"You don't want to get married because you fear responsibility."
Responsibility is a good thing to fear. If you're not ready for responsibility, blundering into it will not make you responsible. Better to take responsibilities you ARE ready for. Like your career or your cause.
"You're not taking marriage seriously."
I do take it seriously. That's why I am content to wait till I find someone worthy of spending the rest of my life with. I wish people would take marriage seriously and stop marrying for sex, stability, or because their parents want it.
"You are starving. Get a wife."
I can hire a cook. Who the fuck marries for food!
"You will regret not having someone to talk to when you're old."
First, I like being by myself. Second, I have a really close circle of friends. Third, I have a social life full of like-minded people and allies. Lastly, marriage is not a retirement policy.
"There are... Heh heh... Other things only a wife can give you."
Never marry for sex. You can get sex elsewhere. Perhaps among like-minded folks. But heck, even paying for sex is better than marrying for sex. Marrying for sex is disgusting.
"Think about your parents. Who will take care of them?"
I will. Besides, I have already mentioned it's stupid to marry simply because you need a maid.
"You need children to take care of you when you get old."
Kids are not a retirement policy. And a large part of our culture of abuse stems from this particular set of expectations - children as vessels for parents to put their expectations in.
"You will regret this when you're old."
Most people will regret something. I might regret not marrying or having kids. But some others might regret not following their dreams when they're old. Everyone will have regrets. Everyone has to choose what those regrets will be.
To end, marriage and children are just two of many things in life that you can do. It's not something you have to do. And it's definitely not a magic pill that will solve all the problems in your life. It might actually make matters worse. It often does.
We need to stop being superstitious about the alleged magical powers of marriage. Marriage isn't evil. But it's not something that necessarily makes your life better. It's an option, like everything else.
@vimoh Have had all this discussion and more. Luckily have a elder sister who has kid. So my standard dialogue is look one of us has got married, plus she has a kid. So my parents are good with that.
Parents are OK but it's all the relatives and neighbors who is rushing them.
Another one is get married so we can come and have sadhya.
@bumbleebee Nothing pisses me more than the set of absurdly low expectations our society has for boys and men. Nobody expects us to be able to do better. "They can't help raping, they can't help being useless.".
I find it insulting.
@[email protected] particularly, to the extent that marriage is a set of self-enforced and community-enfored *restrictions*, marriage has the possibility to make things enormously worse
some people/communities believe that if you have a spouse, they should be your first (and only?) source for various kinds of support
ideas like "emotional infidelity", which as far as I can figure out means "confiding in, and seeking emotional support from, someone outside the boundaries of marriage."
self-imposed (mutually-imposed?) restrictions can be very empowering and beautiful, but the idea that everyone should take vows of marriage… what if we thought that about vows of silence?
@vimoh I can’t count the number of times my mom has told me this! I just tell her I don’t want the responsibility of bringing up a child in this shit world and I have other interests I’d rather pursue than running around a baby.
It took her only 20 years to stop telling me to have children at every conversation. 🙄
It's also about the form of family we have and valourise. Have felt for long that there's not enough effort to understand and critique the family in India, and even less to change, or even better, smash it
@vimoh
Well, u shock me.
No parent raises their children as an insurance policy against old age. It is just pure love and affection. I don't know how anyone can miss that. Observing even animals makes it plain.
Parents do have the right to be taken care of in old ages. It is.not a favor.kids do. And being taken.care.of does not mean just financially. Living together and putting up to.their tantrums is a.give back time for the kids.
@vimoh
U r right, i did not read the thread bcz cd not find it earlier. Looks like It is visible only when someone responds to me n not the first time I get a toot. 2nd time i m embarrassed.
Anyway, u hv methodically addressed lot of Likely concerns.
However I still do.not agree that parents consider their children vessels for realizing their expectations. They don't use them, is all I am trying to say
We should start giving example of our gray prime minister if required.
Example: how to become a fascist dictator? :)
@kushal @Shudraism The most useful purpose he has served for me is as an answer to "What is podcasting?"
I just have to reply with "You know _Mann Kii Baat_? Just like that."
@vimoh yes I agree. It has been very easy explaining a lot of things to a lot of people since 2014.
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