Another Angry WomanI have been informed that the fediverse is not aware of my reason for having moderate internet fame and a week-long Main Character status, so I'm finally going to break my silence and tell you the story of the time I made bread with my vaginal yeast and the entire internet lost their shit.
Before we begin, I'm just gonna throw it out there and say that actually I maintain that this bread contained zero vaginal yeast because sourdough starters just fucking come to life without any external assistance. Nevertheless, the myth is there. I made sourdough with my vaginal yeast, according to folklore.
So anyway, I had a bit of a yeast infection. Anyone who has had one will probably attest that it makes your vag smell a little bit beery/bready. I joked - "haha you could bake bread with that".
At the time I was in one of those stupid mental health places where you say a thing and immediately want to Do The Thing and so, within about 10 minutes of this, I was fucking stirring a little sample in with a flour/water slurry to make a sourdough starter.
And I tweeted about it, because I was in a phase of tweeting every minor detail of my life. I used the hashtag #cuntsourdough. The initial tweets didn't take off; my followers were simply entertained by my itchy minge and baking projects.
Shit started to kick off when the starter came alive (as sourdough starters do), and I tweeted a photo of it with "It's alive". For whatever reason, nobody cared until it started bubbling.
And hoo boy did it start going viral among the *worst* people on the internet. Misogynists leapt upon it. The discoursers discoursed. And with that visibility, it got picked up in the international news. This shit was being reported on in *Australian* publications. A fucking bowl of sourdough starter.
I gamely tweeted through because I am, after all, a Poster. I am always, and will always be a Poster. So *obviously* I tweeted the finished product too, and the twitter-to-news pipeline enthusiastically lapped that up too.
Lads, it was just bread. It's not like it was bread which had a gigantic human vagina growing out of it. It was two loaves of slightly burned sourdough bread.
During that week or so I had a pretty much permanent home in the Mail's sidebar of shame. And once the bread was baked, they decided, for whatever entirely batshit reason, to run a story that I had been secretly feeding it to people. In Australia, for some reason.
This was obviously not true, especially because I have never been to Australia and I suspect they have some rules about importing food, and food tampering is a crime, so basically they baselessly accused me of several crimes.
This bit of the story is fedi-exclusive content. I haven't told this bit of the story before.
An anarchist mate informed me that [redacted libel law firm] absolutely loves a no-win-no-fee battle with the Mail. I lawyered up, they took it down, and I received a few hundred quid in compensation. I donated it to grassroots trans health organisations.
(If you're ever getting libelled by the Mail, DM me and I'll tell you the firm, I doubt they like it publicly advertised that they do this)
The OG starter died a few months later from neglect, and I wish I could say the story ends there, but it didn't. I have no idea why I did this, but I decided on a second experiment.
Remember, I have maintained that it was basically an ordinary sourdough starter that everyone lost their shit over.
I decided to do a side-by-side comparison of a starter with no vag samples and a starter with a little sample of pussy in it.
The starter with the vaginal sample worked better. It started bubbling faster and made better bread and crumpets.
My best hypothesis is that it still was nothing to do with the yeast, but may be related to the Lactobacillus (a resident in most vaginas) which somehow facilitated the yeast to thrive more.
The second time at the rodeo, the media didn't touch the story with a bargepole, presumably because they all saw what happened to the Mail.
Anyway, I baked a few projects with those starters, including fougasse, crumpets, bread, yeast extract and some really good vegan cupcakes (sourdough starter and bicarbonate of soda is a really good egg replacement, the starter contains flour and is acidic, so the chemical reaction with the bicarb has the exact same effect as self-raising flour and whisked eggs).
I actually didn't buy bread for years after that and baked my own until last year when running the oven on hot for 45 minutes got much more expensive than going to the shops and buying a loaf. Alas, the starter died from neglect once again because I kind of forgot about it. It ate its way through the bottom of the jar it was in during its death throes.
(the jar is now a little terrarium with a baby fern living in it)
I've spent quite a lot of the last few years moving away from my brand as The Bread Lady, but it wasn't all bad. I did, after all, get redistribute a small amount of the Mail's money to trans health. I also befriended a nice scientist who had attempted to make yoghurt with her vaginal Lactobacillus and the internet had similarly lost its shit.
Many of the news stories are still up, because the right to be forgotten doesn't seem to apply to vagina bread. They all link to this post on my blog. And I'll end the story here, if you'd like to take a look... https://anotherangrywoman.com/2015/11/23/im-making-sourdough-with-my-vaginal-yeast/
Incredibly, that story *isn't* why my vagina is mentioned in Hansard. Yes, my vagina is mentioned in Hansard. But that's another story for another day...
If you enjoyed this story, go and follow @vagina_museum for loads of interesting vagina stories!
Dear god I am once again inundated with the "do beer" men, it's always "do beer" men, I'd forgotten about the "do beer" men.
Wild yeasts are inherently unpredictable in converting sugars to alcohol, which makes them largely unsuitable for brewing, and particularly unsuitable for brewing beer, which calls for yeasts with tolerances in specific parameters. If you've ever brewed a beer with the wrong yeast, you'll know just how bad it comes up. This is basic brewing shit, lads.
Mirah Image 
🍉@stavvers and this is why open ferment sour beers are some sort of miracle
Kenny Kravitz@stavvers I remember that blowing up and thinking how bold it was for all those men to announce to the world that they've never gone down on a woman.
DJ Dr. Maitxinha
Dreamwinder@maitxinha @stavvers I’ve always thought that was a “thou protests too much” situation.
I mean, they’re closeted about so many other things.
David Emmett@stavvers Lambics are genuinely remarkable. The fact there is this one valley in Belgium with a specific strain of wild yeast that makes fantastic beer is just amazing.
Steven Bodzin@stavvers the Incans routinely made a mildly fermented drink out of corn. Chicha. It's said that they did it with saliva (chewing some corn and spitting it into the mash) but this makes me wonder if we are hearing a bowdlerized version of things
L'égrégore André ꕭꕬ@stavvers I'm sorry for knowing this, but there was a bunch of pua dudes who attempted this s couple of years ago with samples they'd bought from a porn performer they had s hangup on.
4bz@stavvers what are "do beer" men?
Major Denis Bloodnok@4bz @stavvers Men who suggest trying brewing beer. Which, frankly, was the first thought that came to my mind, except that stavvers documents why it's unlikely to work.
I've read of it being done but I think the special yeast was only used in quite small quantities. "Made in a factory where muffs are handled".
George W Harris@stavvers Rogue Brewing in Oregon once brewed a beer using yeast harvested from the brewmaster's beard. I've never had it.
Chris [list of emoji]I just want to say that I love this story.
Charles ☭ is now tooting from queer.partyI feel like I mentioned this at the time, but a form of medieval magic was kneading bread with one's bum, which would cause the eater of said bread to fall in love with the kneader.
Please forgive me for posting this to you twice. It's my favourite medieval food fact and it's so rarely socially acceptable to mention it.
funambuline 🦏🌻@stavvers you are a legend. ❤️
I remember as soon as I saw your story, and the men's internet lose it's shit, it made me want to try. (But I didn't know how to bake sourdough at the time.)
I remember as soon as I saw your story, and the men's internet lose it's shit, it made me want to try. (But I didn't know how to bake sourdough at the time.)
Feòrag@stavvers Lambic. But the Lambic brewers do go to extremes to make sure the wild yeasts hanging around their breweries never change.
Anders von Hadern 🐦🔥@stavvers It seems the "do beer" peers are more the drinking beer ones. Better listen to the "brew beer" peers ...
iwein@stavvers you could redirect those "do beer" men here: https://denboschproeven.nl/kutbier/
That's a pretty decent beer on the theme. Originally designed by "Gebrouwen door vrouwen" (Brewn by Women) now produced by Boegbeeld.
And thanks for sharing the great story!
Anton Piatek@stavvers Thanks, I hadn't thought about the specifics of brewing yeast vs bread yeast. I struggle to feed sourdough and get it alive enough for bread, so I've no capacity to start brewing anything, but good to know all the same.
Dom_Sathanas@stavvers I *did* enjoy this story, thank you!
TheSecondVariation
Shinydan@stavvers obviously it's still a vegan cupcake if the animal you got the starter from - you - can give consent. I'm not saying it isn't, but I am saying it's philosophically interesting.
Steve Gisselbrecht
hamato
Joris Meys
phaedral
internetsdairy@stavvers Lords or Commons?
@internetsdairy Commons, and it was Nadine Dorries
@stavvers Hm, I can't find it which makes me wonder what euphemism she used and whether she was censured for unparliamentary language.
@internetsdairy it was quite veiled, but definitely referring to me and my minge - the tl;dr is I organised a letter-writing campaign when she was trying to cut the abortion limit, where everyone sent her graphic letters about their uteruses and vaginas lmao
@stavvers Well I hope she enjoyed reading them and got some new vocabulary for her books.
The Secretbatcave@stavvers you’ve proven (pun intended) that it’s possible with bread, so it’s not implausible that it can be done with beer.
The reason why I say this because if it is possible, then the prospect of vagemite ia within grasp.
@secretbatcave I did try vagemite - it was all right, but really tedious to incubate.
@stavvers I salute your dedication to science
Cheryl Morgan@stavvers my vagina has only made it as far as The Guardian. Clearly I need to up my game.
@CherylMorgan Congrats on the newsworthy minge though!
@stavvers it makes a good story for trans awareness training
Cassandra@stavvers I look forward to that day.
Dewi Ioan@stavvers I believe this is your Hansard entry (because I was interested)?
https://hansard.parliament.uk//commons/2011-09-07/debates/11090754000002/HealthAndSocialCare(Re-Committed)Bill#contribution-11090754000231
https://hansard.parliament.uk//commons/2011-09-07/debates/11090754000002/HealthAndSocialCare(Re-Committed)Bill#contribution-11090754000231
Ame the Squirrel 
@stavvers This whole story is amazing, thank you for sharing
NileYou left out the worst part of all: @scattermoon perpetrating the worst pun ever, when she confronted the Sourduff Bread Denialists with:
"We have always been at war with yeast erasure"
She is a national treasure.
Tirial@stavvers I adore this entire thread. However, I am sad you can't afford to run your oven to bake anymore though. ☹️
Walrus 🏴It's rare to find a post this old that is so great. Not just for the number of laugh-out-louds, but there's a pun that Eric Blair would have loved.
You seem to have made it stop raining, too. 😎
Angela Glansbury 🚽@stavvers
If you kill your starter does that make you a cereal killer?
If you kill your starter does that make you a cereal killer?
@stavvers
overdid the knives yesterday and this is the best I can manage
overdid the knives yesterday and this is the best I can manage
Bitnik@floppyplopper
Letting your vaginal yeast starter die from neglect: that's a smidge away from being a death penalty felony in South Carolina.
@stavvers
Letting your vaginal yeast starter die from neglect: that's a smidge away from being a death penalty felony in South Carolina.
@stavvers
@stavvers wait, what?!? I have a dormant starter sitting in a glass jar in my fridge, but I kind of doubt there's much risk of it eating through that. I revive it whenever I'm in the mood to bake bread