Suicidal Ideation A 🧵
I’ve suffered suicidal ideation for most of my adult life. It obviously stems from my childhood abuse and was reinvigorated following my motor vehicle accident.
Other examples are episodes of heightened trauma after my Millie was murdered, during my PhD etc.
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#MentalHealthAwareness #ChildhoodAbuse #SexualAbuse #PhysicalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #Trauma #Compassion #Empathy #PersonalStory #MentalHealthMatters #SuicideIdeation #SuicidePrevention
Whilst I would like to say I have been in the passive stage for many years now, the truth is I have constantly had multiple active stages as some close to me are aware of. Although, many of those I have kept hidden.
Often the reason for this is not to further upset others in the same dark place for the fear it may push them over.
Following most of those known episodes I was hospitalised.
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There are many reasons, environments and interactions (often innocuous to witnesses or participants) that can trigger the active state.
(#auspol are well aware of #CostOfLiving #HousingCrisis #Unemployment etc. but refuse to action it like #RaisingTheRate.)
I give much thanks to my medication being supplemented with lithium that has prevented me following through with my plans.
Image description: Photograph of various forms of pharmaceutical lithium tablets.
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In addition my pets provide me with the required grounding to always consider them first.
Sadly, Millie, bottom left mentioned earlier was murdered. Derek my indoor rescue Russian Blue escaped and has been missing for weeks.
However I really want to talk about the passive state. It is an incredible invisible burden I carry every moment, every day. It is unbelievably heavy and painful.
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It is almost beyond belief that people can still be high functioning with it.
For example it is well known that veterinarians and other trauma doctors have a high suicide rate due to compassion fatigue.
It is the reason why I, after losing Millie, transferred to volunteer in the wildlife hospital instead of the domestic hospital. It was just far too triggering.
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When you add to that my other invisible conditions: peripheral vestibular disorder, #cPTSD, arthritis, high anxiety, chronic pain etc. It is indescribable.
The 20 year anniversary of my last pain-free day is in just under a fortnight. Like with the story by Barry Powell about a glass of water - except I can’t put it down and it gets worse.
This post is not however, one to garner sympathy or support from you. Although it would be appreciated.
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This thread is for those who may be suffering in silence, believing that they are fundamentally flawed and alone.
You are not.
Please don’t be embarrassed.
An infinitesimal change in your biochemistry can have huge repercussions. Just a small change in even just one neurotransmitter can cause a significant signalling cascade.
Think of a small pebble on top of a snowy peak, rolling down forming a giant snowball.
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Remember: You are brilliant.
You are worthy of love and reassurance.
Anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives.
Seek help, for it is truly the strong who know they are struggling and ask for help.
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My DMs are always open and judgment free, although being a spoonie I may not always be able to answer them as fast as I’d like.
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If DMing me isn’t going to cut it might I suggest (if in Australia) calling:
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Rape, DV & Abuse 1800 RESPECT
Carers Australia 1800 242 636
Gamblers' Helpline 1800 858 858
Kids' Helpline 1800 55 1800
Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78
Headspace 1800 650 890
Or if really desperate and a last resort Lifeline 13 11 14
Image description: NCIS scene. “Asking wFor Help Theres No Shame In That”
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So, I have just finished a 7-week intensive repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) course.
I now find I no longer feel guilt associated with my regular feelings of suicidal ideation.
Hmm. I am still trying to decide whether that is a good thing.
Anyway, here’s a poem https://allpoetry.com/poem/17865614-Feathers-and-talons-by-David-Wakeham
David Wakeham
Lojie 