So since checking in with my senses, I often feel like I did as a kid again. For both good and bad.
A nice warm breeze feels the way it used to, a squashy plush or familiar-feeling carpet gives a genuine sense of comfort, I can actually smell sweet things again sometimes.

But also, food is terrifying again, in a way that I'd forgotten about. A loud truck or motorbike passing on the road outside can make me tense immediately. Some light bulbs are LOUD (to my ears AND eyes)

I think some of the unpleasant stuff is just because it is SO MUCH of a sensation, but also the last time I wasn't so physically dissociated was a pretty traumatic period, so some senses feel triggering. Which... sucks hard tbh.

I dunno, I'm more capable now in a lot of ways. The trauma stuff I can learn to manage, just thought I'd mention that even though I'm so glad to know myself better, it's still tough sometimes.

The dream: "Now I know I'm autistic I can manage my stimulation and avoid burnouts, shutdowns, and meltdowns! Never again!"

The reality: "I'm going to do the same stupid shit as before, but now I'll remember what problems are coming when it's too late to avoid them."

"Exercise is great for dealing with depression!"

I wonder how many people are just unknowingly in the middle of autistic burnout/shutdown and are using exercise as a stim 🤔

New hypothesis: the reason I sometimes can hear my tinnitus and sometimes can’t, is because my tinnitus is a meltdown siren.

Entirely possible that this isn’t how it’s working since I haven’t had time to test it, but wow I want it to be true. Something I can’t ignore saying “Stop, get to bed NOW.” would be a game changer.

Rediscovering my old stims is like finding ancient buried treasure. Something beautiful that had been lost and forgotten.

A little dirty after being covered by layers of "sit still" and "don't fidget", but somehow they clean up good as new.

“Sophie, that’s not a stim.”

Then why does it almost always make me feel better, huh? Checkmate.

Anyway in all seriousness, I decided to skip today and just pass out for some extra time but it wasn’t long before I was recovered enough to do some work.

Of course I did too much again, but that’s not the point of the story okay.

Another thing that bugs me is the idea of a “developmental” condition, when that condition is something that exists for the entirety of a persons life. A slight shift in history and left-handedness would be considered a developmental disorder.

There is also the strong implication of having developed wrong.

Also, it is absurd that we live in a world where every child is taught to share and be kind, but plenty of adults fail to learn these lessons and they aren’t accused of having developmental problems.

You grew up and still haven’t figured out how to be a good person! Come on!

Also I’m not even going to pretend I’ll stop tbh. My scars are cute. My temples look like Swiss cheese it’s adorable. It’s like I get dimples everywhere I pick, plus that sharp warm feeling of knowing you took something gross out of you? Awesome.

I mean, I don’t endorse this. But I literally never smoke or drink or fuck, LET ME HAVE ONE VICE! Thanks.

“Ugh, this screen is way too loud but the volume switch isn’t doing anythi- … ooooooh, *bright*, the screen is bright.”

I feel like I’m not very synesthetic, EXCEPT when it comes to getting overstimulated.

And realistically... yeah, some things that are (considered) neurotypical traits/behaviours are fucking awful, legitimately evil.

But NT folks don't have a monopoly on being a shitty person, take it from someone who knows. If you assume every ND person you meet is going to be kind and honest then sooner or later you are going to get a real shitty surprise.

Anyway, just some thoughts I needed to get out. Partly because there genuinely is an appeal to the idea that a solution to all problems is just avoid X type of person and live happily with only Y people.

But there's no way to slice it where Y doesn't include some true pieces of shit too. You need to be above that whenever you can, for the sake of others and for yourself.

Ooooooooooooh

Autism is the explanation for why people called me “psycho” at school. Honestly that had confused me for literal decades. Whenever I asked people why they said it they just said “because you’re like a psycho”, which is not very useful feedback lol.

Anyway I’m pretty sure it wasn’t ever meant in an especially malicious way, more of a “friends poking at friends” kind of way…

Wait… that is a way, right?

Anyway just to clarify that I recognise people use “psycho” as an insult, I don’t have an issue with psychopathy tbh. for a while when I was so deep in dissociation and apathy I thought it might apply to me.

Most of the things I love can’t love me back either, it’s fine if they don’t care about me so long as they don’t hurt me.

So I thought I’d download an AAC app just to have in case I became super non-verbal and needed it in a pinch, but…

It’s fucking amazing. Just by having it I feel like the pressure to *be* verbal is so much less. This kind of tool is so fucking empowering I wish I knew I could have this sooner!

The more I think about it I don’t understand why I was so hesitant. I use subtitles, handrails, benches, and all kinds of other things that help make the world a little more accessible. I could probably manage without them, but not nearly as well.

Life isn’t supposed to be inherently challenging! So long as I’m not hogging resources that others need more then all this stuff is fine.