Anouk | The Anxious CyclistApr 25, 2023

Had a bit of a YouTube and reading articles spree yesterday after talking to my sister the day before. As I have mentioned before, our contact is at a low atm, because I'm very triggering for her right now. She's is in the process of dealing with her trauma and it's heavy for her. Distance is best. But we talked and she mentioned a triggering thing that happened which also triggered me. So I had a day yesterday... 1/

#cptsd #mentalhealthmatters #CPTSDAwareness #childhoodtrauma

Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistApr 25, 2023

This particular video explains it painfully well 👇🏻

https://youtu.be/6IzmEMz3gbA

My sister and I are the first two children my mother had. After us came more, but to connect us to this video: I'm the scapegoat and for a long time my sister was the golden child. She obviously isn't anymore, since she stepped into reality and started calling out the bad. But our childhood looked a lot like this. For me personally it involved all types of abuse besides sexual (thank God) 2/

#cptsd #childhoodtrauma

Surviving The Family Scapegoat Role

YouTube
Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistApr 25, 2023
There is a lot of damage on even more levels. And it's different for us both. Our childhoods were not the same. Our trauma's are not the same, though we do share some, obviously. I've gone through the whole resetting of the mind process years ago, my sister is doing it now. I can only support her 110%. But it sucks, because I miss the bond we had for the last couple of years. I hope it comes back, but the sad thing is I would also completely understand if we turn No Contact. 3/
Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistMay 6, 2023
Well, it happened. My sister cut me out of her life completely. I know I've said I would understand, but I don't. She's doing it in a horrible and mean way. The way she's doing it pretty much confirms what my half-sister and I have been suspecting for ages. As formed golden child, my sister has turned into quite a narcissistic person. She ended contact over WhatsApp and wanted to tell me (as a service to me) that she thinks I am narcissistic and should be my true self.
Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistMay 6, 2023

And because this sister has always been special to me it hurts more. I instantly start questioning myself, which is horrible after everything I did to escape and become okay. Luckily I have good people around me, including my half-sister, her partner, my wife and my best friend, and all of them passionately keep telling me my sister is just projecting. I know that deep within, but man, I don't know how to deal with this.

#CPTSD #mentalhealthmatters #CPTSDAwareness #dysfunctionalfamilies

Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistMay 6, 2023

It feels so unfair. She threw some things in my face that make her feel unsafe around me, she says. In a text message over WhatsApp. No room what so ever to even talk about stuff. I was expecting that in this process. Difficult conversations. I didn't expect her to cut me out without even talking about it.

I think I might be too far along in my process and living too much in reality now. Maybe that's too confronting for her and she's lashing out. I don't know. It hurts.

#CPTSD #mentalhealth

Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistMay 6, 2023
The more I think about it, the more it hurts. Especially her choice of words. She said I should be authentic and have the guts to let people truly know me. That's particularly painful because that's exactly my weak point within my #CPTSD. I struggle a lot with #derealization. The last time I went into a round of #therapy that was exactly how I described my problems:
I often go through life feeling numb, as if life isn't real. Everything is a play or not real.
Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistMay 6, 2023

I don't feel authentic in that regard. My sister knows that. I just don't understand why she would say that.

I'm struggling with not letting my mind go back to my old belief system of being bad to the core. I know she's not, but my mind still goes: "What if she is? She is. You're a narcissist."

Narcissistic families, the gift that keeps on giving.

#CPTSD #mentalhealthmatters #CPTSDAwareness #mentalhealth #anxiety #narcissisticfamilies #dysfunctionalfamilies

Show threadChristopher Miller

@anouk_ver

Sounds like a very difficult situation with no possible short-term solution.

To that effect, make sure you have time for you and whatever activity you find absorbs your mind. Be it cycling, painting, watching films, reading etc..

I'm not saying give up all thought for your sister. But a few hours time out to "reset" your mind rather than nudging you back to your previous mindset seems beneficial.

May 6, 2023 at 9:58amWeb
Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistMay 8, 2023
@C_Miller thanks. It's good that the Giro has started and the women's Vuelta definitely helped yesterday. I do struggle, but it is what it is. It's like she's gone back to this persona of like 12 years ago. We were at a low point and she really hated me back then. I recognise so much of the pain. It's just like back then. I'll get through it, I have good people. Thank goodness..
Show threadChristopher MillerMay 8, 2023

@anouk_ver

Sounds like you're dealing with the impossible situation really well.

Sincere well done to you! I'm sure if most people were in a similar situation, most would not be handling it as well, myself included!

Show threadAnouk | The Anxious CyclistMay 9, 2023
@C_Miller thanks so much. I think so too. I'm handling it pretty well indeed. I'm absolutely devastated, but the way she did it was so next level mean, it does make it easier to accept. If this is who she is now, she's extremely toxic, especially to me. No way I can have that in my life and remain okay. Knowing that helps me now. That and cats. 😉