Marichit
Because of the many informative and interesting posts here, I realized that I have been doing a lot of #masking all my life. (This also explains my sister's observation that I have a "work laugh".) It has been giving me so much strain and stress especially in my adult life. It has contributed to my constant fatigue especially pre-pandemic when work always had to be face-to-face and on-site. I do it even with relatives.
#neurodivergent
Nov 23, 2022 at 3:03amWeb
Show threaddispatchrabbiNov 23, 2022
@thewildforest One of the more insidious things about masking is that often the person masking is masked even to themself. Even after knowing about it and understanding what my mask looks like, I sometimes don’t realize (and couldn’t tell you) when it’s on (or, weirdly, even when it’s off). #ADHD
Show threadMarichitNov 23, 2022
@dispatchrabbi I see what you mean. I actually convince myself I am being myself in some situations when actually I am not. The "mask" aspects are so intertwined with who and what I am. Or I believe the "mask" is an aspect that's really me trying to get out - this happens when I see how receptive people are to it.
Show threaddispatchrabbiNov 23, 2022

@thewildforest Not to muddy the waters more, but I think my masked self is a facet of my whole self - I made it, after all. But at the same time, it is only a facet, and not the whole.

I have no problem having Work Mode (etc.) as a mode I can operate in - it’s like code switching for my outward persona! - but I want to be doing it intentionally, or at least to be able to notice.

I will say, when you find someone you don’t have to mask for, though, it’s like surfacing from a long swim. #ADHD

Show threadMarichitNov 23, 2022
@dispatchrabbi I'd love to experience that surfacing from a long swim! 🥰 Right now I am managing to keep the masks at least attuned more to how I really am so while the fatigue is still there, it is less debilitating. Doing so has also enabled me to find people who I can relate with better versus before that I really have to be something else entirely. (There was even a point that I felt like an alien to myself.)
Show threaddispatchrabbiNov 23, 2022
@thewildforest Makes sense. It might be a struggle but you’ll be poking your head above water before too long!
Show threadTakNov 23, 2022

@dispatchrabbi @thewildforest This may be autism and/or theatre background talking, but a lot of theories about acting and public speaking is about presenting an authentic version of yourself. It’s not lying, but trying to convey a truth in a specific way.

Not to negate the problems of masking, since it’s still a concerted effort that takes its toll on the mind and body. But I do struggle with the idea of unmasking, but still presenting myself in a way that other people will understand.

Show threadMarichitNov 23, 2022
@TakaranGolem @dispatchrabbi yes the struggle is real 😩
Show threaddispatchrabbiNov 23, 2022
@TakaranGolem I think the theatre background serves you well here. This makes a lot of sense to me as a model, and maybe also a mechanism to transmute the mask someone has made out of reaction and necessity into one that’s more intentionally created and deliberately deployed. From a defense mechanism to a tool.