Mom-And-Pop Loan Sharks Being Driven Out By Big Credit-Card Companies

PHILADELPHIA–Frankie "The Gorilla" Pistone leans wistfully on his bat. Then, without warning, he picks it up, swinging it furiously toward his deadbeat client’s leg. Just before the Louisville Slugger makes contact with the man’s kneecap, he pulls back, as only a real pro can, leaving the $250-in-the-hole man gasping in fear and relief. "Just get it to me by tomorrow, because next time, I ain’t gonna let up," Pistone says.

Economists Warn That Even Their Friend’s Son Who Went To Business School Can’t Find A Job

NEW YORK—Raising the alarm about an increasingly unstable labor market, economists at Columbia University warned in a report published Wednesday that even their friend’s son who went to business school hadn’t been able to find a job. “Americans’ employment prospects must be truly dire if Natalie’s son Trevor is still stuck working at Best Buy,” […]

Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. “The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called ‘allies’ […]

Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations

WASHINGTON—In a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices. “These terrible places must stop overcharging Americans every time they put fuel in their […]

Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores

DALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they’re boarding how they’re going to help keep the plane […]

Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI

PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. “I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I’m going to need to […]

Poll: Nearly 1 In 10 Adults Have Postponed Retirement Due To Healthcare Costs

A survey from West Health-Gallup found that nearly one in 10 adults say they’ve postponed retirement because of healthcare costs, with many respondents also reporting delaying job changes, home buying, or having a child. What do you think?

Democrats Wear White Flag Pins To SOTU To Indicate Surrender

Oscars organisers desperately trying to work out how to politely refuse entry to Tourette’s sufferers

Oscar ceremony bosses are desperately trying to work out the best way to politely refuse entry to anyone suffering from Tourette’s Syndrome.

Trump supporters to continue with comforting misapprehension that other countries have been paying the tariffs in same way Mexico ‘paid for the wall’

Donald Trump’s Supreme Court rebuke over his tariffs has been loudly criticised by those supporters who still don’t know how tariffs work.