So I was going to post about my frustration at myself for masking as soon as I spoke to someone immediately after deciding not to do that, but then I thought about it for a while and I think I only did it to make them comfortable. which is fine so long as it’s not making me uncomfortable.

Then I realised that’s just… what I’ve been doing for a few years now anyway? Weird to think you’ve got shit to figure out but it’s already done.

There’s a pretty overwhelming thought about how I’ve noticed myself mimicking behaviours of autistic people that I’ve seen since so saturating my time with research.

It triggers imposter syndrome where I wonder if I’m not autistic, I just have this habit of copying people’s behaviour and adopting it without thinking.

Then I realise that’s like, autistic.

Which is really awkward when thinking about my identity, I don’t know what behaviour is my own? Most of the new stuff is likely just copied, but also most of the old stuff is too?

I guess that’s true for everyone to some degree though, right? I guess the behaviour that is “mine” is whichever is comfortable for me, regardless of where it comes from?

WRT the “that’s like, autistic.” above,

Specifically that’s a masking trait, one I think I developed to do unconsciously as a defence mechanism. I don’t expect it’s an especially autistic thing, rather that it was inevitable for me being autistic in a certain environment.

(Again, this is *my* autism thread so not everything will be universally applicable.)

It’s fucked up how much that very early shit wired how I approach everything. My very first nightmares were just the sound of him shouting. No monsters, no violence, just a noise that is really loud and scary. Of course I default to trying to be what people want me to be, and mimicking behaviour to fit in, and still have the worry that things will go bad if I make a slight mistake or misunderstanding.

Fuck, what an asshole!

Partially related, I remember at the end of primary school, I showed him my exam results with a bunch of fear.
“What does average mean?”
“It means normal”

I immediately smiled and felt so relieved, my dad said I was normal! Mission accomplished! …but then he continued.

“That’s not good enough.”

Apparently I had to be the best. So for secondary school I managed to get in the top class for every subject and was wound so tight I burned out. Thanks dad.

And now just a toot to change the topic and lose the extra CWs!

Happy stimming! Happy stimming is the best! It’s so fucked up that I held that shit in for so long because it is great to be happy and to feel the happiness in your body!

Random thought about “person first language”, I think it’s fine if the thing you’re talking about can be removed and the person is the same in all ways that matter as a person. Autism isn’t one of those things though.

A person with pizza, long hair, or even big feet is still the same person if those things are taken from them. You can’t remove autism from an autistic person, it’s part of what makes them the person they are.

I will say one of the best things about realising I’m autistic is I can find advice that actually works and experiences I relate to personally rather than hypothetically.

My whole life whenever I’ve sought advice my reaction to it has been “yeah I can see how that makes sense but I think that’s for other people”, and now I know why. Now I get to find things that actually help *me*!

For example, I’m currently in the middle of a shutdown (a thing I now have a word for!) because after weeks of pushing myself on the jigsaws and then autism research, I had a guy in my flat yesterday making loud noises for over an hour to install a fire door.

I’m still in the habit of trying to push myself to work, I want to keep up momentum on my project, but because I know what I’m going through I allowed myself to go much easier even though I took yesterday off.

I’m still a huge mess lol, but now I am actually developing techniques to avoid burnout! It’s so exciting!

I’m exhausted, but excited and optimistic! It’s wild!

What the fuck, not everyone has visual snow????

Are you fucking kidding me?! Whaaaaaaaaat the hell! 🤯

Anyway my first memory of having visual snow is in second year at school when I told my classmates that I could “see the air”.

Anyway this isn’t an explicitly autistic thing, but it’s apparently it’s pretty common among autistic people and I had no idea there were people who just… don’t see it.

I feel like everyone should ask themselves “could I be autistic?” and taking just a little time to research.

It would solve so many problems:
1. Everyone would understand autism better
2. Fewer autistic people spending years thinking something is wrong with them and not knowing why
3. I stop having to fight the urge to personally tell specific people in my life that maybe they should think about it

But also, the realisation that I’m autistic has been SO GOOD for me and such a huge relief, who wouldn’t want that for people they love?

Anyway, what I’m saying is please normalise the idea that everyone should give the possibility some consideration and that it’s okay whatever conclusion they come to (or whether they decide to even say)

Seriously though, that urge to tell specific people. It’s so strong, especially with family. How the fuck do I even deal with that?

Maybe I just… come out as autistic to them and drop some info to explain it… that also happens to list common traits they might notice? Okay no that feels manipulative that’s definitely not it.

btw if you know me, you’re reading this and thinking it’s about you - trust me it isn’t.

But also, everyone should give it some thought so I’m not going to tell you not to consider it.

Okay, right, I mentioned near the start of the thread that I’d have some thoughts on stims vs tics and I think I’ve figured out what they are.

The TL;DR is, I think they are the same thing with different levels of severity.

Which is to say some things I’d call stims, some I’d call tics, but there is an overlap where they are some degree of both. I think both serve the same purpose (in me at least)

The distinction I’ve found other people say is stims are voluntary, tics are involuntary. I think this probably comes from people with one condition not wanting to step on the toes of another, to stay in their lanes. Which is super fair and admirable, I just think these lanes are reeeeeaaaaallly close and they seem to overlap.

What I’d say about this distinction is voluntary/involuntary is a false binary, things are much more interesting than that!

For tics it’s pretty accepted that if you feel them coming you can suppress them (for a time), otherwise they come out without warning. That already is some variable stuff!

I’ve also heard about stims that if you need to stim you’re going to stim one way or another, even if it’s not super apparent, that’s not clearly voluntary either, you can sim by choice or unconsciously.

Anyway now I’ll jump into my personal tics/stims discovery journey:

A little while after starting antidepressants I noticed myself ticcing, it started fairly simple but progressed to a variety of complex tics including vocal tics. tbh, it had me really worried something was scarily wrong with my brain!

After a while though, I realised I’d always done things like this, but I’d just kept it tapped down and private in a way I couldn’t do anymore.

I sort of learned that in *some* cases, I could redirect a tic into something else, so instead of shouting “fuck” in the GP’s waiting room, I could wave my hand are make little mouth pops.

These could take pressure off the urge to tic until I was somewhere I could do it safely.

I realise now I was less redirecting a tic than stimming to manage the stress that was prompting it.

When I started thinking I could be autistic I allowed myself to stim much more, and something I’ve noticed in the time since is that as a result I’m ticcing A LOT less.

I am definitely still ticcing, but I haven’t had my tics exhaust me for a while now, it used to be every day.

My current theory is that I was unconsciously stimming my whole life, “oh I always ticced but I was keeping it down” nope that was probably stimming.

But when I started the antidepressants, my guess is they did something to change how I regulate, I had no vent for stimulation in my body and it became tics.