Been in a Twyla Boogeyman mood lately, so here's more hypnoart of her.

#hypnoart #agedup #monsterhigh #twylaboogeyman #twyla #hypnoartist #hypnosiskink #hypnokink #krita #hypnosis #cute #sexy #krita #myart #digitalart #digitalpainting

Aged up Monster High hypno-yuri, a gift no AI can give you. In this case, it's Twyla and Howleen.

#monsterhigh #howleen #howleenwolf #twyla #twylaboogeyman #hypnosis #agedup #hypnoart #hypnoartist #hypnosiskink #yuri #hypnotized #cute #sexy #monstergirl #ghoul #werewolf #krita #myart #art

NY NOW – Featuring Twyla Dill Fine Jewelry – Gem Gossip – Jewelry Blog

#Featuring #Twyla #Dill #Fine #Jewelry #Gem #Gossip #Jewelry #Blog Twyla Dill Fine Jewelry turns handmade lace into real gold! Designer and creator Twyla’s life was completely changed the day she learned how to crochet. She learned after moving to Turkey and was taught by a friend’s mother. She uses a very small crochet hook – it is only 0.55mm! She then creates a design using cotton and casts it…

https://pussygaloresemporium.com/ny-now-featuring-twyla-dill-fine-jewelry-gem-gossip-jewelry-blog/

Scene 140: Anxiety Barriers
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Mom (Me): Good morning Twyla. Back at it again?

Twyla (The Parent): Hello Daphne. If by “it” you mean reviewing memories, then yes.

Mom: What about you, Aura? I haven’t seen the two of you hanging out much.

Aura (The Professional): Hello Mother. No time like the present, as they say.

Mom (content): I’m happy to see the two of you together.

Twyla: I like having her around… I can see how much of her is still there in me.

Aura: Our career was still a fairly important aspect of our life back then.

Mom: It’s still pretty important today, if I’m honest. I need to support my family, and our career is what allows me to do that.

(I pause to take in the scene: The three of us are watching a slightly younger version of me sitting at my desk, staring blankly at a computer.)

Mom (curious): This is a recent one… After my transition. Which memory is this?

Twyla: You just got some unfortunate news at work.

Mom: So this is after I started working from home full time.

Twyla: Yes, though it sounds like you were doing more home than work.

Aura: You were just informed that your productivity has been unacceptably low, so you’re being assigned a performance improvement plan.

Twyla: “You’ve got a month to shape up or we’ll fire you,” basically.

Mom (reserved): I remember… It was nearly a year into my transition, more or less. I was struggling a lot with motivation; software engineering just didn’t feel appealing anymore and I was frustrated with how ill-suited to my work I felt.

Aura: And yet, I know we didn’t change careers…

Mom: No, I managed to pull it together and save my job. I remember being astonished by that; knowing that I would be fired if I couldn’t work, but still managing to sidestep my anxiety and get my work done.

Twyla (surprised): How? I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have done that. Anxiety over losing my job would have completely paralyzed me.

Mom: That was a skill that my transition unlocked. If I was just trying to save my job I don’t think I could have done it, but I was working to provide for my family.

Twyla (annoyed): I was working to provide for my family too, how is what you’re describing any different?

Mom (thoughtful): How do I explain… Family was important to both of us, but I think you experienced that as an intellectual fact. It wasn’t really part of your emotional landscape.

Twyla (dismissive): We’ve long established that transition opened you up emotionally.

Mom: Right, but rather than simply thinking I wanted a family, I felt it deep within me. It felt like my family was a part of me somehow. Because of that, even when I couldn’t find motivation for myself, I could motivate myself for them. It was like finding a separate fuel source for my brain.

Aura (astonished): That’s incredible.

Mom: It’s kind of ironic, honestly. Transition is what caused my focus to drift enough to be a problem at work in the first place.

Aura: I’ve reviewed these memories before… After this month you said that if you’d been placed on a performance improvement plan a season earlier you wouldn’t have survived it.

Mom: Yes, and I believe that too. It was remarkable, discovering the new talents my brain had developed… Or rather, unlocking talents that had been there all along.

Twyla: All’s well that ends well, I suppose.

Mom (disappointed): Not exactly. I got through the month with my job intact, but that outcome still came at a cost.

Twyla: What do you mean?

Mom: Everything else in my life got pushed to the back burner in order to focus enough to perform at work. It was enough to succeed at my job, but at the cost of literally every other pursuit.

Aura (critical): You would have been fired without that focus.

Mom (frustrated): Of course, but I had a lot of other things going on, you know? We were trying to buy a house at the time; something you can’t do without a stable income—that alone delivered another truckload of stress. Besides, I had creative goals I was striving towards. I had transition goals that I had to put on hold. Everything else in my life just fell away for a month.

Twyla (pensive): Still… I would have given anything for that kind of focus. I agree that focusing on your work isn’t something I could have done. I’m pretty sure I would have been paralyzed with anxiety for most of the month and then quit before the end of it so I wouldn’t be fired.

Aura: Kay was stuck in that headspace for two semesters back in college; it’s why she was nearly expelled. I didn’t face anything quite so dire, but I remember losing entire days of productivity because something happened to upset me in the morning. I just couldn’t focus at all afterwards.

Mom: I agree that being able to focus on one thing is better than zero things, but it’s still incredibly frustrating, you know? I feel like that’s something we’ve always struggled with; something happens to conquer our attention or our stress level gets too high and things just start falling away from our life.

Aura (pointed): Or you push them away in order to “make room” for the thing that’s bothering you.

Mom (apologetic): I have done that, haven’t I? I did that to you, Aura.

Aura: For a long time, yes… Though we’ve thoroughly talked it through at this point. I’m grateful to be accepted as part of the family now.

Twyla: But you’re still doing it, aren’t you Daphne? Even if you’re not actively pushing parts of yourself away, you still end up putting them on hold in order to make space for other things.

Mom (upset): I do… I do that a lot. There’s something I feel like I have to do and I get fixated on it. I can’t bring myself to work on it because of anxiety, but I feel guilty working on anything else, so I don’t do anything. I just sit and spin my wheels with “idle” activities like mindless games.

Twyla: That definitely sounds familiar. So how do we get you past that hurdle?

Mom (hesitant): I mean… I have strategies. I can take the task I’m struggling with and break off a small chunk of it; something smaller to focus on. I call that “subdivision.” Sometimes that’s enough to get me started, and if it isn’t, at least I’ve gotten a little bit done.

Aura: Subdivision doesn’t always work though.

Mom (ashamed): No, it doesn’t. I don’t think I can accurately describe the weight of anxiety that some tasks impose on me… Like work tasks when I feel like I’ve fallen behind. I just feel like a failure for not doing what I was supposed to do…

Twyla (sheepish): …and there’s a feeling of dread for having let things get this bad, while at the same time feeling like I can’t start because there’s a reason I got stuck in the first place. Some barrier that caused an anxiety spiral last time I tried to work on it.

Aura (somber): Of course, that anxiety spiral is the first thing I have to face when I go back to the task. So I just deflect continuously and never start. Naturally, I can’t ask for help either, because that would mean admitting my failure to someone else; usually the people I’m trying to hide it from.

Mom: So I swim in that limbo until I’m able to give up or until things get so urgent that the urgency pushes me past the anxiety spiral I’m dreading.

Twyla: Like it did when you were trying to save your job.

Mom (tearful): I guess so. We’ve… We’ve been doing this dance a long time, haven’t we?

Twyla (hurt): All of us know the steps by heart.

Aura: I still love you, Mom.

(I pause for a moment, caught off guard by the sudden shift in tone.)

Mom: Where did that come from?

Aura: It felt important to point out. This is something that’s really hard for us, you know? This behavior has been hanging over our heads for literal decades. But it feels like a part of the reason why it’s hard is because we think failing means we’ll lose someone or something that’s dear to us.

Mom (surprised): That’s… Surprisingly insightful, Aura.

Aura (happy): I guess you’re rubbing off on me. In any case, you’re not going to lose me. I love you, and you’re not going to lose me no matter what.

Mom (crying): I… Thank you, daughter. Thank you dearly.

(Aura steps up to me and wraps me in her arms as I sob into her shoulder. After a few moments Twyla approaches and joins in our family hug as I gratefully accept their love.)

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https://familyofme.com/?p=693

Scene 139: Trans on Trains
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(The Star family sits together on an elevated train, chatting amongst themselves as it clacks along the tracks. It comes to the stop at a station and the doors slide open, letting a variety of other people onto the train. Not long afterwards, a familiar voice announces “Doors Closing” moments before they slide shut and the train continues on its way.)

Bloom (The Survivor): So where are we headed?

Mom (Me): Nowhere in particular. But it’s the summer, so it’s nice to get outside.

Kay (The Friend): Wait, is this the summer scene? Since when is our idea of “getting outside” taking a train to nowhere?

Lark (The Dreamer): Oh, come now Kay. You know it’s not really about the train, right? No shade, but we’re not that kind of trans girl.

Kay: So what is it about then?

Lark (smirking): You haven’t been paying attention, have you? Take a look around.

(Kay looks around the train car with an appraising eye—everyone in this particular car with us are women and girls in various summer dress. Cute tops and shorts, sundresses, swimwear with sun layers; an assortment of casually dressed femmes of all stripes are riding along with us. As the train pulls into its next stop, some leave while others take their place before the train continues on.)

Kay (mumbling): There’s a lot of cute girls on this train…

Bloom (teasing): Oooh, cat got your tongue? Who could possibly think straight with all these cuties around?

Kay (embarrassed): Oh shut up! It’s not like you’re any different!

Bloom (sheepish): I… Well yeah…

Aura (The Professional): So our summer celebration is ogling other girls on a train.

Mom: Not ogling! There’s no need to be creepy about it. Besides, not even you can honestly say that you’re not enjoying this.

Aura: I won’t deny it, but I noticed other girls from a distance in secret. I never reveled in it.

Mom (playful): How secretive do you think we were, really? Besides, reveling in it is why we’re here! Summer is our favorite season, and a big reason why is seeing other women in summer clothing. Light, airy outfits are my favorite, and I won’t deny that seeing exposed shoulders or a bare midriff is exciting. I love this.

Aura (annoyed): You’re assuming other women want to be perceived. That seems presumptuous… Disrespectful, even.

Mom (pensive): I feel like we used to think that way because we were fighting a particular societal message. Dressing in a particular way isn’t an invitation for someone to touch them, or a promise to spend time with them…

Kay: Cosplay is not consent.

Mom: Just so, but we took that all the way to looking at other women at all. Looking back on that, I think that was one step too far. Fashion exists to be perceived, and sometimes—often, even—people want to be seen. If a woman doesn’t want us to see them in a particular outfit, she probably wouldn’t have worn it out of the house… Or would have worn something over it.

Aura: That all rings true, I’ll grant you that. But we’re presenting feminine now, so all of it applies to us too. If you saw yourself boarding the train, you’d take a good look at yourself.

Ivy (The Partner): Sure, but that’s half the draw! It’s not just that we like seeing pretty girls, though of course we do. It’s that we are a pretty girl. We see them, and they see us. We’re not just passive observers—we’re in community with the women around us, and maybe we’ll even get the occasional greeting or smile and we’ll get to smile back.

Mom: Which absolutely happens, by the way. I love passing a cute girl on the street and smiling back at her after she smiles at me. It feels wonderful.

Kay (wistfully): Yeah it does…

Aura (dismissive): I can’t help but notice we keep talking about women here. Going out means being perceived by men too.

Mom: True, and we’re not particularly attracted to or interested in men. But that’s fine as long as they’re only looking rather than staring, or if they check in before engaging. It’s only when they take my presence in a space as an invitation to interact that it becomes a problem.

Bloom: What about non-binary people?

Mom: When we’re casually seeing a stranger, it honestly comes down to vibes. That’s true for men and women too… As well as agender, xenogender, or any other person.

Kay: Or system.

Mom: Or system. No need to be exclusive. Does that address your concerns, Aura?

Aura (smiling): Yeah, I think so. I think I can enjoy this summer excursion.

Mom: Great. What about you, Twyla? You’ve been pretty quiet .

(The rest of the Star family turns to look at Twyla, who’s been distant since the conversation began. She stares out the window of the train for a few moments longer before turning to address me.)

Twyla (The Parent): Why are we here? Why are we on a train celebrating?

Mom: Well, it’s the summer, and I try to host one of these celebratory scenes each season…

Twyla (annoyed): Why celebrate at all? What even is there to celebrate? We’ve been getting into heavier topics in this series, we’re having to work harder to process things, and you’ve said more than once that it’s getting harder and harder to write.

Mom: The difficulty is part of why it’s so important to continue. It’s hard because it’s meaningful.

Twyla: So why not make that difficulty the sole focus? Why not devote ourselves to digging deep into those challenging issues? Why indulge these meandering celebratory scenes at all? I haven’t even mentioned how it’s a terrifying time to be a trans person right now… The world outside our head isn’t exactly making this easier on us.

Mom (firm): It isn’t, no. But that’s also a reason to celebrate. A dear friend once told us “the best revenge is living well” and I believe that whole-heartedly. The reason we fight through the tough times, the reason we struggle, is in order to live our lives fully. Celebrating the things that make us happy, or the moments we enjoy—they’re an important part of this process too.

Twyla (defiant): So we’re just making light of our challenges then? They need dedicated attention.

Mom: This is dedicated attention. It might not feel like it because I’m not throwing all of our focus into directly “solving” our stress, but that’s because we’ve tried that and it doesn’t work.

Bloom (quiet): When I tried to remember what I was like before I went to high school, I couldn’t. It brought me to tears… It brought all of us to tears.

Lark: Throwing ourselves at trying to remember harder isn’t effective.

Mom: This is the indirect method that we’re trying here. Instead of trying to drill in and “fix” myself like there’s a part of me somewhere that needs to be repaired or replaced, we’re building a supportive atmosphere where the parts of me that present challenges are supported by the rest of me. Before I started down this road, all Bloom and Kay could feel were their masks. Now they’re individuals of their own with a full range of feelings. By allowing them to be more than just their stress, they have enough support within and without themselves to thrive.

Aura: I could have sworn you’ve explained this before.

Mom: I probably have… Some repetition is inevitable when a series gets long enough. But that’s also part of the process. Challenging topics require more than one approach, and sometimes that means facing the same things over and over in slightly different ways until you reveal something that lets you dig a little deeper than you could last time.

Kay: If at first you don’t succeed…

Mom: Exactly. So that’s why we’re on a train enjoying our summer, Twyla. I hope you’re able to find some enjoyment in this too.

Twyla (hesitant): I am… I am. I’m still on board for all this, I’m just… I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated that I can’t see exactly what I need to do and fix my issue directly.

Mom: I understand that. That used to frustrate me too—it still does, sometimes. But sometimes the direct approach doesn’t work, whereas this indirect approach absolutely does. Besides, most of this series is serious topics, so you’ll still get plenty of that. But we’re going to keep celebrating the seasons too, okay?

Twyla: Okay. I’ll celebrate too.

Kay (alert): Wait, is she…

(I look up to see a girl across the car making eyes at Kay just in time to see her blush shyly and look away when she catches Kay looking back. Kay also flushes bright red and looks down at her lap, just missing the other girl stealing another look from across the car. I smile to myself and relax for the rest of the ride.)

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https://familyofme.com/?p=683

Scene 138: Mirroring Stubbornness
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Mom (Me): Good morning Twyla.

Twyla (The Parent): Hello Daphne… Come to check on me?

Mom: Yeah, I thought I’d stop by to see how you’re doing. How’s your search for a unique identity going?

Twyla (disappointed): It’s going. I keep trying to feel for who I am, but I keep getting hung up on my relationship with my child. I suppose that’s to be expected as The Parent and all.

Mom (hopeful): Is there something specific that’s tripping you up? Maybe we can work through it together.

Twyla (darkly): It’s just that my experience and theirs feel so similar sometimes. I see them dig in their heels over something or another, wanting to get their way, and I feel myself digging my heels in because I feel like they ignored me…

Mom (gentle): They’re a kid though, it’s basically their job to push boundaries. They aren’t being malicious, they’re just learning.

Twyla: I know that intellectually, but it’s really difficult to remember it in the moment. I know the way I’m acting isn’t helpful, but I can’t figure out a way to resolve our impasse. It’s really frustrating, and…

(Twyla trails off without finishing her sentence. I prompt her to continue.)

Mom: And?

Twyla: It feels the same, you know? It feels like their struggle is the same as mine.

Mom (frowning): Could you elaborate on that a little?

Twyla (struggling): It’s just… It feels like we both know that digging our heels in and not budging an inch is counterproductive. But we both feel compelled to do it anyway, like we’re fighting the same urge in our minds.

Mom (hesitant): That… Sounds like demand avoidance.

Twyla: What’s demand avoidance?

Mom: This is oversimplifying a bit, but it’s a condition where a person can’t do what someone asks or tells them to do… They’re avoiding the other person’s demand. Being asked or told makes them feel like they’re being forced to do something, which feels like a loss of agency or identity. So they struggle to find a way to avoid the demand that was just placed on them, even if it’s something that would benefit them or something they’d ordinarily want to do.

Twyla: That sounds challenging.

Mom: It can be, but keep in mind that there’s often more nuance in how demand avoidance presents. It can manifest as a person refusing to do something until they understand why it’s happening, for example. Sometimes our child refuses to clean their room… We can tell them to clean their room, we can ask them politely to clean their room, but they’ll pout and drag their feet all day.

Twyla (exasperated): Tell me about it… Getting them to do it feels like pulling teeth.

Mom: It does, though helping them clean it can hasten the process.

Twyla (annoyed): But it’s their mess! It should be their responsibility; I shouldn’t have to help!

Mom (calm): Try not to get too hung up on this example… I’m just trying to present an alternative. Have you noticed that when we can convince them it’s a good idea to clean their room—because they need to make space to play with something they’re interested in, say—they do it happily and efficiently?

Twyla: I have noticed that. So once they’ve bought in, they’ll do it… It’s like the idea has to come from their own head.

Mom: That’s a good approximation, I think. The idea has to feel comfortable in their head, at least.

Twyla (distant): Gosh that feels familiar.

Mom: I’m not surprised; did you notice you dropped a couple of “should”s back there?

Twyla (surprised): Wait, I did?

Mom: You said cleaning your child’s room should be their responsibility.

Twyla (indignant): I did, didn’t I… But shouldn’t it? They made the mess!

Mom: Granted, but what do you gain by withholding support?

Twyla: That teaches our child consequences! They’re responsible for their actions!

Mom: Setting aside whether or not they can receive that lesson at the age of 3 or 4, does it actually teach them consequences or does it show them that you’re not willing to help them when they feel overwhelmed?

(Twyla stands stunned, not knowing how to respond. I let the silence hang in the air for a few moments before continuing on.)

Mom (gently): I’m not trying to rub your nose in the way you approached this situation. You did the best you could at the time. In a way, I suppose it shows that you’re right… It does feel like there might be some similarity between our child’s thinking and our own..

Twyla: It does, and I know it’s not a “but everyone thinks like that” thing because our partner doesn’t seem to be wired that way. Sometimes she says things to our kid that makes us think “oh wow, I wouldn’t have said that; that’s going to make them angry” and sure enough, my child loses their temper at what our partner said. It’s like we’re on the same brain wavelength, but our partner isn’t.

Mom: It kind of feels like we have a rulebook in our head for how to interact with our kid and our partner hasn’t read it.

Twyla (excited): Exactly! That’s exactly it. So I want to help them with this, you know? They seem to struggle in the same ways that I do, so if I figure out how to manage myself in those situations I can teach my child how to do it too. Since my partner doesn’t seem to be on this wavelength with us, it’s something I’m going to have to do on my own.

Mom (reserved): I remember thinking that… I remember thinking that way for a long time.

Twyla: But you don’t anymore. Our child isn’t like us after all?

Mom: It’s not that… We can’t know what’s inside our child’s head.

Twyla: I know we can’t know exactly, but…

Mom (interrupting): But we know what’s inside our head.

(Twyla doesn’t respond right away, so I give Twyla a pointed look.)

Mom: I think you know where I’m going with this.

Twyla: (uneasy): You think… We’re the problem?

Mom (firm): We’re not a problem. But we do struggle with things. We have for a long time.

Twyla: I mean… We know we don’t really think the way everyone else does. Even Kay suspected as much. Everyone’s unique.

Mom: Everyone’s unique, but some people seem to be more unique than others.

Twyla: What does that mean?

Mom: It means we should dig a little deeper. You may not know this, but now that we hang out in trans spaces, we encounter a lot of neurodiverse people, and our child isn’t the only one who seems to think in a familiar way.

Twyla (defiant): It makes sense that you’d think similarly to other trans women. It doesn’t mean that we’re neurodiverse, or that we’re impaired in any way. It just makes us different.

Mom: All I’m saying is that we should follow this line of inquiry and see where it leads us. We’ll do it together, okay? Maybe we can even get some of your younger sisters involved. Kay had an inkling of this way back when, after all.

Twyla (hesitant): Okay… We can try. I’m willing to try.

Mom: That’s all I ask.

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https://familyofme.com/?p=681

Scene 137: Self Definition
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Twyla (The Parent): Hey Daphne?

Mom (Me): Good morning Twyla. What’s on your mind?

Twyla (cautious): This is a little embarrassing, but… I’m still having trouble figuring out what I should do with myself around here. I thought I’d talk to you about it.

Mom: Just to be clear, you mean aside from revisiting memories, right?

Twyla: Right, outside of that work.

Mom: It’s really up to you… What do you want to do with that time?

Twyla: I’m not really sure? I tried playing video games, but it’s hard for me to really get into them. I tried reading books, but I feel like I’m wasting my time… I even tried going for a hike, but just felt kind of empty. No matter what I do, none of it feels like it fits me.

Mom (curious): That’s interesting… We’ve always been an interest driven person, so I’m surprised none of our usual hobbies feel good to you. What exactly feels off about them?

Twyla: I don’t honestly know? It’s ironic, because during my time I would have loved to have an hour or two to myself that I could use any way I wanted. Now that I have that time, I’m not satisfied with anything.

Mom: Maybe it’s because you didn’t have that opportunity during your time. If I remember correctly, our attention was constantly divided, so we didn’t really have much chance to focus on ourselves…

Twyla: …And when I did get that chance, I always wasted it with idle pursuits instead of doing the things I wanted to do or figuring anything out for myself. I would just kind of… Lose sight of things.

Mom (frowning): I think you deserve a little more grace than that, Twyla. You were struggling through a stressful time in our life and trying to understand what it meant. You need time to process feelings like that, and if you don’t explicitly make time, your brain will do it for you.

Twyla (disappointed): I still wish I had better control over the process. Regardless, I feel like that struggle defined my period of our life… I was trying to hold onto the person I was. I remembered the stereotype of people who had kids and then put all of their self-worth into parenthood, and I struggled against being the kind of person who was a parent and nothing else.

Mom (subdued): Oh right… I’d nearly forgotten about that.

Twyla: It was at the front of my mind for years. I should point out that I don’t regret having children; I wanted a family, after all. I had a feeling that I’d make a good parent and I hope that’s still the case.

Mom: It’s a struggle sometimes, but on balance I think I’m doing a good job.

Twyla (satisfied): That’s good. I thought I did okay too, struggles aside. There’s plenty I hadn’t figured out though, like balancing parenthood with any of my other pursuits… And now I’m literally The Parent, like I’m stuck with that role forever.

Mom: Okay, let’s tackle that first. You’ll always be The Parent, and you’ll always be well suited to helping me be a good parent to others, but even now that’s not everything you are. The gift of this headspace is it gives you space to grow into more than just your role.

Twyla (unhappy): I still don’t know what to focus on though; nothing feels right.

Mom: Here’s the thing about that: You know it’s possible because I’ve done it. Granted, our child is older than they were in your time, and they’re a bit more independent. But I drove a lot of that change myself.

Twyla: What did you do?

Mom: I transitioned.

Twyla (annoyed): I should have seen that answer coming.

Mom (amused): Maybe. It was a substantial shift, and it came with a deep desire to figure out who I really am when I don’t have to maintain the facade of masculinity.

Twyla: And you suddenly had an abundance of emotional energy to spare…

Mom: I did, but that’s far from the whole story here. I didn’t wake up one morning wondering how I’m going to use all my newfound emotional energy to reshape my life… Transition kind of forced the issue.

Twyla: What do you mean?

Mom: You know about second puberty, right? It wasn’t just our body that changed; there’s a whole range of mental changes that go with it too, and they’re pretty similar to how our first puberty went.

Twyla (hesitant): So the way that teenagers can become really absorbed and obsessed with self-expression…

Mom (direct): Yup, I absolutely went through that again. To be honest, I might still be going through it? I’ve only been on hormones for a couple of years, and first puberty typically lasts several. Hormones are a real roller coaster.

Twyla (uneasy): You know, we used to get pretty upset when we heard someone blame a woman’s behavior on her hormones…

Mom: That’s still a dick move, but also, hormones absolutely can change our mood. And they do! You know our menstrual cycle gives us a brush with depression every month?

Twyla (confused): Menstrual cycle? But we don’t have a uterus. We can’t menstruate…

Mom (snickering): Try telling our body that. Those mood swings and cramps are real, and they’re a real pain in the butt!

(Twyla stands stunned for a moment.)

Mom: Well, pain in the side.

Twyla: I feel like we’ve gotten off topic.

Mom (embarrassed): Ah, I guess I got a bit carried away, but I think there’s some value in that approach. Try leaning into your femininity a bit and see where it takes you—ultimately that’s what led me to become the woman I am today.

Twyla: Worth a shot, I guess.

Mom: Besides, we can continue reflecting on your identity here too. Really understanding that question feels important, and I think it’s worth considering more than once.

Twyla: I guess? I thought I was here to help you.

Mom: We’re here to be a family. Family members help each other out, but it’s important for all of us to be our own people here too.

Twyla (skeptical): Except we’re all you.

Mom: True… But you’re also yourselves. There are differences between us that aren’t just a question of memories; we had somewhat different goals and different approaches to life, and I think honoring those differences is key to us becoming a healthy family.

Twyla (cautious): Hm, okay. I’ll try leaning into my femininity, like you suggested. But don’t expect me to suddenly be okay with calling you Mom.

Mom: Not to worry; that’s the last thing I’m expecting right now.

Twyla: Good.

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https://familyofme.com/?p=679

Scene 135: Identity And Entitlement
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(Twyla sits alone in our home’s garden, aimlessly staring out at the various flowers. I approach from elsewhere and join her, though she doesn’t appear to notice me arrive.)

Mom (Me): Good morning Twyla.

Twyla (The Parent): Hm? Oh, good morning Daphne.

Mom (concerned): Are you alright? You seem a little… Absent today.

Twyla: Yeah, I guess I am. I’m just… I’m not sure what to do with myself.

Mom: Whatever you want, of course.

Twyla (frustrated): Okay but that’s just it. That wasn’t an option during my time, you know? I was our child’s parent all the time. The only time I got away from them was at work or at night… At work I was busy working, and at night I was exhausted. It was all I could do to rest up enough for the next day.

Mom: I remember… We kept going like that for a long time.

Twyla: It’s ironic in retrospect. I spent so much effort trying to make time for myself, to detach from the people around me long enough to be my own person. Now I have nothing but time, and I don’t know what to do.

Mom: Why don’t we talk about that for a bit? I remember those days and I can say with certainty things are different now. Finding time for myself can still be a struggle, but I’ve clearly seen some success… I’ve been writing this series on and off for a year and a half, after all.

Twyla (impressed): This series seems so surreal to me. I took the time to read through it… Early on you were talking with Lark about how amazed you needed two digits to number all the scenes. It’s kind of remarkable how far it’s come.

Mom (smiling): Hah, those were the days. I could write freely without a care in the world, and every new scene felt like a miracle. Now they number in the triple digits and writing them feels almost routine.

Twyla: That’s remarkable too. I remember wanting so badly to be able to engage with a project that I could stick with for more than a couple of weeks.

Mom: Aura’s desire from back in our 20s really stuck with us, huh?

Twyla (sad): I guess it did… But I certainly never achieved it. Like I said, I tried my hardest to make time for myself, and any time I did have was marred by exhaustion. I could never do anything but play video games back then, and I’d get annoyed that I was never able to get any of my projects off the ground.

Mom: Yeah, I’m not proud of those days, in retrospect. I’m pretty happy to leave them behind, honestly.

Twyla: Sure, you’ve actually succeeded in making space for yourself now.

Mom: It’s not that. Back in your day I would get so angry and I’d end up taking that anger out on my family. You remember, don’t you? We’d get upset with our partner so often.

Twyla (defensive): Is it wrong to expect some kind of support from your partner?!

Mom (firm): Our partner was supportive, whereas we weren’t very supportive. I mean sure, we could go through the motions for tasks we were familiar with or when our partner gave us precise instructions. To be honest, that kind of parenting worked pretty well for a while. Taking care of a baby is pretty straightforward; while it is a 24/7 job, babies can’t do very much and their needs are relatively simple. It isn’t until our child got older and more complicated that the cracks in our approach really started to show.

Twyla (upset): I was doing my best! Our child’s needs were getting too complicated for me to accurately anticipate… And if I’m honest, my partner’s needs have always been too complicated for me to anticipate. I couldn’t keep up and I always felt inadequate.

Mom: That’s exactly the problem. You don’t have to anticipate your partner’s needs or your child’s. You aren’t a failure just because you aren’t exactly what they need all of the time.

Twyla (defiant): Our child can’t communicate their needs, so we have to figure it out. There’s no other way.

Mom: When they’re really young, maybe. But it only takes a couple of years before they’re old enough to communicate concepts to you. With regards to our partner, she’s always been able to tell us what she needs, and she isn’t shy about doing it… At least when we weren’t making her feel horrible for trying.

Twyla (grumbling): Her expectations aren’t always realistic.

Mom: I don’t think that’s fair. Again, you aren’t expected to solve all of her problems.

Twyla: Really? Why would she tell me about a problem if she isn’t expecting us to find a solution?

Mom: Because she needs to vent, or she wants to connect with us emotionally. I feel like I’ve talked through this with Ivy already.

Twyla (stubborn): I still think it’s too much to deal with! We’re spending all of our time trying to keep up with all of the issues that we can’t find a way to solve, always falling further and further behind despite doing our genuine best, and we’re always being asked to do more!

Mom: We’re being asked to do things differently for sure, but don’t you want to be a more equitable partner? I know you do because I remember having that goal.

Twyla: Is that even achievable!? I hold so much guilt over being an inadequate parent, I could never imagine myself as a mother…

Mom (annoyed): This again, hm? I’ll reiterate that transition unlocked a well of emotional capacity that allowed me to tackle more than I ever could before, but it’s vital to understand that my framework for thinking about these issues changed too.

Twyla (anger): Changed how!?

Mom (cold): When the world became too complex and you felt like a failure for not living up, you got angry at your family for not making the world simpler for you.

(Twyla stares at me in shock, as if I’d just slapped her.)

Twyla: That’s…

Mom: That wasn’t exactly fair to your family, was it? They’re struggling with the same complicated world that you are; you aren’t entitled to an existence where you only engage with systems that you’re comfortable interacting with.

Twyla (stunned): How did… How did I not understand that before?

Mom: Honestly? Male entitlement. Obviously you were never a guy, but you presented as one, and in your attempt to make sense of that you still absorbed a lot of harmful messages about how you were entitled to act. Unfortunately, that included the idea that the world should be tailored to your experience, and if that isn’t the case, it’s someone else’s fault.

Twyla: You used a “should” in there.

Mom: Yes I did. And once I transitioned and didn’t feel like I was upholding some “man’s burden” I was able to see that expectation for the harmful idea it is.

(Twyla lets my statement hang in the air for a moment before continuing.)

Twyla: Is that… Is that how you found the time to be yourself again?

Mom: Letting go of harmful expectations was a big part of it, yeah.

Twyla: And those just melted away naturally with transition?

Mom: Well… No. It’s a little more complicated than that.

Twyla (pensive): Hm. I want to understand this better, but… I think I need to sit with some of the things we talked about first.

Mom: Let’s pick this up another time then. Talk to you later?

Twyla: Yes please. Later Daphne.

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https://familyofme.com/?p=674

Scene 134: Parental Expectations
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Mom (Me): Good morning Twyla.

Twyla (The Parent): Hey Daphne.

Mom: Do you think you’re ready to try talking through things again?

Twyla (careful): I think I’m ready to give it another shot, but I’d rather not spiral down into anger again if I can help it.

Mom: Let’s have some boundaries for our conversation then. We’ll restrict our focus to one specific topic, and if we stray too far from that, we’ll pause for the time being.

Twyla: Okay, I’m willing to try that. What topic did you have in mind?

Mom: When we delved into your feelings last time you mentioned your guilt over not living up to your obligation as a parent.

Twyla (reserved): I did, yeah. Sometimes I get really anxious over things that our kid does and I feel like I should be able to manage my feelings better.

Mom: That’s exactly what I’m talking about, so let’s dig into that feeling a little more. To start, a key thing I’ve learned since your time is to be wary of “shoulds.”

Twyla: What does that mean?

Mom: It means when you use the word “should,” that’s an indication that you could be putting unhealthy expectations on yourself.

Twyla (skeptical): Sometimes you need to put expectations on yourself. Sometimes it’s important to live up to expectations.

Mom: Sometimes, sure. But expectations aren’t always coupled with motivation. So instead of being driven to do the right thing or finding extra energy to succeed, “shoulds” often manifest as guilt. “I should manage my feelings better” becomes “why aren’t I managing my feelings better” which feels like failure and then despair. Instead of actually helping you reach your goals, it just helps you beat up on yourself.

Twyla: So I shouldn’t use the word “should.”

Mom: See, you did it again. “Shouldn’t” counts as a “should” too.

Twyla (irritated): Well what else am I supposed to do!?

Mom (calm): That’s a good question. First, when you catch yourself saying “should,” you can rephrase that sentence to use other words.

Twyla: So in this case, I can say “I’ll try to avoid using the word ‘should’ from now on.”

Mom: Yup, that’s progress. Step two is the challenging bit though; that’s to forgive yourself for using it.

Twyla (confused): Forgive myself?

Mom: Forgive yourself. Say “whoops, I said ‘should’ there, but that’s okay because I’m still learning. I’ll do better next time” and then let it go—no need to beat yourself up over it.

Twyla: I guess I can try to think through that…

Mom: Don’t just think it, say it! Going through the motions helps you train yourself.

Twyla (skeptical): Fine… It’s okay that I said I shouldn’t use the word “should.” It’s okay that I said I should manage my feelings better. I’ll do better next time.

Mom (encouraging): Great! Do you feel better?

Twyla: Not really.

Mom: I still think it’s progress. Speaking as a future you, I can assure you it works.

Twyla: Fine, I’ll keep it up. That said, even though I forgave myself for using the word “should,” I’m not sure how to reword “I should manage my feelings better.”

Mom (probing): Why do you feel that way?

Twyla: Because I’m our child’s parent, and it’s something that parents should be able to do.

Mom: You mean answering our child’s questions?

Twyla: Sometimes it’s answering our child’s questions, but I get that feeling about a lot of things. I get anxious because I feel like I’m not doing something I should be able to do as a parent, or not doing something as well as my child needs. And yes, I used “should” twice there because it accurately describes how I feel.

Mom: And it’s a red flag both times; an indicator that we need to examine that feeling more deeply. Where are those parental expectations coming from?

Twyla (frustrated): I don’t know, society? Parents are supposed to be available to their children all the time. They have to be; kids don’t have anyone else.

Mom: That’s not entirely true though. Even in families where there’s only one parent, that parent has to take breaks to recharge sometimes. It’s simply not realistic to expect anyone to stay “on” the entire day every day.

Twyla (agitated): This is why I got upset last time! I can’t tell my child that and expect them to understand!

Mom (calm): No, you can’t… But you have to do it anyway in order to get a break. And that’s okay sometimes; self-soothing is an important skill for kids to develop.

Twyla: Even setting aside the disappointment that our child will feel at not having my attention for a bit, I still feel like taking breaks like that is a slippery slope. I have that feeling nearly every day—multiple times a day, even. Am I just supposed to be “off” for a couple of hours every day?

Mom: You don’t have to make that decision by yourself, you know. It’d be best to talk that over with your partner and set that expectation together.

Twyla (insistent): You say that like it’s trivial to talk it over with her and not a whole other source of stress!

Mom: What stress might that be?

Twyla: Any parenting work that I don’t do is parenting work that she has to do, and she’s already doing the lion’s share of the parenting work. So how can I ask her for breaks? “Hey, you know how you’re already doing all this work for us? Do you think you could do a little bit of my work too so I can have a breather?”

Mom (gentle): It feels like you’re claiming some sort of ownership over the parenting work you end up doing, as if it was assigned to you and someone’s going to give you a failing grade if you don’t complete it.

Twyla: Isn’t that the case? Isn’t my partner going to tell me I failed if I can’t parent our child properly?

Mom (appalled): What? No! Why would she do that?

Twyla (determined): Maybe she doesn’t say those words, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel it! I feel her disappointment! Her frustration at having to correct me over and over again!

Mom: She constantly tells us that she wants a partner that she can talk to, someone who she can work things out with! I don’t think that disappointment is coming from her.

Twyla (angry): Who else could it be? There isn’t anyone else there, Daphne!

(I let Twyla’s words hang in the air for a moment as I take a breath to calm down.)

Mom: I feel like we’re straying from the point here. Maybe this is a good place to pause.

Twyla (exasperated): Yeah, I guess so. I suppose we accomplished something—we’ve identified that my expectations as a parent are destructive, even if I don’t understand how to reframe them.

Mom: That’s something. That’s progress.

Twyla: Hard fought progress, I’d say.

Mom: I agree with you there. Maybe next time we’ll talk about something else instead of trying to approach this from yet another angle… It may be best to let this lie for a bit.

Twyla (relieved): Agreed. Thanks for your time, anyways.

Mom: Always, Twyla. Thanks for your effort.

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https://familyofme.com/?p=672