Mikayla HI have one regret in life: staying in the closet for 18 years. My teens and twenties were a shadow of what they could have been. Give others the passive and active support and acceptance I didn't have.
It's easy to blame myself for not being strong enough, and I do. It's not fair, but there isn't any other individual I can hold responsible.
Hiding and suppressing your feelings for years strongly internalizes a lot of inhibitions. I may look like I'm doing okay, but I still can't talk about things like this unless I'm in a safe space or pretty damn drunk.
BJ Scott@mhutch I can relate, I have trouble talking to my Dad about anything emotional, I get half way through and start tearing up.
Anaïs Betts@mhutch I'm spending a lot of time unlearning things too, and unlearning the dysphoria / body hatred that I've just taken as "default" for so long
@mhutch I wasn't even the closet, I had the kind of dysphoria that doesn't tell you why, you're just miserable, and it's like a fucking Lost episode where in the end you're like "EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW"
@anaisbetts ugghh I'm sorry.
@anaisbetts I don't think any dysphoria is straightforward. For years I was "well i'm definitely trans-ish but the picture I see from the media doesn't quite fit so I just gotta deal"
@anaisbetts I'm darn close to textbook and I still struggled with identifying with the media version 😐
@anaisbetts also the whole coming in waves thing? Like I realized it was an issue but thought I could deal, repressed, it came back worse, rinse and repeat half a dozen times.
@mhutch same, it got to the point where I started avoiding mirrors because they'd upset me, the last 5+ years I actively avoided photos of myself
@anaisbetts hah yeah being able to use mirrors and photos is so affirming and yet so bittersweet
@anaisbetts I'm glad it wasn't/isn't as bad as some people have it but also fuck society for making it so hard
@mhutch I just wish it didn't take so damn long, being between genders is awkward in so many ways, like, I just want to throw a switch one day and have everything be done. Instead I just look like someone who needs a damn haircut rn
@anaisbetts it's totally worth it though! I still get a bunch of mild dysphoria but the average is way less. And every few days I see a particularly good reflection and get a spike of elation that I pushed through and I'm really myself at last.
@anaisbetts I literally think "holy shit I'm really a girl" multiple times a week
@mhutch I am so fucking excited for the day that this happens to me
@mhutch in a year or two my Instagram feed is gonna be all gratuitous selfies and I will regret NONE of it
@mhutch same, I read this memoir called "Yes, You Are Trans Enough" by Mia Violet and after the 100th highlight describing exactly how I feel, I was pretty convinced. I can't recommend that book enough
@anaisbetts I wish that existed 15 years ago 😐 The principle is 💯 but I've only heard it expressed for a few years
@anaisbetts so many of us could have figured things out sooner with more acceptance and information
@mhutch don't be! Be happy that I finally figured it the fuck out
@anaisbetts yup I'm happy for you!
@anaisbetts still struggling with feelings there myself, I'm glad didn't take longer, sad I took as long as I did
𓂧𓅓𓇌@mhutch it’s so incredibly hard, something i definitely still struggle with