 'Conducting and playing an instrument are, while they occupy the same space, two different hobbies and I have conclusively proven to myself that I prefer the latter to the former and no longer wish to be a conductor'

Becca Jul 16, 2024

@DarkestKale That's an excellent way of putting it, thank you.

@beccabadger Cheers!

I've written the same post for people over on r/rpg... a lot.

Heh.

Becca Jul 16, 2024

@DarkestKale Yes I imagine that like you say, it's pretty similar! And similarly difficult to get out of once you're in.

Nick!Jul 16, 2024