Walked into a supermarket for the first time since lowering my dissociation with my body and almost died.

Okay that is an exaggeration, but it was definitely some kind of fucking assault. Holy shit. Did they design these things to overwhelm literally every sense?

YouTube recommended this to me (presumably because I’ve watched hbomberguy before and will now watch anything with ‘autism’ in the title).

Anyway it’s a really good video that has nothing to do with autism, but does highlight the foundation of the anti-vax movement and WOW I had no idea that it was such a shitshow!

https://youtu.be/8BIcAZxFfrc

People erroneously say that autistic people can’t feel empathy, which is fucking staggering when you look at the behaviour of Wakefield et al.

Like, it’s not easy to highlight a real person that is unambiguously evil but that right there is a one. If getting vaccinated did shift your brain to be unlike his, then that alone is reason enough to take every single shot possible.

So something I’ve been thinking about lately is autism as a disability, which I’m sure is a topic with no shortage of controversies and I’m still figuring out where it sits with me and where I sit with it, if that makes sense.

Since I began research I’ve been skimming stuff around the social model of disability and it makes A LOT of sense to me…

If it was normal that to walk in to the supermarket you had to solve a sudoku problem I’d not have any issues, but that would severely reduce the effective ability of many others. That’s the essence of the social model of disability as far as I can tell, that society disables.

But also that doesn’t feel *completely* right, because when I have a tic attack, I do feel like it is disabling me. I can’t do what I want, I can’t exist as myself. The tics (unprompted) disable me.

And I know that autism can be like that for some people (and might even be indirectly like that for me, if it is related to my tics or [other issues I’m not ready to look at rn]), it’s a wiiiiiide spectrum after all.

Realising I am autistic has been so liberating for me, but I know it can also be a struggle for people in ways that aren’t just social (but could be improved with social change!), and balancing those two perspectives is… interesting.

A common tendency among autistic people (and everyone else too, by my observation) is to fall for dichotomous thinking, to categorise things in black and white, right and wrong, correct and incorrect.

At first, through this lens, it seems like autism as a disability, autism as wonderful and flawless, the social model of disability - it seems these things can’t all be right… but I think they are. Stuff is just more nuanced and also, out of my experience and learning so far.

Which is all to say: I am autistic, but I’m not comfortable calling my autism a disability personally. But I fully respect those who consider their own autism to be a disability or disabling.

And I think importantly: I can still see the ableism that effects people with autism, myself included. A lot of it has hurt me and disabled me, more than my autism ever did. I’ll fight that when I can, regardless of whether I consider my own autism a disability. ❤️💪

Was thinking about how any time I anthropomorphise something, there is no going back and I will care about it’s feelings forever (sometimes I worry that the moon gets lonely all far away and that everyone forgets to talk to her, so whenever I see her I always say hi.)

Anyway I checked and yep this kind of thing is common with the tism.

… daydreaming is a kind of stim 🤯

Looks like this notion is a little (tho only a little) controversial and not properly researched, but I have noticed since stimming more frequently in meatspace I’ve been dipping into immersive daydreams MUCH less.

I’m pretty confident it’s true though!

In a few autism (well, AuDHD mostly) tiktoks the mostly clean clothes pile is mentioned like it isn't an everyone thing... that can't be right...

wtf do neurotypical people do with clothes they only wear for a chill couple of hours???? Anywhere but the mostly clean pile would be absurd!

Overheard while visiting family "oh I must be tired, my words won't come."

and I'm like 👀

So since checking in with my senses, I often feel like I did as a kid again. For both good and bad.
A nice warm breeze feels the way it used to, a squashy plush or familiar-feeling carpet gives a genuine sense of comfort, I can actually smell sweet things again sometimes.

But also, food is terrifying again, in a way that I'd forgotten about. A loud truck or motorbike passing on the road outside can make me tense immediately. Some light bulbs are LOUD (to my ears AND eyes)

I think some of the unpleasant stuff is just because it is SO MUCH of a sensation, but also the last time I wasn't so physically dissociated was a pretty traumatic period, so some senses feel triggering. Which... sucks hard tbh.

I dunno, I'm more capable now in a lot of ways. The trauma stuff I can learn to manage, just thought I'd mention that even though I'm so glad to know myself better, it's still tough sometimes.

The dream: "Now I know I'm autistic I can manage my stimulation and avoid burnouts, shutdowns, and meltdowns! Never again!"

The reality: "I'm going to do the same stupid shit as before, but now I'll remember what problems are coming when it's too late to avoid them."

"Exercise is great for dealing with depression!"

I wonder how many people are just unknowingly in the middle of autistic burnout/shutdown and are using exercise as a stim 🤔

New hypothesis: the reason I sometimes can hear my tinnitus and sometimes can’t, is because my tinnitus is a meltdown siren.

Entirely possible that this isn’t how it’s working since I haven’t had time to test it, but wow I want it to be true. Something I can’t ignore saying “Stop, get to bed NOW.” would be a game changer.

Rediscovering my old stims is like finding ancient buried treasure. Something beautiful that had been lost and forgotten.

A little dirty after being covered by layers of "sit still" and "don't fidget", but somehow they clean up good as new.

“Sophie, that’s not a stim.”

Then why does it almost always make me feel better, huh? Checkmate.

Anyway in all seriousness, I decided to skip today and just pass out for some extra time but it wasn’t long before I was recovered enough to do some work.

Of course I did too much again, but that’s not the point of the story okay.

Another thing that bugs me is the idea of a “developmental” condition, when that condition is something that exists for the entirety of a persons life. A slight shift in history and left-handedness would be considered a developmental disorder.

There is also the strong implication of having developed wrong.

Also, it is absurd that we live in a world where every child is taught to share and be kind, but plenty of adults fail to learn these lessons and they aren’t accused of having developmental problems.

You grew up and still haven’t figured out how to be a good person! Come on!

Also I’m not even going to pretend I’ll stop tbh. My scars are cute. My temples look like Swiss cheese it’s adorable. It’s like I get dimples everywhere I pick, plus that sharp warm feeling of knowing you took something gross out of you? Awesome.

I mean, I don’t endorse this. But I literally never smoke or drink or fuck, LET ME HAVE ONE VICE! Thanks.