haven't been too well recently. i made some sketches last night and just now kinda stream of consciousness amateur graphic design'd it and embraced the serendipity. (I have a degree in this! lol) this feels a little nice to have made. you happen to like this, then that is a strange plus

Sorting through my late mother's clothes today, I was struck by how many items gave me simultaneous #genderEuphoria and #genderDysphoria when I tried them on. My mother was a very gender-nonconforming person. Her style blended butch and femme elements. She worked outside and liked to wear men's jeans and flannel work shirts that hid her figure. Trying them on, I would see myself in the mirror and think, "I look so much like my mother!" But then I would realize that to anyone who didn't know my mother, I would probably just look like a man. I love looking at myself and seeing my mother, but is it worth not being seen as myself by others? I don't know.

#transJoy #transGrief

It was three years ago today that I came out to my partner. What a wild ride it's been. I've learned a great deal about myself, certainly much more than I expected there was to learn. I've healed a lot, again, much more than I suspected there was to heal. And it feels like I've just gotten started.

Three years ago a day like today seemed so far away. I was very aware of the risks and potential consequences of coming out when I did it, but I did it because I couldn't do anything else and still be me, still have hope and life.

In those three years I've certainly had some personal cost. But I've been lucky and not had nearly as much as many people. Even if the cost was 10x it's absolutely been worth it to feel alive for the first time. What I've gained has been far far better than what was lost. Friends, community, life, and such a deep connection with my partner that I never thought possible. They've supported me when it was difficult and hurt them, we've both grown so much. I love them more than ever  

I've got such a terrible mix of feelings today. As my government is quite literally attacking trans people, women, people of color, anything that doesn't celebrate and promote old cishet white guys. I am afraid. Not really for myself, but for my siblings who aren't out. Aren't safe. Have suffered more. Are already struggling to find work. And especially for trans kids and their parents. It's been attack after attack on trans kids and it breaks my heart, because I know first hand the joy and new life that can come from HRT.

I'm not sure what to hope for the future, but I didn't know what to hope for three years ago either. So instead I'll just keep having hope, and do whatever needs to be done.

Fuck 'em up fam. We've always been here and always will be.

#trans #selfie #TransJoy #TransGrief #WeWillAlwaysExist
(CW eye contact)