My current theory is that I was unconsciously stimming my whole life, “oh I always ticced but I was keeping it down” nope that was probably stimming.

But when I started the antidepressants, my guess is they did something to change how I regulate, I had no vent for stimulation in my body and it became tics.

Omg I just remembered one of the biggest stims I did as a kid: chewing/sucking my sleeves and collar. I ruined a few of my school jumpers and would often have damp marks from it. I remember my mum telling me to stop, I guess I did?

I feel really nostalgic about it now somehow.

Took out an old hoodie and look, physical evidence!

Imposter syndrome can choke on a shit!

ngl this stim is still S-tier for me.

though I can't explain why most food is disgusting to me but fabric in my mouth is just fine.

since I brought up a ranking, here is my tier list for stims I've rediscovered, were already doing without realising, or tried out just to see:

S: Bite/suck on thick fabric, Shake fists hard
A: Rattle/roll dice, Flap hands, Music, Rain Sounds, Jumping
B: Spin in circles, Rock side to side, Touch thumbs to fingers
C: Sway, Speed cube (sexy move), Pop-it
D: Alternate snapping fingers as fast as possible, Leg bounce, Tap face/head
F/Hell: Shiver, Blink hard, Scratching, Bite skin

Different stims seem to help with different things, and sometimes I recognise I'm starting to stress and haven't been stimming, so I'll have to cycle a few until I pick one that helps (sometimes hitting ones that make it worse on the way D:). It's much easier when the right one just comes unconsciously.

Also there is no E tier, this is partly due to the nature of stims, but mostly due to me not proof-reading ever.

okay, everyone stop,

you can get bracelets to chew on.

chewelry.

CHEWELRY.

This is a fucking game changer.

Game changer?

Wait…

My autism, and all the resources that can help me… they were… !

Learning that not being good at reaching out to friends but still considering them friends even if you don’t get in touch for years is an autistic thing.

It’s wild how much of my personality can just get filed into this one box.

Also makes me feel bad for allistic people tbh, thinking someone isn’t your friend just because they haven’t spoken to you must really suck.

But also I guess if you’re reaching out to friends all the time maybe it’s not an issue? Seems like one of those cases where some neurotypes work well together but others have a bunch of incompatible kinds of communication.

This is probably also why all the D&D games I’ve run fail, when the party misses a couple of weeks I don’t have it in me to arrange a new session.

tbh I enjoy being a player more anyway, so I guess that’s fine.

btw if you’re looking for someone to join your online group… 🙋

I’m just going to say it: I love my autism.

So glad I got all those vaccinations as a kid.

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(The second line is a joke, though I am glad for that for unrelated reasons!)

Walked into a supermarket for the first time since lowering my dissociation with my body and almost died.

Okay that is an exaggeration, but it was definitely some kind of fucking assault. Holy shit. Did they design these things to overwhelm literally every sense?

YouTube recommended this to me (presumably because I’ve watched hbomberguy before and will now watch anything with ‘autism’ in the title).

Anyway it’s a really good video that has nothing to do with autism, but does highlight the foundation of the anti-vax movement and WOW I had no idea that it was such a shitshow!

https://youtu.be/8BIcAZxFfrc

People erroneously say that autistic people can’t feel empathy, which is fucking staggering when you look at the behaviour of Wakefield et al.

Like, it’s not easy to highlight a real person that is unambiguously evil but that right there is a one. If getting vaccinated did shift your brain to be unlike his, then that alone is reason enough to take every single shot possible.

So something I’ve been thinking about lately is autism as a disability, which I’m sure is a topic with no shortage of controversies and I’m still figuring out where it sits with me and where I sit with it, if that makes sense.

Since I began research I’ve been skimming stuff around the social model of disability and it makes A LOT of sense to me…

If it was normal that to walk in to the supermarket you had to solve a sudoku problem I’d not have any issues, but that would severely reduce the effective ability of many others. That’s the essence of the social model of disability as far as I can tell, that society disables.

But also that doesn’t feel *completely* right, because when I have a tic attack, I do feel like it is disabling me. I can’t do what I want, I can’t exist as myself. The tics (unprompted) disable me.

And I know that autism can be like that for some people (and might even be indirectly like that for me, if it is related to my tics or [other issues I’m not ready to look at rn]), it’s a wiiiiiide spectrum after all.

Realising I am autistic has been so liberating for me, but I know it can also be a struggle for people in ways that aren’t just social (but could be improved with social change!), and balancing those two perspectives is… interesting.

A common tendency among autistic people (and everyone else too, by my observation) is to fall for dichotomous thinking, to categorise things in black and white, right and wrong, correct and incorrect.

At first, through this lens, it seems like autism as a disability, autism as wonderful and flawless, the social model of disability - it seems these things can’t all be right… but I think they are. Stuff is just more nuanced and also, out of my experience and learning so far.

Which is all to say: I am autistic, but I’m not comfortable calling my autism a disability personally. But I fully respect those who consider their own autism to be a disability or disabling.

And I think importantly: I can still see the ableism that effects people with autism, myself included. A lot of it has hurt me and disabled me, more than my autism ever did. I’ll fight that when I can, regardless of whether I consider my own autism a disability. ❤️💪

Was thinking about how any time I anthropomorphise something, there is no going back and I will care about it’s feelings forever (sometimes I worry that the moon gets lonely all far away and that everyone forgets to talk to her, so whenever I see her I always say hi.)

Anyway I checked and yep this kind of thing is common with the tism.

… daydreaming is a kind of stim 🤯

Looks like this notion is a little (tho only a little) controversial and not properly researched, but I have noticed since stimming more frequently in meatspace I’ve been dipping into immersive daydreams MUCH less.

I’m pretty confident it’s true though!

In a few autism (well, AuDHD mostly) tiktoks the mostly clean clothes pile is mentioned like it isn't an everyone thing... that can't be right...

wtf do neurotypical people do with clothes they only wear for a chill couple of hours???? Anywhere but the mostly clean pile would be absurd!

Overheard while visiting family "oh I must be tired, my words won't come."

and I'm like 👀

So since checking in with my senses, I often feel like I did as a kid again. For both good and bad.
A nice warm breeze feels the way it used to, a squashy plush or familiar-feeling carpet gives a genuine sense of comfort, I can actually smell sweet things again sometimes.

But also, food is terrifying again, in a way that I'd forgotten about. A loud truck or motorbike passing on the road outside can make me tense immediately. Some light bulbs are LOUD (to my ears AND eyes)

I think some of the unpleasant stuff is just because it is SO MUCH of a sensation, but also the last time I wasn't so physically dissociated was a pretty traumatic period, so some senses feel triggering. Which... sucks hard tbh.

I dunno, I'm more capable now in a lot of ways. The trauma stuff I can learn to manage, just thought I'd mention that even though I'm so glad to know myself better, it's still tough sometimes.