Trump Launches $88 Billion Fund For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Rejected By Woman
WASHINGTON—Declaring the money long overdue compensation for some of the nation’s most persecuted individuals, President Donald Trump announced an $88 billion fund Tuesday specifically appropriated to any man ever rejected by a woman. “At long last, there will be justice for every man in America who was very unfairly told no,” said the president, noting […]
> What To Know About Pope Leo’s Encyclical On AI https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-pope-leos-encyclical-on-ai/
FTA: "Q: What is his most controversial point?
A: That human life is beautiful and worth saving."
#BarelySatire #PapaLeon #Vatican #Catholic #religion #encyclical
What To Know About Pope Leo’s Encyclical On AI
Pope Leo XIV published his first encyclical Monday, warning about the dangers of artificial intelligence. Here’s what you need to know about the document. Q: What is an encyclical? A: It’s like a company-wide email, except this one is skeptical of AI. Q: What is the encyclical titled? A: Magnifica_Humanitas_final.docx Q: Were any AI companies or […]
Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended
EDMOND, OK—Saying she was now forced to totally reassess a person she had once held in the highest esteem, local woman Sara Vogler confirmed Monday that her respect for longtime friend Darci Strouse had plummeted after reading a book Strouse enthusiastically recommended. “She said she’s read this fucking book a dozen times and that it had a huge influence on who she is […]
> Alaska Airlines Prepares Pivot to Dog Sledding Just in Case Whole Airline Industry Thing Doesn’t Work Out https://theneedling.com/2026/04/24/alaska-airlines-prepares-pivot-to-dog-sledding-if-whole-airline-industry-thing-doesnt-work-out/
FTA: "At press time, Southwest was reportedly also looking into a pivot to a rebooted Pony Express."
#BarelySatire #FlyingCattleCars #BadEconomy #BigOil #travel
Alaska Airlines Prepares Pivot to Dog Sledding Just in Case Whole Airline Industry Thing Doesn’t Work Out
After reckoning with the unsustainability of keeping an airline financially afloat if jet fuel prices keep skyrocketing with no end in sight, today sources confirmed Alaska Airlines is preparing to…
> Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed https://theonion.com/regretful-conservative-wakes-up-to-find-he-drunkenly-got-nazi-tattoo-removed/
FTA: "At press time, a horrified Hanlon is said to have discovered that, sometime the previous night, he had gotten the “Coexist” symbol tattooed on his lower back."
#BarelySatire #RWNJs #tattoos
Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed
COEUR D’ALENE, ID—Wincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to find that he had drunkenly gotten a neo-Nazi tattoo removed. “Shit, shit, shit—there’s no way I can go outside looking like this,” said a hungover Hanlon, groaning as he stumbled into his closet […]
Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum
WASHINGTON—Threatening to continue issuing threats if the Islamic Republic did not quickly agree to his demands, President Donald Trump warned Iran on Monday to accept his ultimatum or face the wrath of his next ultimatum. “Lay down your weapons now or I will have no choice but to ask you to lay down your weapons […]
Insecure, Frustrated Bully With Something To Prove Considering Career In Law Enforcement
RALEIGH, NC—Calling it his lifelong dream, local man Brendan Lockhart, an insecure and perpetually frustrated bully who believes he has something to prove to the world, told reporters Thursday that he is seriously considering a career in law enforcement.
A. Rivera
Dud and Forgotten.