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One of the things that I love about #mastodon is that #ContentWarnings are present on almost every post.
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I have found myself spending less and less time on the /r/trans and related subreddits, as I know that without a lot of surgical work I will never "pass," which most days, I am ok with.
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I have made peace with the fact that because I grew up in an uber conservative and Catholic home, my #trans identity was buried super deeply. 1/?
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So deeply, in fact, that there are a lot of parts of my childhood that I only remember bits and pieces of my formative years. There are stretches of my life that I have to take other peoples' word on what happened, because I have close to zero recollection of what it was actually like.
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This is one of the many things that led to me being in my early 30s before I cracked my egg and started to transition.
2/?
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Growing up how I did was not the only reason that it took me so long, but it was an influential one, and one of the more potent ones.
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What this has led to is my coming to a point of acceptance that I am always going to be #VisiblyTrans, unless I get a lot of surgery done that I don't necessarily want (despite what my dysphoria tells me at times).
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However, when I spend time on r/trans, I get all sorts of fucked up about it.
3/?
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I am happy for all of these people who are living their best lives, but there are a lot of people that are in their late teens/early 20s, have been on #HRT for 6 months or less, and are feeling like they do not look like their gender...and if they didn't say so, you wouldn't know.
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This is not to throw shade on their pain, but for those of us who have claimed our identity of #Tranny and come to a place where we know that...
4/?
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...(even when we have a full face of makeup, talk in a "feminine," tone, dress in a traditionally "feminine," way, and act demure and femme) we will be #misgendered, #deadnamed, and "Sirred," even after (in my case) almost 3 years on HRT.
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It is super #dysphoria inducing and makes me (at least) feel like there isn't really a point, because if that is how they feel looking like they do after 6 months and 10-20 years younger...
5/?
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...then do I have any chance of getting to a point where I can safely go to certain places without having to deal with transphobia and/or violence?
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Or, even going out to dinner without someone stopping me and thanking me for being so strong/brave whatever, or that they know someone like me?
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Is that ever going to be a possibility?
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99% of the time, I am fine with being an older TRA (to use the TERF's name for me)...
6/?
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...who will never pass, will always have to deal with people who have never known me as identifying as a man misgendering me, getting hate messages and daggers sent across the room at me for simply existing, and people that will not want me near their children because of who I am and their mistaken belief that I am dangerous and a predator.
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Who is fine with being an activist who fights so that these same 17-25 year olds...
7/?
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...can have it a little better, and maybe can be a little safer. I am fine...most of the time...with being the battering ram and the person (at least locally) that people know they can come to and send young trans folks to for help and resources. I have assumed that mantle, and because of my decades of activism in all sorts of arenas, I have the experience and connections to connect people.
8/?
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The other 1% of the time, I wonder what's the point of me even trying.
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I have to constantly assert myself to make my identity be respected, had to go #NoContact with all of my siblings and my mother (at least for the moment) to protect my sanity, and wonder if the cis people in my life who treat me in a positive way do so because they truly accept me as a woman, or if they simply want to avoid being cut-off.
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Musings over.
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🧷💜Raven✨of🏴Justice•{🚫⚖️🚫🏳️}
Faith 
